Earlene's Modern Life

It's a blanket, with SLEEVES

2009-03-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

Here is what I want:

A Snuggie.

Here is what it is:

A blanket with sleeves.

Here is why I believe I deserve it:

The convent is really really cold, because the nuns follow the Farmer's Almanac instead of like, checking the weather forecast, and the Farmer's Almanac says it's supposed to be like 60 degrees right now even though it is actually like 40 degrees, so the nuns have turned the heat off. I tried complaining about the temperature to one of the nuns, who advised "a brisk walk to warm my muscles". I think a Snuggie would be better.

As the ad says: "Blankets are ok....but they can slip and slide." Well truthfully I've never been too bothered by blankets before, but with the invention of the snuggie, I see the limitations and restrictions of blankets. After some serious thought, I've realized that a snuggie could solve all (some) of my problems. Hate getting out of bed in the morning? Well, imagine being able to wear your blanket ALL DAY! Hate your morning commute? Not with a comfy SNUGGIE you won't! Intimidated at the office? Your SNUGGIE will make you feel right at home. Don't know what to wear at Comic Con this year? Go as an ambassador from planet SNUGGIE!

Really, when you think about it, snuggies render normal blankets obsolete.

Snuggies are only $27.00, which unfortunately is more disposable income than I have right now. But as soon as I start making the big bucks, you bet SNUGGIE will be the first thing on my list.

Course, it will be summer by then.

Not as snug and comfortably as I would be if I were blogging with a snuggie,

Earlene

Are you getting tired of my subway stories?

2009-03-10T14:41:00.001-07:00

Today I had a seat on a really crowded train. Then a lady came on, who looked like she needed the seat more than I did.

ME (Earlene): Here, ma'am, have my seat.

LADY: Oh, no, that's ok! You go ahead.

ME: But you shouldn't be on your feet too long if you're pregnant!

Then, much to my surprise, she made a very rude gesture and walked to the other end of the train.

People are friendlier in California.

Some Advice

2009-03-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

When you're in the subway station, and the train pulls up, and it's really packed, and then, all the sudden, in between two completely packed train cars, there is an empty one, you might be prone to thinking the following things, before proceeding to hop into the empty car:

"Is everyone STUPID? Why are they getting onto the packed cars when there is an empty one RIGHT THERE?!"
"Is everyone BLIND? Why are they getting onto the packed cars when there is an empty one RIGHT THERE?!"
"This is my lucky day! Who said the Metro Transit Authority was so terrible, anyway?!"

All of those thoughts are WRONG.

There is a reason people prefer to smash themselves into completely overcrowded subway cars and breath into the armpits of other passengers rather than comfortably sit in the seemingly empty one.

Just, trust me on this.

Running Out of Money

2009-03-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

I wish I got paid for writing this blog. Unfortunately, I don't.

Here are some things I could get paid for:

Cat sitting.
Assembling Ikea furniture.
Selling my hair.
Asking people on the street if they like comedy.
Having a stoop sale at the Convent, where I could sell my sheets, some of my lamer video games, my towel, and assorted Clinique products from my Grandmother
Write people's online dating/facebook profiles.
Play the recorder on the subway for money.
Teach a class on making music videos at the Learning Annex.
Teach a class on stealthily finding out everything there possibly is to find out about your crush at the Learning Annex.

So, while I"m busy trying to figure out how to successfully do one or more of those things, I'm just not sure I will have the appropriate amount of time to dedicate to this, my beloved internet.

You understand, right?

Unless you guys have job suggestions?

Otherwise, I think I may have to take a cue from the nuns, and give up blogging for Lent.

Piously, and penuriously,

Earlene Watts

To Blog, or Not to Blog?

2009-03-04T20:55:00.001-08:00

To Blog or Not to Blog?

That is the question.

It's harder here than it was back home.

Maybe because I actually leave my room now.

Maybe it's cause New York is so draining, when I come back to my little convent home, I rarely have the energy to write.

Maybe it's because my camera broke, and therefore I can't update with lots of pictures of my daily New York life.

or maybe it's because this blog started as a way to obsess over Bradney, but that chapter of my life is over now.

Decisions, decisions....

Posters

2009-03-03T20:26:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys, I've been bad at updating lately. The truth is tomorrow I have my final interview for a job I have been hesitant to talk about for fear of jinxing it (but trust me...it is PERFECT for me.)

If I don't get this job, or A job soon, I don't know how I'm going to be able to afford staying in New York.

Please please please wish me luck and send good thoughts my way! I'll give you guys a full update tomorrow.

In the meantime, here are some posters I ordered to decorate my convent room wall.

Poster Number 1:

Poster #2:

Poster #3:

And the Peace de Resistence:

I think they'll really add some color to an otherwise drab room, and make it homier, no?

Nesting,

Earlene

Beans Town Wrap Up

2009-03-01T18:54:00.000-08:00

I liked Boston, I suppose, but in general it's a city with too many ghosts for my taste.

Oh, you didn't know I have a sixth sense?

Yep. I do.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I see dead people. I just sort of have a sense about where dead people might like to congregate if they were dead and bored. And I think there are a lot of bored dead guys in Boston.

For example:

The Graveyard on Tremont Street--I am a homebody. That means that I like to stay home as much as possible and just be lazy. Going out takes a lot of effort. So I don't. I am alive. If I were dead, I would probably be just as lazy, and hang out at the cemetary. Hence: The Graveyard on Tremont Street being a hotbed for paranormal activity. I know people talk about Puritan work ethic....but I figure there had to have been SOME lazy colonists.

The Boston Commons--A lot of people were hanged here. That is a violent way to die. Still, if I had to be hanged, it would be nice to be hanged in a place that 300 years later became a pretty sweet park. There are a lot of musicians and balloon-animal makers in Boston Commons. Why wouldn't a dead guy want to hang out?

The Old South Meeting House--It was a big meeting house during the 18th century. You think dead people keep up with the times? You think just because it's 2009, all those dead revolutionaries just decided to start hanging out in the food court at the Prudential Center all the sudden? No. They are still chilling in the Old South Meeting House.

The Dunkin Donuts on State Street--I don't know. I just have a feeling about that place.

When I was doing the Freedom Trail, the pamphlet said that parts of the trail were supposedly haunted, and that visitor's experienced "unexplained gusts of cold air."

Uhm.

It's BOSTON.

Of COURSE there are gusts of cold air.

It just goes to show you, you can't believe ALL the paranormal claptrap you hear.

Clairvoyantly,

Earlene

Boston: A city after my own heart

2009-02-27T16:49:00.000-08:00

I came to Boston with every intention of doing the Freedom Trail. But....that was before I went to Quincy Market. And then I decided to follow the Food Trail instead....

And after sampling Boston Chowder, Chicken Pot Pies, Boston Cream Pie, Indian Pudding, Whoppie Pie, and Corn on the cob, I arrived at the Fountain of Youth....

The Mecca of Boston....

The Delicious, Golden Pot at the End of a Culinary Rainbow......

Made to order Macaroni and Cheese.

Maybe I made a mistake moving to New York, cause let me tell you, Boston is where it's AT.

Full, but with a long night ahead of me,

E. Watts

Evil Nuns, Pt.2

2009-02-25T19:27:00.000-08:00

You know, you TRY to do something NICE for someone!

You know how sometimes in High School you would come out of the bathroom with your skirt tucked into your Hanes and and walk all the way through the cafeteria before you noticed, and then think "DANG! It happened AGAIN! Why didn't anyone tell me?!"

I mean, if something really embarrassing like that was happening, like toilet paper stuck on your shoe or spinach in your teeth, you'd want to know, right??

Well. NOT Sister Glorietta! I was trying, in the most SUBTLE, unobtrusive way POSSIBLE, of letting her know she had DIRT on her forehead, and she didn't even appreciate it. Go figure.

It's only been a week, but New York is getting to me. Besides Chafik, Paul is my only friend in New York, and I think even he is getting sick of me.

The convent is pretty boring. I spent about twenty minutes this evening trying to balance a plastic lizard on my face to make it look like it was crawling on me.

I've decided that one of the major perks of living on the East Coast is being close to a lot of different cities. So, tomorrow, in order to get out of New York, I am headed to Beans Town, aka Boston.

I have never been before. Should be good.

Wickedly,

Earlene

One week

2009-02-24T20:30:00.000-08:00

If I've lived in New York City for one entire week, does that make me a New Yorker?

If I haven't eaten anything that I haven't purchased from a cart in the past 7 days, does THAT make me a New Yorker?

If I've started to answer "No." to the guys on the street who ask me "Do you like comedy?", even though I actually do like comedy, does that make me a New Yorker?

If I now know to take a book on the subway to avoid making accidental eye contact with people, does that mean I'm a real New Yorker?

If I pretend to miss the Good Old Days, before gentrification when a gal could "go see a REAL show in Times Square", (whatever that means!) does that make me a New Yorker?

If I insist that the cabbie avoid the JFK Turnpike, even though I'm pretty sure it would be faster than sitting in gridlock, does that make me a real New Yorker?

If, instead of waiting on the curb for the pedestrian signal, I step into the street and slowly inch my way across, tempting fate and angry cars, does that mean I'm a real New Yorker?

If I purposefully mispronounce street names, to highlight the fact that I am a New Yorker, (for instance: Houston is actually pronounced "house-ton". Also, Broadway is pronounced B-rode-way.) does THAT mean I'm a real New Yorker?

It's not important--just wondering when I'll actually feel like I fit in here.

New York-a-liscious,

Earlene

P.S. Here is something that New Yorkers do, that I do not do: When they are waiting for the subway, they lean as far as they can over the track and peer into the tunnel to try and see if a train is coming. It usually isn't. Also, what is the point? This is annoying.

Uptown, Only

2009-02-23T19:31:00.000-08:00

I want to the METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART.

By mySELF! (SOMEONE couldn't be bothered to leave the Halal cart.)

Back when I was dating Carl, we had talked about how we would go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art when I moved to the city. Carl told me that The Metropolitan Museum of Art is "Pay What You Can", which means that if you are very rich, like Alex Trebek, you can pay $1,000,000 to get in to the museum, and if you are very poor, like Carl, you can pay a penny. They have to let you in, just the same.

I am not as rich as Alex Trebek and not quite as poor as Carl, so I paid $5. But really it was more like $5.37, because when I got to the fountain where everyone throws in pennies, I realized I had a lot of wishes and a LOT of change.

I thought the museum was sort of fun, but it would have been a lot more fun with Carl. I looked at the armor, and the Egyptian art. The Egyptian art was pretty good, except there weren't any speech bubbles, or discernable superheros, so I definitely think it could be improved upon.

Overall, fun, but I won't go back until I have someone to share it with.

On the walk down Park Avenue, back to the subway stop, I thought about Gossip Girl, and how I would be a good extra on Gossip Girl, and how maybe I could be "discovered" when they need a random girl to make out with Chace Crawford in order to make Vanessa jealous on Gossip Girl, and I could volunteer, and then they would give me a recurring role on Gossip Girl, and my character would probably live in a beautiful apartment building on Park Avenue, and how it would be really fun to be rich in New York, and how it would be really fun to actually have any sort of income at all in New York, and where the heck is Whitney Port, and what exactly is a bialy anyway and is it halal, and was this crazy, moving all the way out here to New York to spend my days wandering the streets alone?

Anyway. Today's goal of taking the subway? Check.

Tomorrow's goal: Hailing a taxi.

In some kind of state of mind, anyway,

Earlene

Deep. Breath.

2009-02-22T18:36:00.000-08:00

I suppose I had unrealistic expectations. You know that scene in Annie where Daddy Warbucks takes her into the city and the cab drivers start singing and everyone is happy? Yeah, New York is not actually like that. It's a whole different city once you venture away from Times Square and Rockerfellow center. And I don't know WHERE Whitney Port is, but I have been here four days without seeing her!

I suppose there are some things that I am just going to have to get used to. Namely, Evil nuns.

Being Jewish, I had never actually met a nun before. But I expected that they would all more or less be like this:

Or like this:

Well, it turns out that the nuns who run the convent in which I am staying are actually more like this:

But with less kind eyes.

Let's just say, singing "What If God Was One Of Us" in the shower (my morning ritual), is *Not* appreciated.

My cat, Paul? Also not appreciated it. I know they said no pets. But. Paul isn't a pet. He's more like Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Except he doesn't talk. Or have magical powers. And he didn't used to be a person. And I have to change his litter box twice a day. But not a pet.

It's a nice, clean place to live. And the nuns are scary, but the outside, i.e. New York City is REALLY scary. Tomorrow I am forcing myself to take the subway. But tonight, I'm staying in again. I only go out so far as the corner. The corner is where I have met my first New York Friend, Chafik. He has a Halal food cart, and is very nice, and talks a lot, which is good because it is so cold outside that I cover my mouth with my scarf, rendering me uncharacteristically silent.

Chafik used to work at the russian tea room, but when he got tired of boiling tea he started his own cart. I am a hotdog de-vo-tee, as you know, but the Halal food is also very tasty, and I have had it twice a day since I've arrived. He gives me extra hot sauce and napkins, and is a good friend.

So. I suppose things aren't so bad. Like I said...things are just gonna take some getting used to.

Although, when I run into Sister Mercedes first thing in the morning, when I go to the shared bathrooms to brush my teeth....

...I just don't know how I'll ever get used to that.

Shakily,

Earlene Watts

VALENTINES DAY VIDEO

2009-02-20T11:34:00.000-08:00

MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY THANKS TO COUSIN ISH FOR BEING ONHAND TO FILM AND EDIT THE WHOLE THING!

Crap.

2009-02-20T09:07:00.000-08:00

Coming to New York was a huge mistake.

Huge huge huge terrible terrible mistake.

Why Reading This Blog is Better than Watching The Hills

2009-02-17T22:39:00.000-08:00

Reader Paul pointed out the similarities between my current situation, and that of famed Intern and Reality tv star Whitney Port.

Well, I was aware of this Paul. In fact, Whitney Port and I are more similar than you might think.....

Whitney Port grew up in Southern California. So did I.

Whitney Port was the youngest of 5 brothers and sisters. Growing up, I liked to imagine that I was the youngest von Trapp Child, born just 15 months after Gretl.

In an episode of The Hills, Whitney has her wisdom teeth removed. I too have had my wisdom teeth removed.

In late 2008, Whitney got her own reality show chronicling her big move fromSouthern California to pursue a high-end fashion job in New York City. I too, am moving to New York City.

Whitney has nice hair. Me too.

If Whitney can have such a successful life in NYC, then I see no reason why I shouldn't have an equally easy time of it.

Maybe one day we will meet up and swap stories about going on picnics and singing with our siblings.

More excitedly than nervously,

Earlene

Wish they all could be Califoria Giiirrrls....

2009-02-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my LAST OFFICIAL DAY AS A CALIFORNIA GIRL.

This is a big deal, as I have been a California girl my entire life. I decided to go out with a bang, so I DYED MY HAIR BLONDE!

Just kidding, you guys, no I didn't. I want to fit in when I get to New York, not stand out!

But I DID do as many california girl activities I could possibly think of, including:

Listening to "No Doubt Tragic Kingdom" on repeat.
Prematurely complain to Hiroko and Sven about the lack of good Mexican food in New York, even though I don't even eat Mexican food because it triggers my Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Wear flip flops all morning.
Change into Uggs, A mini-skirt, A tank top, and mittens during the evening.
Flat ironed my hair, and then curled it, and then flat ironed it again to give it"natural beach waves". (This did not work so well on my hair.)
"Lay Out"....on the roof of my garage, until the birds started to get too comfortable with me.
Go to "Jamba". Down a wheatgrass shot. (It was disgusting. I immediately had to get a slurpee from 7-11 to get the taste out of my mouth.)

And then, finally

Driving down the freeway, past all the palm trees, blasting any music you want and singing at the top of your lungs without the fear of your mother deciding to try to harmonize with you....

That's the California I'm really gonna miss. All that endless room to drive.

One more day, you guys!!!!!!!!!

Excitedly/Nervously,

Earlene

P.S. Bradney video coming by WEDNESDAY AT THE LATEST! Definitely before I get to New York!

Happy Va-len-TIIIIIIINES Day

2009-02-15T22:04:00.001-08:00

You guys came through on your end of the bargain, and I came through on mine. Except the gondola, because those are more expensive than I thought. Also I thought it might be best to keep Bradney away from populated areas. But trust me, the date was really good, and Ish was on hand to video tape the whole thing, even if he did complain to me later that I had "tricked him" and that he felt "creepy". Whatever, I paid him.

Anyway, I have to edit that, but it will hopefully be up by Tuesday.

And on WEDNESDAY................

I AM LEAVING FOR NEW YORK CITY. Can you even believe it? I feel like this has been my dream for so long. Well, for like, two months at LEAST. This is going to be a whole new and exciting chapter in my modern life!

Unfortunately, with the start of a new chapter comes the closing of another one. I am going to greatly miss all the people who mean so much to be here in California, mainly my mom, my Grandma, and yes, even Ish.

I worry about how my mom will handle the separation. Some of the conversations we've had over the last couple days have been disturbing. On Saturday, I woke up when my mom had climbed ONTO my bed to measure the space above my headboard.

ME: Mom.......what?!

MOM: Oh, morning poodle. Did I wake you?

ME: You're standing on my hand.

MOM: Do you think I can fit a King size bed in here?

ME: Why?

MOM: I'm gonna move into this room when you leave. I've always wanted a King Size bed.

She's moving into my room?! The poor dear is so heartsick over my looming departure that she wants to move into the very room where I've spent most of my life. She wants to cocoon herself, if you will, into the walls that hold the very essence of me.

And, later, coming out of my bedroom with a box full of stuff:

MOM: Early, sweetie, do you want these?

ME: My high school yearbooks?

MOM: Yeah. Should I toss 'em?

ME: No! Geez, Mom!

MOM: Well, I don't know, it's not like high school was that great for you.

ME: But it's still a part of my history...

MOM: (flipping through it) There's only one signature...

ME: MOM put that down--

MOM: "Shirley Mirley"? I don't remember that name. Is that your handwriting?

ME: MOM, NO! STOP READING THAT, OK? JUST PUT IT BACK ON THE SHELF.

MOM: Fine. I'm just trying to eliminate some clutter, but fine.

*exits. comes back a few minutes later*

MOM: What about this? You don't really need this, do you?

ME: Mr. Fluffers?

She's giving away my THINGS! Typical behaviour of a bereaved mother. Because the PHYSICAL MEMORIES of my presence will be too much for her to bear!

And, finally, tonight:

MOM: So! What do you want for dinner tonight? Your laaast dinner home!

ME: I'm not leaving til Wednesday.

MOM: What.

ME: But I'll want Kraft Mac N'Cheese.

MOM: I thought you were leaving Monday?

ME: No.

MOM: Oh.

ME: So we actually have THREE more nights together! We can have Mac'N'Cheese tonight, too!

MOM: Right, well, actually honey, I'm feeling a little tired, I think I'm gonna go upstairs and read. Can you make yourself a sandwich or something?

She SO dreads my eventual leaving that she wants the day to come SOONER, just to begin the healing process.

Poor mom.

Oh well. All chickadees have to flee the nest sometime.

Like a bird,

Early

t-1 day!

2009-02-13T10:51:00.001-08:00

I am THREE FOLLOWERS AWAY from kidnapping Bradney for Valentines Day and having Cousin Ish video tape it. JUST THREE!!!!!!!!!!

Come on guys. Spare me from spending tomorrow night seeing "He's Just Not That Into You" with my mother, who will probably sneak some butterscotch schnapps into the theater and proceed to yell encouraging things to the characters on-screen, such as "Forget about him, sister!" and "Don't LISTEN to his lies!"

Shudder.

And now, a haiku:

A Haiku

"Earlene's Modern Life"

Would make an awesome movie

In Claymation.

But then whose voice would they use for Earlene?

Meta-lly,

E. Watts

Oh, for pete's sake.

2009-02-11T22:36:00.000-08:00

You Guys. I have made it easy for you.

See the new gadget on the right, with a list of followers? Now all you have to do is click the "FOLLOW THIS BLOG" button.

Now you no longer have an excuse.

It is seriously not that difficult.

Sheesh.

(Theresa....can you explain to me how to follow a blog that is not my blog? i would like to follow yours, but there isn't a button like on mine, and i only really was able to put that button on accident when I was trying to figure out how to follow other people's blogs, so now my blog has a button, but I still do not know how to follow your blog. Or any other blog, for that matter.)

Anyway.

So FACEBOOK came up with some new and stressful application for me to have social anxiety over, today. Everytime you click on a random person's facebook profile, THIS appears:

As soon as I saw that, I started having trauma flashbacks to the second grade, when made "Mail Boxes" out of old cereal boxes, and I decorated mine with construction paper hearts and wrote "EARLENE'S VALENTINES", but then on Valentine's day the only person who gave me a valentine was the teacher. And it said "YOU ARE SPECIAL". And then I showed it to my Grandma and she got all indignant and later I heard her telling my mom: "The girl may have her quirks but she is NOT retarded!"

The next year, in third grade, they implemented a new rule saying that you had to make valentines for EVERYONE.

Except, facebook can't make a rule like that, where if you send one valentine you have to send it to everyone on facebook. And that's probably a good thing, because there are people who would definitely be weirded out if they randomly got a facebook valentine from me, like the head cheerleader from high school who I only friended when after three months of working up the courage i decided that the ability to see all her pictures trumped the possible humiliation of rejection.

So now, just like every year, I probably won't be getting any valentines. Except this year, the WHOLE WORLD WILL KNOW IT.

So after mulling over it for a few hours, I decided to send Bradney a facebook valentine, when, to my horror, I saw THIS:

WHO is that bitch, and WHY is she giving MY bradney a valentine?

It ALMOST made me not want to send him one. Almost.

In the end, I decided to just send him a really casual, breezy note, to let him know I'm thinking of him.

I hope he likes it.

Cupidly,

Earlene

Why do I still only have six followers.

2009-02-10T21:59:00.001-08:00

Liveblogging=fail, as JFK doesn't have wireless internet.

I did snap this picture of myself at the gate.

I was not chosen for exit row duty this time, so I got to spend the plane ride sleeping and watching "Into the Wild with Bear Grylles".

Have any of you guys seen that show? It's a documentary series all about this attractive British man who for some reason keeps getting stranded in a bunch of deserted places, but he was a Boy's Cout so he knows what to do in dangerous situations. I watched a show today where he as stranded in the Sahara desert, but luckily he came across a camel carcas that he could crawl into. Also he found plenty of water within the camel's belly, once he removed all the excrement.

If this whole office job thing doesn't work out, I think I should try getting my own show. "Into the Wild with Earlene Watts". ESPECIALLY with my exit row training, I would be really good at it, I think. I think I am a naturally intuitive girl when it comes to emergency situations. Like, if I were stranded at sea in a life boat, I would make a fishing hook out of my underwire bra, and then bait it with, like, kelp or something, and then I would catch lots of fish and eat them. And then if there was a whale I could get WHALE BLUBBER and use it to make candles. I have lots of good ideas.

Anyway, I am pretty tired right now, because being a jetsetter is pretty tiring.

THREE DAYS til Valentines Day.

ONE WEEK til I move to NEW YORK CITY officially.

Exhausted, and probably soon to be homeless,

Earlene

Do you know what "liveblogging" is?

2009-02-10T10:14:00.001-08:00

I think I may try "liveblogging" from the airport...

My Interview....

2009-02-10T10:03:00.001-08:00

Could have gone significantly better.

If I can make it here....

2009-02-08T19:13:00.000-08:00

I am in new york and ready for my interview tomorrow morning!!!!!

Also, something very exciting happened this afternoon: I, Earlene Watts, was chosen to sit IN AN EXIT ROW! This, of course, was a huge honor, and totally unexpected. I was just sitting at the gate, enjoying my pre-flight ritual of a Cinnabon and McDonalds French Fries (call me superstitious, but my plane hasn't crashed YET!) when the gate boarder person called me up to the desk.

Gate Boarder Person: Ms.Watts?

ME: Present!

Gate Boarder Person: We're moving you into an exit row. Are you willing and able to help out in case of an emergency?

ME: (tearing up a little) I will pledge my life to this ship!

Gate Boarder Person: Plane.

ME: I won't let you down!

Gate Boarder Person: Great. You can go back to your seat now.

I went back to my seat and I called my mom to tell her the good news. I felt proud, but also nervous: Sitting in the exit row is a lot of responsibility. 200 innocent lives were in MY hands, and it was MY duty to see that they were all safe.

Once aboard the plane, I immediately tested the exit doors to make sure they were locked. I even threw myself against them a few times, just to make sure they wouldn't open accidentally in mid air. After I securely fastened my seatbelt, I turned to my neighbor, a swarthy man in a business suit, and checked to make sure that his seatbelt was properly fastened as well.

I paid rapt attention during the safety demonstration, and when I saw that a woman was reading the newspaper instead of listening, I gently but firmly reminded her to pay attention to the flight attendant.

I always get a little nervous when planes take off, but as Exit Row Monitor, it is my job to put on a brave face and keep the cabin calm, so as soon as the plane started to take off, I yelled out so that everyone could hear me: "EVERYONE STAY CALM! THIS IS NORMAL PLANE MOVEMENT! WE ARE JUST TAKING OFF! SO FAR THERE ARE NO SIGNS OF CRASHING INTO THE PACIFIC OCEAN!"

As soon as we reached crusing altitude, I put my seatback tray down, and started making flashcards of the emergency exit information in the Safety Pamphlet. Normally a plane just lulls me to sleep, but I continuously ordered cokes to prevent that from happening. Diligence is the key to safety!

I decided it would be a good idea to introduce myself to the Captain....after all, if there was an emergency, he and I would be called upon to work together to save the crew and passengers. Unfortunately, his door was locked, and about six flight attendants hurried over and made me sit down before I was able to meet him.

After our we began our initial descent into JFK, I walked up and down the aisles checking people's seatbelts, and remind them not to help babies and old people in case the oxygen masks came down.

I was so proud of myself for being so brave for most of the trip, but as it came time to land, I lost some of my courage, and screamed out "WE'RE GOING TO DIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" as we touched down. Luckily, the swarthy man beside me was kind enough to let me grip his arm.

When we arrived at the gate, I went around the plane and shook hands with all the crew members, thanking them for a safe flight.

Tomorrow, during my job interview, I think I should add 'Exit Row Experience" to my resume.

Courageously,

Earlene Watts

Essential Lies

2009-02-06T00:52:00.000-08:00

Some of you expressed interest in the fact that I lie when I fill out forms at the doctor's office about smoking and drinking.

I am a very honest person, for the most part. But I know that lying is an important part of a modern girl's life. Here is a list of things it is important to lie about.

A LIST OF THINGS IT IS IMPORTANT TO LIE ABOUT

Your resume. You guys all remember my resume, right? Beach clean-up volunteer was about my only leadership position, and unsurprisingly I got very few responses to my cover letters. The Solution? I made up a company (THE EWI GROUP, LTD) and a position (PROJECT MANAGER). The important thing for this to work is to constantly remain vague. "EWI Group, Ltd is a medium sized business with high profile clients and a commitment to increasing portfolios and profits while still being cutting edge." "As Project Manager, I oversaw a variety of projects from concept to fruition, maintaining constant contact with clients while ensuring the execution of EWI Group, Ltd's business objectives on a daily basis." What does that mean? No one will ever ask you.

Also, in a job interview, the answer is always "YES". Are you willing to start immediately? YES. Do you have a work visa? YES. Are you willing to work overtime if necessary? YES. Describe a time when you had to take on a leadership role. YES.

When talking to a boy you are interested in, and he asks you, albeit casually, how many guys you've dated, the answer is ALWAYS either three more or three fewer than the truth, depending on your number, and whether you need a little extra padding, or a little airbrushing. (In my case, I add five.)

When someone asks you "Have you had lunch?" the answer is always Not Yet!

When you get your hair cut, you should always try to bite your lip and cry at the end, even if you like it. They will usually give you 15% off.

NEW YORK THIS WEEKEND, GUYS! Cross your fingers for me. Also, I now have SIX FOLLOWERS, so i am only TEN away from my goal! Woo!

Also.....I really hope I don't run into Carl and or +/ Tressica when I walk by his apartment a few times to see if he's home in New York....

Honestly,

Early

16

2009-02-04T23:55:00.000-08:00

So, I guess you guys want me to kidnap Bradney and take him on a gondola ride, and for cousin ish to film it.

Ok, sure.

I can do that.

BUT ONLY IF I HAVE SIXTEEN FOLLOWERS!

It's so easy it's not even funny. If you have a blog, just click FOLLOW ME PUBICALLY!

If you have friends with blogs, get them to FOLLOW ME TOO!

In other news, I am flying to New York on Monday for a job interview. It's amazing what a fake resume can do for a girl!

Anyway, the question is what to wear...

I will pull some outfits and then get your input.

Sixteenly,

E.Watts

25 Interesting Facts About Me

2009-02-04T00:11:00.000-08:00

So, everyone on facebook has been doing these "25 Random Facts About Me" surveys and then they tag 25 friends to make them also list 25 random facts.

This has been going on for a couple days, and I have been waiting for someone to tag me.

Well, it's been like a week, I'm running out of facebook friends who haven't done it yet, and sometimes you just gotta take matters into your own hands.

25 Interesting Facts about Moi, Earlene

Once I accidentally snapped a gerbil's neck. And it was the class gerbil. And I just put it back in the cage without telling anyone.
I love to chew gum and ice at the same time.
I hate the show Jon and Kate Plus Eight because it gives me anxiety attacks.
I have negative bouyancy. This is very rare, and affects less than 1% of the population. It doesn't really affect me that much, unless I am in a pool or lake or large body of water, in which case I just sink straight down to the bottom.
My signature drink is a Virgin Pina Colada. Every time I order it, I ask the person next to me if they like getting caught in the rain.
My mom went through this weird hippy period, so for a year in middle school I made my own soap.
Once I went to Bradney's house and his roommate let me in and I stole a stick of deodorant from his room. He wears Old Spice.
I am allergic to Coconut.
Once I thought a guy at the grocery store was cute, so I asked him where the humus was. Except we were standing directly in front of the hummus. And also we were at Whole Foods, where, hummus is EVERYWHERE..
I am not allergic to vegetables, but I tell people I am because I don't like them.
I really like Verizon commercials, and have a picture of the Verizon guy as my desktop.
Also, once I saw the guy from the All State commercials in a movie or something from before he was the All State, "Are You In Good Hands?" guy....and I did not like it.
I think that ostriches are the most terrifying creatures on the planet.
I can't sleep without socks on.
When I was little I used to pretend to get ear infections so I could get that pink medicine that tasted like bubblegum.
Sometimes when I go to the doctor's office and have to fill out paperwork, I lie and say that I smoke and drink so that the doctor doesn't think I'm a loser.
I auditioned for a barbershop quartet once but did not get in because I was not A) a man, B) on pitch, or C) retired.
In my head, my conscience sounds like Mr.Feeney from Boy Meets World. Like, whenever I'm about to do something bad, Mr.Feeney tells me not to. "Do NOT put frosting on that pizza, Ms.Watts!"
I asked my mother for a surprise party every single year of growing up, and never got one.
The only thing scarier than ostriches is ALF.
The only concert I have ever been to is a Lyle Lovett concert.
If I do not like you, I will draw pictures of you in my secret notebook.
I like the word "significantly".
If I have a daughter I will name her Sarapheena.
I can't drink out of bottles without spilling all over myself. I always have to use a glass.

Randomly,
Earlene Watts

Flirt Bowl XLIII

2009-02-01T23:04:00.000-08:00

Congratulations Tressica! You are a double loser for today!

Starting off, I know for a fact that Tressica's step-father's first wife's brother's daughter-in-law has a cousin who lives in Tuscon, Arizona. And apparently the Tuscon Cardinals beefed it hard today during the Super Bowl.

But guess who else was bringing the beef? Tony at McDonald's.

My mom dragged me out to the Container Store today because she has to buy some new Tupperware after the "nacho incident of last Tuesday" as she keeps referring to it. But not wanting to be around large capacities of plastic and finding the Geo's ashtray full of loose change, I ventured over to the Golden Arches on the horizon of the mall's parking lot.

I walked in and who should greet me from behind the counter, but Tony. His name tag twinkled with grease in the late afternoon sun. Tony is a man who knows how to dress, making a tie and visor the sexiest fashion statement this winter. On top of that, he puts a woman's needs first:

TONY: Hi! Welcome to McDonald's. How can I serve you?
ME: (speechless) ...uhhhh....uhhhh....uhhhh....
TONY: Uh, hi? How can I serve you, miss?
ME: ....uhhhh....uhhhh....one....
TONY: The number one?
ME: ...mmmmmhhhmmm....
TONY: Can I super-size those fries for you?
ME: UUUUUH-HUUUUUH...
TONY: You want the drink super-sized too?
ME: Ooooooooo....
TONY: Got it. Your number one...(long pause)...will be out in a moment.

Then a wink.

Carl never winked at me. Carl never "super-sized" anything for me. Carl never called me number one, though I so am. And guess what Tressica? He's never going to say those kind of things to you either. Bradney is definitely the man for me at this point in my life, but who said there is anything wrong with a little flirtation? In one savy minute Tony made me swoon more than in an entire restless night of stalking both Carl and Bradney on Second Life.

Tony probably planned to give me my order on the house, but then some gross Pizza Face Girl came up to him with my bag of food, glared at me, and left. I got the hint. He's taken by Pizza Face Girl, but looking to get out, maybe expand into an open relationship. Though I never thought I'd pay for the attention of a man, I found myself handing out $4.39, plus tip, and speed-walked back to my mom's Geo.

I'm not a home wrecker, as you guys know, but if Tony ever wants a date, he know's what number to call...out loud...in the middle of those lonely, lonely nights with Pizza Face...."Number One".

So Tressica, who are the champions? Me, that's who.

Touchdown,

Earlene

OMG YOU GUYS I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!

2009-01-30T01:23:00.000-08:00

....................just kidding, no I didn't.

ANYWAY.

The vote is on. If I get 16 (sixteen) followers, I will either

A) Show up at Bradney's office with flowers and ask him to be my valentine. And film it.

B) Go to Bradney's HOUSE and re-create the scene from Love Actually where that cute guy uses poster board to tell Keira Knightley he will love her until she looks like an egyptian mummy. And film it.

C) Kidnap Bradney. Force him to go on a romantic Gondola Ride in Long Beach. And Film it.

D) Show up at Bradney's house with another BOY to make Bradney jealous. Film it.

THE VOTE IS YOURS, PEOPLE!!!!!!

But, just to be clear, I am totally over Bradney. I am honestly just doing this for the sake of the blog. Soooooooo over Bradney, I mean, come on. Looks and great personality aren't everything, you know.

So over him,

Earlene

Reading is fun for when your xbox is broken!

2009-01-29T01:34:00.000-08:00

So, a friend pointed me in the direction of www.goodreads.com, which is sort of like myspace for people who read. (It is a well-known fact that the vast majority of myspace readers are illiterate.)

Apparently it is a good way to meet men: you just upload your favorite books, and it will show you similarly minded people. Hopefully, once I start chatting up some guys, I can ask them to be my valentine.

Here are the books I added:

BOOKS I ADDED

1. He's Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt

2. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, By Judy Blume

3. Make Every Man Want You, by Marie Foliero

4. Living with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, by Helen Shapiro

5. In My Own Words, by Christopher Plummer

6. Rick Steves' Guide to Arizona

7. Days Of Thunder 2: Cole's Reckoning

So as soon as the website finds suitable men who like the same books as me, I'll be all set for Valentine's Day! Yay!

Still compiling suggestions for the poll on what I should film myself doing. Check back later in the day.

Literature-ally,

Earlene

Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly, Lavender Green

2009-01-28T01:48:00.000-08:00

So, Swati Hingorani, from Bombay, was kind enough to leave a comment informing me that those arranged marriage sites are borderline racist, which obviously won't do, because I will accept ANY shade of Indian. So, Swati, do you know anyone you could set me up with for Valentine's Day?

And Jennifer pointed out that Bradney has a blog now, anniedontwearnopanties.blogspot.com, which was nice of her but also naive, because obviously I have been carefully monitoring all of Bradney's activities. Even though I am over him. Totally. Although, the blog makes no mention of HIM having a date for Valentine's day...

Anyway, Bradney's blog has this thing where if he and his roommate get 15 people to follow his blog, they will film themselves donating blood. Which, is sort of like saying "if you read your blog I will give money to orphans--but if not, I won't."

Still, I think it's a good idea, and would like to implement it. I have FIVE followers right now. If I get 16 followers, I will.......

Well, that's the problem. What would you like to see me do? Donate blood? Eat a sandwich? Show up at Bradney's office with flowers and ask him to be my Valentine?

I would like to hear your suggestions. And then I will compile the best ones and make a POLL, because we haven't done one in a while.

And then if I get 16 followers, I will film myself doing whatever it is you guys want me to do.

But keep it PG. If I didn't go to third base with a class of life Figure drawers, do you think I will do it for the whole internet?

Chastely,

Earlene

P.S. Paul...I tried Craigslist.....it did not end well.

Some Math

2009-01-27T01:46:00.000-08:00

So, I am trying not to be too discouraged by the fact that despite the fact that over 40 people read my blog today, NO ONE either

A) volunteered to Date Me.

B) knew someone in all of their acquaintances who would date me.

Now, the average person has at least 164 friends on facebook.

40x164= 6,560. (No, I did not do that in my head, what am I, a GENIUS?!)

Let's say about half of those people are boys, so 6,560/2 is 3,280. (Yes, still used a calculator.)

That's 3,280 people who wouldn't date me.

Well, good, we're off to a great start with this Valentine's Mission.

So, you know there are a bunch of websites dedicated to arranged marriages? Like Baharatmatrimony.com, or shaadi.com.

It's pretty simple: your parents submit a profile for you, based on religious preferences and caste, and the website sends you potential matches.

I can already hear you skeptics: I KNOW I've had bad luck with internet dating in the past. But this is different because it is run and aimed at Indian people, and everyone knows that Indian people are generally more serious and efficient than, for instance, white people. I am sure that shaadi.com is run by a team of Indian mothers and grandmothers who know what they are doing. I definitely trust them more than that creepy old doctor who made up eharmony.

I did a little search, just to see what would happen, and there were so many exciting matches! Like Harshdeep, a Sikh Computer Professional from USA, or Rajiv83, a Punjabi Marketing Professional from USA.

So, I'm THINKING about submitting a fake profile and arranging a "marriage" with one of them, just to break the ice. Of course once we meet in person I will simply let them know that I am not interested in marriage yet, but we could probably go to Extraordinary Desserts on Valentine's Day.

Predestined,

Earlene

Racing, and pacing, and plotting the course....

2009-01-26T02:52:00.000-08:00

Please, just, don't ask me how my modeling gig went. Let's just say, as a girl who is still waiting for her first kiss, I was not about to go to third base with an entire class of Figure Drawing Students.

So you won this one, Tressica, but that doesn't prove anything. I bet more people read MY blog than hers! And I bet once I move to New York and get a job, then MY job will be cooler than hers! And I bet that once I have been working at my job long enough to get an apartment, my APARTMENT will be cooler than hers! And if she's a Sex and the City Samantha, then I'm totally a MIRANADA, and Miranda is better! And once I move out of the convent I will have a TON of boyfriends! And I'll be too busy to read her blog! But then one day I will stumble upon it, and it will say "Boo Hoo, I broke up with Carl!"! And I will be like "Wait...Carl, carl...that sounds familiar....nope, nope, can't place it."! Or, I'll be like "Yeah you DID break up with carl because I am dating him!" Or I'll be like "Oh, Zac Effron, you missed a spot." and i wont CARE!

So even if you don't know you're IN this competition, Tressica....prepare to be DOMINATED. There is just an endless list of things I can think of in which to beat you. I am very creative.

In other news:

Mark your calendars.

FEBRUARY 18th, I am moving to New York City. I

but more importantly:

FEBRUARY 14th.

I must find a date for Valentine's Day.

I am willing to be set up on a blind date, as long as he isn't looking for anything serious. (I am leaving, after all.)

Suggestions? Volunteers?

Under Pressure,

Earlene

America's Next Top UGLY Model.

2009-01-23T01:55:00.000-08:00

OMG you guys! Tressica's, like, gonna be a model! Because she's, like, SO PRETTY!

HA! Everyone knows that REAL top models are actually really ugly, and only get booked because they have "interesting" or "unique" aka HIDEOUS faces.

Also, I am sure that once I arrive in New York and start taking the subway regularly, I too will be approached to model. It's not THAT big of a deal. It happens to everyone, and it will happen to me, too, especially if it's a hair model thing, because once after going to the Clinique counter I asked my mom to honestly tell me what my best facial feature was and she said I have nice hair. (Actually, she said I have nice hair when I "bother to run a comb through it", which means I have nice hair at LEAST once a week.)

Once I asked Carl if he would ever break up with me, and he said "No", and then after a minute he was like "well, maybe for a MODEL or something."

Well that is completely ridiculous because models cannot possibly be fun to date. You would never want to swap plates at a restaurant because they would probably only order, like, celery stalk. You would take your girlfriend home to your parents, knowing that if your parents read magazines or or billboards they've already seen your girlfriend in her underwear. And you would probably untag every picture of you two together on facebook because you would inevitably just look like a ridiculous gnome next to her.

But, if Carl is determined to have a model, I can be a model. It's honestly not that hard.

All I had to do was google search "Modeling Opportunities" "Los Angeles", make a few calls, and bada bing bada bang, The Los Feliz Figure Drawing Group is paying me $20 an hour to model for them this weekend.

Not difficult, Tressica, not difficult at all. Now all I have to do is plan my outfit!

Triumphantly,

Earlene

Wait.

2009-01-22T02:26:00.000-08:00

Did Tressica just INSULT ME??

If so, you can BET i'm going to retaliate! Somehow!

www.tresstrysts.blogspot.com

Vengeful,

A Haiku, a Complaint, and a Picture

2009-01-22T00:50:00.000-08:00

A HAIKU IN SYMPATHY FOR SASHA AND MALIA

The Jonas Brothers:

Such a second rate surprise.

Should have been a Dog.

A COMPLAINT

I've sent out a billion cover letters for jobs in New York, and haven't heard back from a single one. Why doesn't anyone want a girl with Beach Cleanup experience, HMMMMM?? If stupid TRESSICA can get a STUPID job as a STUPID receptionist, why can't I get hired as an investigator for the NYPD, or an architect???

A PICTURE

Pretty good, huh? I suppose I should go blonde.

Listlessly,

Early

MEN, some great, some small.

2009-01-20T22:43:00.000-08:00

So, I've been carefully monitoring Tressica's blog all day, and I came upon something pretty disturbing....

Someone left the following comment: "You definitely won't be having sex with Carl. Been there, didn't do that, BOOOOORING".

Uhm.

I did not leave that comment. (Although I DID leave the one before it)

This begets the question:

HOW MANY GIRLFRIENDS HAS CARL HAD?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

Also, at least I don't sign my posts "TA!". And, (I've said this before, but it bears repeating:) AT LEAST MY NAME ISN'T TRESSICA!!!!!

Anyway. I was supposed to go to the gym today, but then I remembered the inauguration is on tv, so of course I had to watch all day because I LOVE charles gibson.

Here are some facts about Charles Gibson:

He is affable.
He went to the same school as Sasha and Malia Obama. It is fun to imagine a 10 year old Charlie Gibson with a quill in hand.
His father grew up in Schenectady, NY.
He moderated a debate between Bush and Kerry in 2004.
Actually there is surprisingly little interesting information about him on wikipedia.

But still, he is great, and I am drawn to his charming banter and animal magneticsm, so I was glued to my tv set all day, and instead of going to the gym....

I ate an inauguration cupcake.

God Bless America,

Earlene Watts

I HAAAAATE HER

2009-01-20T02:23:00.001-08:00

Carl's girlfriend has a blog. A BLOG. I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her. She's so stupid.

Her name is Tressica.

.....HER NAME

.....IS

....TRESSICA.

THAT IS NOT A NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh, if you feel like going and throwing up a whole bunch, please visit www.tresstrysts.blogspot.com, and be sure to leave her a comment telling her how TERRIBLE she is.

It's definitely time to up my game in terms of getting Carl back. Do you guys have suggestions? PLEASE? I am thinking about taking a series of provocative pictures of myself.

I practiced a "Come Hither" look today.

If I approached you in a bar, you'd buy me a virgin Pina Colada drink, yes?

Irresistably,

Earlene

P.S. www.tresstrysts.blogspot.com if you love reading about BITCHES.

What I would say......

2009-01-18T23:42:00.000-08:00

...if I actually WERE on Inside the Actor's Studio.

(Since so many of you asked.)

(....that basically means you, t.scroggins)

INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO QUESTIONS

1. What is your favorite word?

OWL

2. What is your least favorite word?

VEGGIES

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Anything with talking animals. Xeroxing things. Going into hotel lobbys to check to see if they have free coffee.

4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

When people misuse things, like using sharpies to take detailed notes instead of using them to label boxes or sign autographs. Or when people make Neopets solely so they can have a pet and name it after their boyfriend and pick outfits for it, instead of going on a NEOPETS QUEST. Or when people take used milk cartons and put birdseed in it or something. Or when people make boats and hats out of newspaper instead of reading it. Basically anything that will make me shout at someone "THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S FOR!!!!!"

5.What sound or noise do you love?

The sound the spoon makes when you stick it into a huge pot of refrigerated/congealed macaroni and cheese. It's no secret that I love Mac N'Cheese, but COLD Mac'N'Cheese is the BEST, and the sucking noise the spoon makes as you dish it out is what I believe angels sound like.

6. What sound or noise do you hate?

The sound of my mother forcing herself to laugh hysterically at all the teen movies she constantly gets on NetFlix, in a (desperate.) (vain.) (fruitless.) attempt to stay young.

(Regina George: "Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen!"

My Mom: AHHHHH HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!)

7. What is your favorite curse word?

Penis

8. What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?

British.

9. What profession would you not like to do?

Ghost hunter.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like God to say to you when you arrive at the pearly gates?

"Oh, hey Earlene. International Buffet of Italian Foods is THAT way, Zac Effron is THAT way, and here's a copy of "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened" by Lizzie Borden. Have fun. Oh---and I love your blog."

Who knows, maybe one day I will be famous enough to say all those answers on television.

What would YOU guys answer? I'm curious.

Back to my endless cover letters.....

Earlene

Always Be Prepared

2009-01-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

Always Be Prepared, is a pretty good motto. You never know what life may throw at you. I was NOT prepared to be dumped by Carl for another woman even though he is quiverful. This was, perhaps, a bit naive on my part, given the fact that he lived in New York City, and his name was not Jim Bob.

However, this does not mean I go about my life completely unprepared for whatever may happen next. Here are three things I think you should always be prepared for.

1. A Visit From Grandma

Much like a nuclear holocaust, a visit from Grandma can take you completely by surprise, and the after-math can be deadly. Even if you survive the initial blast of her visit, the toxic remnants of her "cleaning your room" (throwing away all your comic books) and "re-organizing the pantry" (stocking it with Slimfast Shakes) can be deadly.

The best way to be prepared for a visit is to go through the house and make sure certain safety measures are in order. Give yourself a little checklist:

Is the gin locked away?
Have the waste baskets been emptied of all twinkie rappers?
Have you hidden Mom's romance novels and Sue Grafton mystery books away from her nightstand, and replaced them with "No One Helps You Until You Help Yourself" and "Men: Who Needs Em?"
Have you removed any dangerous objects from the house, such as tape measures, scales, and pictures from the vacation you didn't tell her you went on?
Have you boogy-trapped the living room with decoys such as a yoga ball, a German Language Tape Set, and a bookmarked biography of Katherine Hepburn?

These simple steps will serve to greatly minimize the impact of a visit from grandma.

2. GEESE

You never know when your plane will accidentally suck in a geese in its engine, and be forced to make an irksome emergency landing in the frigid Hudson River. Therefore, you should always dress warmly for a flight, expecting hypothermia at any moment. (Also, a coat will protect you from the sun and give you shelter if your plane sucks in a few Geese over the Gobi Desert or something.) In addition, you will always want to, as my mother says wear makeup and do your hair before a flight, because if you survive the plane crash there will be ample opportunity to be interviewed on television and you don't want to look like the goose got sucked into the engine and then plopped itself onto your head.

And another thing....if you don't happen to survive the plane crash, having your hair and makeup already done will save your family a few hundred bucks on having to get that done post-mortem. Morbid, but practical in this economy.

3. Inside The Actor's Studio

Even if you are not an actor, and don't plan to pursue acting, you cannot tell me that if someone walked up to you at Coco's and offered you a lead role in the next Amanda Bynes flick, you wouldn't take it. So even if you think acting isn't your thing, you should always be prepared to be catapulted into international superstardom. And the big right of passage for a serious actor is to be interviewed by the bald guy on Inside the Actor's Studio, and then hopefully parodied on SNL.

Inside the Actor's Studio is, like, the easiest interview ever, because you spend the first part just talking about movies you've ALREADY DONE, so you know all the answers. And the second part, the guy asks you a series of questions, but, insiders know, THEY ARE THE EXACT SAME QUESTIONS FOR EVERY INTERVIEW.

So you really, really don't want to look like a total novice and mess up the questions that every single other actor in the history of time has managed to answer.

Of course, I have had all my answers ready for YEARS.

With great foresight,

Earlene

How do you solve a problem like Earleee-eeene? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

2009-01-15T01:34:00.000-08:00

Editorial Note: Some readers gave me some, Ahem, Constructive Criticism about my post yesterday. I am told it was perhaps a little difficult to figure out what I was talking about? Ok, fair enough. I know that my writing is very sophisticated, nuanced, and peppered with complex metaphors that the average reader of, say, Perez Hilton or The Huffington Post would be unaccustomed to. So let me clarify:

I AM MOVING INTO A CONVENT IN NEW YORK CITY. BUT YOU HAVE TO APPLY FIRST. SO THAT WAS MY PERSONAL STATEMENT.

At first I was afraid that living in a convent might be a little weird, but after carefully reviewing The Sound of Music, I am excited about all the singing I will surely be doing, and can't wait to hear what song the nuns will make up about ME, Earlene. Also, if they feel the need to pimp me out to babysit cute little children who like schnitzle with noodles, which I understand is the Austrian version of Mac N'Cheese with hotdogs, that would be fine by me.

Moving on.

Tonight I went to see Dog Millionaire, which it turns out has a "Slum" in front of it and is not the Animated Sequel to "All Dogs Go To Heaven". Before the movie I naturally went to the Concessions stand to get an Icee, the CUTEST GUY I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE was working the register. Seriously, he looked like Paul from the Wonder Years. In the last season, when he got hot.

Paul, the Early Years.

Our conversation went like this:

NOT ACTUALLY PAUL FROM THE WONDER YEARS: Can I help you?

EARLENE: A coke Icee.

NOT PAUL: We're out of Coke flavor.

EARLENE: HAMINA??

NOT PAUL: Uh. We have Blue Raspberry. Would you like that instead?

EARLENE: Yes.

-Not Paul goes to get the Blue Raspberry Icee-

NOT PAUL: $4.25

EARLENE: What are they gonna think of next? Purple Orange?

NOT PAUL: What?

EARLENE: Get it?

NOT PAUL: No...

EARLENE: Blue Raspberry? BLUE? Raspberries are RED!

NOT PAUL: Oh. Right.

EARLENE: It's SILLY! Am I right? Am I right??

NOT PAUL: That'll still be $4.25, please.

Sigh. I'm gonna be seeing a LOT more movies, now that I know I can get a MAN along with my nachos.

Fliberdigibbetly,

Earlene

Application--Personal Statement

2009-01-14T02:21:00.000-08:00

My name is Earlene Watts, and I live in Torrance, California, at 3322 Wawona Avenue, down the street from my former elementary school, three blocks over from my former high school, and a two minute car ride from the Galleria, where I worked at Wetzel's Pretzels after school from 2003-2006.

I've slept in the same twin bed my whole life, except for when my parents took me to the Grand Canyon (and then I slept on a fold-out cot at the Quality Inn), and then again at the Sheraton in New York City, where I slept on a full. Often, I still sleep in the same Babysitter's Club Flannel Sheets I got for Christmas in 1993. I am not one for material possessions.

I have always slept alone (Note: I wouldn't normally write this in an application, but I figure in this case you would appreciate that fact.) The point is, neither the prospect of a twin bed, nor the prospect of being its only occupant, is daunting to me.

I don't have many friends, and can't remember the last time I had someone over. I like to play video games, and usually by myself. I am never out past midnight, and though I do stay up until very late at night, I am always silent.

I do like to eat food a lot, but have been strongly advised to go on a diet. So a kitchen that closes at 9:00 pm with no exceptions might be a BLESSING in disguise. (Note: Though not Catholic, I do believe in blessings. Like when my mom wouldn't buy me Apoluxor because it was too violent was actually a BLESSING because when I finally bought the next year they had come out with a better version with more realistic blood.)

I am a very neat person, and never leave my clothes crumpled on the floor. And when putting up my CSI:Miami and Zac Effron posters, I promise to use that sticky putty stuff, even if it means having to re-hang the posters every time someone opens or closes a door, because I know that tape leaves unsightly marks on the walls.

I don't have a job yet, but I have enough money saved up to afford rent until I GET a job. I just need a quiet, safe place to stay for a while, because even though I would never admit it to my overbearing mother, I am a little bit scared of homeless people and taxi drivers and pigeons, and will probably be missing her a lot.

But mostly, I just want to live someplace that isn't down the street from my former elementary school, three blocks over from my former high school, and a 2 minute car-ride from Wetzel's Pretzels.

I am sure that I would be a great addition to your convent. Pax Christi.

What do you guys think??? Is the Pax Christi a bit much? I just want to make sure the nuns know that as a Jew, I still respect their religion. I really need them to let me live with them!!!!

Piously,

Earlene

At least my cat loves.....loveD me...

2009-01-12T12:58:00.000-08:00

Paul was not happy after his bath today.

How to win a guy over an undisclosed period of time

2009-01-09T01:09:00.000-08:00

Step One: Customize your facebook profile for ultimate jealousity.

I hope you guys can see that. Basically, it helps to put up really subtly suggestive statuses ("Earlene is SO MANY DATES SO LITTLE TIME") and get someone to write things on your wall to make your ex jealous ("Early did I just see you in US Weekly with two of the Jonas Brothers? MAKING OUT??").

Also, if possible, send yourself some FACEBOOK gifts so that your ex thinks someone is sending you little cutesy messages not for public consumption.

NOTE: Be sure to make the gift "From Private" or annonymous, to avoid embarrassing Newsfeed items such as this:

Be sure to add a nice and complimentary note, to further arouse your ex boyfriend's suspicions:

Finally, you're gonna wanna RSVP to as many Facebook events as possible, so as to trick your ex into thinking you have a brimming social life.

Don't have any Facebook Invitations? Not a problem. You can click on "Friend's Events", and RSVP to any event that they might have forgotten to include you on!

Helpful Hint: I don't quite understand why so many people have parties when they lose their cellphones or need your number, but these events are frequent and almost always have an open guest list.

Hope this helps!

Earlene

Yeah, I don't have a boyfriend....SO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

2009-01-07T01:02:00.000-08:00

Omg you guys, I am soooooooo much happier now that I am not dating Carl. Like, seriously, my ashram made me realize that I am like, WAY better off without him.

Do you know how much free time I have now that I don't have to spend 24 hours a day in my room waiting for him to come online?

Do you know how tired I was of watching "Full House" i.e. The Only Show That Carl Thought Was Morally Sound Enough To Watch On Television? (And even then, he advised me to change the channel during some of the more suggestive D.J./Steve scenes...)

Do you know how EXHAUSTING it is advertising on craigslist and taking pictures of yourself around town so that your weirdly suspicious boyfriend thinks you have FRIENDS?

Do you know how many fewer PAPERCUTS I have now that I'm not constantly making COLLAGES and INSPIRATION BOARDS for a future wedding??

Do you know how ANNOYING it was to have to don a TURTLENECK and a MASK everytime we video chatted, because Carl didn't want any DISTRACTIONS?

So. Totally. Better. Off.

And, in Completely Unrelated News, Here is a list of people who probably shouldn't have boyfriends/girlfriends, but still do:

1. Kelly Osbourne

2. Donatella Versace

3. The Half-Ton Man

4. Carrot Top

5. My Grandma

Single And Fabulous,

Earlene Watts

Back from my Ashram.

2009-01-06T01:10:00.000-08:00

Hi, guys.

Sorry for the lack of posts. I decided to go on an Ashram to the Desert. An Ashram is where you go to live in peace and tranquility in nature. I really needed some peace and tranquility after my breakup with Carl (his breakup with me???), especially since I had so many huge life decisions to make.

I WANTED to go all the way to the desert in India, except I was afraid of the gastrointestinal ramifications of such a voyage.

So instead I went to IndiO, which in a desert two hours from LA.

I stayed at a Motel Six and it was very tranquil, except for one disturbing altercation that took place in the parking lot at 4 am.

During the day, I would go out into the desert and find a nice spot without any beer cans or bullet shells on the ground, and meditate/read O Magazine about My Best Life.

It was very soothing.

AAAAAANYWAY.

Now I'm back, and I've made a very important decision:

I am GOING TO NEW YORK ANYWAY!

I am going to New York, and I'm going to get a FABULOUS job, and make friends with WHITNEY and OLIVIA PALERMO (As one commenter presciently suggested), and I'll start dating someone named WALTER BOBBY, and then one day I will run into Carl and he'll be like "Wow, Earlene, your life is so much better than mine because since we broke up I lost my job and my hair and four toes from my right foot..." and I'll be like "Whoa, THAT sucks...." and then turn back to Walter Bobby and start making out furiously.

A stupid, quiverful GUY should never stand between a girl and her DREAM.

Resolutely,

E. Watts

New Year's Resolutions

2008-12-30T23:58:00.000-08:00

(Note: I'll go back to writing normal entries about my day-to-day existence when my life stops being so depressing. So, I'm thinking early 2011?)

Also, please note that, because my life is in complete and utter shambles, there are major resolutions that go without saying (i.e. get a job, an apartment, a Wii, and a boyfriend, in that order).

That having been said, for my New Year's resolutions I am going to focus on smaller, more instantly achievable things.

The Resolutions of Early Watts

Make friends with a girl my age who is not a bitch.
Exact painful and humiliating revenge on Carl.
Find the best Mac N'Cheese in America.
Go to the gym at LEAST twice a month.
Put lots of cute facebook pictures up to make Carl jealous.
Prove to my mom that I am not a lesbian.
Conquer my phobia of Gerard Depardieu.
Dye my hair a different color and truly give myself a makeover.
Move to a New City.

And, possibly, depending on how I do with the first 9 items...

10. Find my father.

Chugging a cup of kindness,

Earlene

Another Very Helpful Guide

2008-12-29T12:02:00.000-08:00

Some people are just naturally good at being depressed. They don't have to try hard or think about it too much because it just comes so easily to them.

I am one of those people: being depressed is a God-given talent of mine. And, because depression is so inherent in my nature, I am only too aware of the flaws in other people's depression.

The other day, while I was being shuffled around from After-Christmas Sale to After-Christmas Sale by my mother, I overheard the following conversation:

Girl: I hate the holidays. I've been so depressed.

Other Girl: Well, shopping should make you feel better.

Girl: Yeah. And I think I might go for a run after this. That should help, too.

A run?!?!?!

Oh honey, please.

Clearly, the world needs this:

Earlene's Guide to Dressing, Talking, and Living Like the Depressed Girl You Are Inside

Watch Bridget Jones's Diary incessantly. But never watch past the part where Hugh Grant dumps her, and she's sitting alone in her bath tub crying. That is the real end of the movie: the rest is just Hollywood Dribble.

Don't start anything that might be construed as productive, such as new fitness plans, new creative projects, or new friendships. You know you will fail at this anyway.

If you were recently dumped, the worst thing you could do is to eat a lot of ice cream and dye your hair. Instead, you should call your ex-boyfriend repeatedly, and with steadily increasing frequency. It is helpful to leave a lot of voice mails ("WHYYYYYYYYY??!! WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!") and sometimes vaguely threatening letters. Only when he has threatened to take out a restraining order and told you that he never really even loved you will you be TRULY ready to be properly depressed.

If you happened to have been dumped for another woman, a good Depressed Girl move is to frequently check her myspace and facebook profile to compare yourself to her. (You might have to make fake accounts and friend her under a pseudonym before you'll have full access to her pictures.) Take heart in the fact that even though she is prettier, skinnier, has a joint degree from Juilliard and Columbia, was in the Peace Corps, was awarded "Best Sense of Humor" in high school, and is much, much, much more Quiverful than you are, she will never, ever beat your World of War Craft score.

Dig through your closet. Find the ugly orange class t-shirt you were forced to wear as a sophomore in High School which you forgot to order on time so the only size left was an XXX-L. Wear it. Constantly.

If your pants do not have an elastic waist, then you are not a Real Depressed girl.

Watch the Sound of Music. But stop watching at the part where they are in the graveyard hiding from the Nazis. Imagine alternate depressing endings.

Go into the bathroom and put on no less then 10 coats of mascara. DO NOT TAKE IT OFF FOR AT LEAST FIVE DAYS. Pretty soon, the mascara will smudge all around and your eyes will look like black holes, creating a corporeal allusion to the black hole in your heart.

Go to the Olive Garden (or any other restaurant you ate at with your ex). Imagine him there with the new girlfriend, as she gently wipes the alfredo sauce from his chin. Cry into your macaroni and cheese. Cry harder when the waiter comes over to gently tell you that you're making the other customers uncomfortable.

Stay in bed for at least 36 hours. Put your head under the covers. Sleep restlessly. Wake up. Hazily remember the sad sad state of your life. Moan. Repeat.

Watch "Love Actually". But stop at the Funeral Scene (about 8 minutes into the movie).

Entertain yourself with elaborate fantasies about moving to a new city and starting a brand new and exciting life and meeting Zac Effron and getting married and being known as "ZacEarl"in the media and running into Carl or Bradney or Trey and being like "Hey" and them being like "Damn, Earlene???? You look GOOD, girl!". Then realize that this will never, ever, ever, ever, ever happen to you. Go back to bed.

Walk up to a pregnant lady, touch her belly, look at her sadly and say "Poor thing. So blissfully unaware of the misery that awaits him." Walk away.

Look up "Funeral Dirge" on itunes. Buy them all. Listen constantly.

Honestly, guys, I could go on, and on, and on.

Mournfully,

Earlene

P.S.

Carl,

Dumping someone on Christmas? Not. Very. Quiverful.

Earlene's Guide to The Holidays

2008-12-23T01:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

How many times a day are you accosted by cheery yet ultimately ignorant well-wishers, wishing you "Happy Holidays"? Innumerable, right?

And how many times have you stood there, rooted to the spot, counting off in your head "Ok...there's Christmas....Hanukkah....Chrismukkah.....Kwanza....Kwanzukkah....WHAT ELSE?!"

Oh, there's a lot else, reader. A lot else. Luckily, as in so many occasions before, I will ENLIGHTEN YOU.

Earlene's Guide to The Holidays

Note: Every single one of these Holidays is real. Look it up.

NATIONAL ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD DAY*, December 3rd

This is a day to celebrate not being homeless. It is usually celebrated by creating a meager shelter out of cardboard and newspaper, and then stomping all over it, because you have a house and therefore do not need to sleep there. I'm not sure what homeless people do to celebrate this holiday.

PUT ON YOUR OWN SHOES DAY, December 6th

Sometimes, when pretending to be a British Archeologist, I put on a pair of my Dad's old work boots that he left here. They are great for excavating Egyptian tombs, and measuring distances. Obviously, on December 6th, I have to wear my own shoes, and obviously a British Archeologist doesn't wear New Balance footwear. This is not an especially good Holiday.

TAKE IT IN THE EAR DAY, December 8th

I honestly don't know what this Holiday is about. I think it might be a sarcastic thing your supposed to say all day?

Example: CASHIER: Miss, do you want to take your receipt?

EARLENE: Yeah, I'll take it......IN THE EAR! HAHAHAHHAHAH!

NATIONAL FLASHLIGHT DAY, December 21

Oh guys, this one's soooooo good. You play with flashlights ALL DAY. Like, you go turn off the lights, and you put a flashlight under your chin, and you say "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society...". OR you erect a bedsheet and play SHADOW puppets. Which is pretty fun, except I only know how to make a bunny or a thumbs up sign. OR, you can shine a flashlight from your bedroom into OTHER PEOPLE's BEDROOMS, and they will get very creeped out, and quickly leave their rooms.

NATIONAL BICARBONATE OF SODA DAY, December 30th

A whole day to celebrate baking soda, and believe you me, there is a lot to celebrate. Baking soda eliminates odors. Baking soda relieves itching from the Pox. Baking soda reduces flatulance when cooked in beans. Baking soda can be used as a meat tenderizer. The best way to celebrate National Bicarbonate of Soda Day is to make a HUGE "Volcano", with three entire boxes of baking soda and an entire bottle of vinegar....oh man, it's so, so, so fun. Also, the remnants of your volcano can be spread on crackers and eaten.

RUN UP THE FLAGPOLE AND SEE IF ANYONE SALUTES DAY, January 2

I celebrate this every year. No one ever salutes.

OLD ROCK DAY, January 7th

I usually spend all of January 7th in my driveway, which has a lot of old rocks in it. I celebrate by picking them up, inspecting them, admiring them, and generally being respectful of all the service they have provided for my driveway, despite their old age.

So now, the next time somebody says "Happy Holidays!", you can respond with "And a Happy Take It In The Ear Day to you, too!"

Jovially,

Earlene

My First (and Best) Christmas Present

2008-12-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

Omg, you guys. Guess what I got in the mail from Reader Tara?

Dear Earlene,

I've been reading your blog for a while, and think you're great. I have to say, though, that I think you're giving sharpies a bad rap. Maybe they aren't good for taking notes at Presidential Debates, but they do have their uses. For instance, sharpies can be good for:

Signing autographs
coloring
plastic surgery
decorating the walls of a future New York apartment

I think that secretly, you're just upset that you don't have your own sharpies. So, in honor of your first time celebrating Christmas, I am sending you some.

Best,

Tara

Omg, you guys.

THEY HAVE MY NAME ON THEM. Can I just say I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love my sharpies?

Tara, that was the best Christmas present I have ever received. THANK YOU!

Discovering the meaning of Christmas,

Early

Some Updates

2008-12-18T23:26:00.000-08:00

Since my move to the Big Apple is looming, I have started conditioning myself to life in New York in January.

Steps I Have Taken to Condition Myself to Life in New York in January

Blast the air-conditioning in my room, turn on fans, and eat lots of popsicles to get used to the frigid temperatures.

Here I am, practicing being cold. Notice the winter coat.

Practice using sarcasm, the universal language of New Yorkers. ......NOT!

(No, really, I am. That was just me being sarcastic)

Practice dressing like a hipster.
Yeah, I look soooooo bad in hipster clothing.*

*sarcasm

Practice ordering Indian Takeout at 1 am. Except there isn't any Indian Takeout where I live, so I just drive to El Pollo Loco.

Practice not making eye-contact with anyone.

Practice being really condescending whenever someone mentions they like Sex and the City, or Times Square.

(example: MOM: Early! Sex and the City is on! It's the episode where Miranda dates the--

EARLENE: Wow, Mom, it's like, not 1999 anymore.)

So far, all my practice is going really, really, badly.*

*sarcasm.

What do you guys think? Am I missing anything crucial?

Sarcastically*,

Earlene

*sarcasm. or like, backwards sarcasm, or something.

IIIIIIIIInteresting....

2008-12-17T23:18:00.000-08:00

So most of you guys are voting for the nebulous "All My Lovin", but I *really* like the "California Care Package* idea that some of you posted in the comments. I will definitely be brain storming....

Anyway, I finally got around to posting for a model on craigslist.

If that is too small, here is the link http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/tlg/962370106.html

Hopefully I will get some good responses!!!!!!

Slyly,

Earlene Watts

And because I'm not a scrooge....

2008-12-16T15:03:00.001-08:00

I do want to say thank you to the 4 of you who love me "So Much".

Hmmm....

2008-12-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

Slightly disappointed with the lack of suggestions/comments/votes. Where are you, readers? What, do you all have JOBS or something? Ok, stop bragging.

Anyway.

Gift Ideas for Carl:

Sascha (Earlene) Fierce. Suggested by Jarky. I actually really don't understand what this means. But it makes him want to play baseball? Which, I mean, I'm not sure is the goal of a Christmas Present, I'd rather one that would make him want to kiss me or something.

An Electric Pencil Sharpener. Suggested by Annonymous. I think Carl would like this.

An Ipod Shuffle, loaded with Romantic Songs. Suggested by Jennifer. (Romantic Songs like "You are the Wind Beneath my Wings", and "Achy Breaky Heart" and "You've Got to Pick A Pocket Or Two".

What do you all think?

Generously,

Earlene

P.S. working on a music video......

dreidel, oh dreidel, I made you out of play-dough, and then I ate you.

2008-12-15T11:57:00.000-08:00

This is sort of my first "Christmas" season, since I am jewish. As a jew, I celebrate Hanukah. That means I get eight small presents on eight consecutive nights.

This year, however, I will also sort of be celebrating Christmas, because Carl is Quiver-ful (Christian) and I want to be a good girlfriend. So even though we will be miles apart, I am still going to buy a small Christmas tree for my room, and put some little presents under the tree. (Probably for myself).

This begs the question: What should I get Carl for Christmas?

A sweatshirt with my face on it, which I can have made at the drugstore?
A calendar with my face on it, which I can have made at the drugstore?
A mug with my face on it, which I can have made at the drugstore?
A Clay Aiken C.D. (Do Clay Aiken c.d.s exist?)
Other?

If you guys have any suggestions, write them in the comments. I will take the best reader suggestions, and then make a poll, and have you guys vote.

Oh. CARL, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE STOP READING MY BLOG FOR A FEW DAYS, OR YOU WILL NOT BE SURPRISED BY YOUR PRESENT. THANKS. I LOVE YOU. (YES, I SAID IT AGAIN....ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU DID?) -EARLY

anyway, once i finally told my mom i was moving to new york, she was NOT happy. she says it's crazy for me to go right now when we're about to enter a depression. She says I have no experience and won't possibly be able to compete with all the people who have been laid off and have like ten years of experience. She also says I have no life skills, which, ok, may be true, but on the other hand I've played "The Sims" more than anyone I know, and don't tell me that doesn't count for something.

Why is everyone so down on a girl following her heart?HMMMM, Cynical Readers??

Anyway. Looking forward to your gift ideas.

Piously,

Earlene Watts

Boy Troubles

2008-12-11T23:33:00.000-08:00

I'm having some boy troubles, and by boy troubles, i really mean girl troubles, but I hesitate to say that because I don't need EVERYONE thinking I'm a lesbian, and really it's both boy AND girl troubles.

I'm having PEOPLE troubles.

Basically Carl has started asking me a lot of questions about why I want to video chat 24/7, and what I do for fun besides video chatting, and whether I ever leave my room when we aren't video chatting, or do I just sit in front of the computer and wait for him to come back and then commence video chatting again.

Basically, I need to convince him that I have a life, (even though, just between you and me, I don't.)

I think we can all agree that an easy way to judge someone's social life is to look at their facebook profile. The quality of one's social life is directly proportionate to the amount and frequency of "Photos Tagged by Others" on facebook.

I have seven pictures tagged on facebook. But I also took all the picture of myself with my computer camera, and tagged them in an album called "ME". So they don't really give off the life-of-the-party impression that I'm going for.

I'm sure Carl doesn't want to see pictures of me doing shots, or 30 identical pictures of me and a drunk friend as we try to pose "sexy" which basically means just puckering lips and drooping your eyes til it looks like you have no eyeballs. (He is, after all, full of quivers.)

Still, it would be nice to be able to subtly give him the impression that I do have SOME girl friends (not girlfriends!!!). I mean, he doesn't know that all girls my age are bitches.

So, I think I'm gonna put an ad on craigslist.

Meet a girl, take a few pictures around town, and prove to Carl I'm not some kind of a social outcast loser freak.

Socially,

Earlene

P.S.

2008-12-11T00:16:00.000-08:00

Christmas time is (almost) here.

I would like to do a little thank you to my fans (all 23 of you!) for being so great this year.

I am poor.

I was thinking....I could do a little Christmas Music Video? For you?

yes?

A Conversation with my Mother

2008-12-10T13:25:00.000-08:00

Last night I had decided to break the news to my mom that I am moving to New York. It did not go as planned.

ME (EARLENE): Mom, can we talk?

MOM: Can it wait until the end of "According to Jim"?

ME: This is pretty important.

MOM: Alright, poodle, what is it?

ME: There's something I have to tell you. I've known for a while, but I didn't really want to tell you, because I wasn't sure how you'd react. But I hope you'll understand what I'm about to tell you, and I hope you'll continue to be the supportive parent you've.....sometimes been to me. So, yeah, this is really hard for me, but. Mom, I'm g(oing)---

MOM: GAY.

ME: What?

MOM: You're GAY.

ME: What?

MOM: A lesbian. Sweetie. It's ok.

ME: What?

MOM: I've known for a while, now.

ME: What?

MOM: Well, you've never had a boyfriend. When I tried to set you up with Trey and it didn't work out, I started to worry that you would never find love, but then I realized that maybe you weren't interested in love WITH A MAN.

ME: Mom---no.

MOM: You always talk about this Bradney guy but he's never come over to the house. Sweetie, does Bradney even exist?

ME: Yes!

MOM: You can tell me if you made him up, Early. Momma doesn't judge.

ME: He's real. And I'm not a lesbian.

MOM: When did you stop feeling like you could come to me with your problems?

ME: At birth?

MOM: Violent video games. Your aversion to the Clinique counter. Your hair.

ME: What's wrong with my hair?

MOM: Alright sweetie. If you're not ready to talk about it...

ME: I have a boyfriend.

MOM: Yes. "Carl".....or is it Carla!

ME: *lets out a low groan*

MOM: Carly?

ME: *stops out of the room*

MOM: Was there something else you wanted to talk about?

ME: *slams door*

cannot. wait. to. get. out. of. here.

Heterosexually,

Earlene Watts

DEAR CARL

2008-12-09T17:55:00.001-08:00

I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS.

MY INTERNET BROKE.

THAT IS WHY I CANNOT SKYPE VIDEO CHAT WTIH YOU TONIGHT.

I AM NOT DEAD.

I AM NOT ON A DATE WITH A MORE HANDSOME AND LESS QUIVERFUL MAN.

I AM MERELY STUCK AT HOME WITH MY MOTHER, WHO IS FORCING ME TO SPEND "QUALITY TIME" WITH HER WHILE THE INTERNET IS DOWN.

"QUALITY TIME"=PAINTING HER TOE NAILS AND DECORATING THE CHRISTMAS TREE WITH "PRECIOUS MOMENTS" ORNAMENTS.

SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL.

I LOVE YOU.

(YES, I SAID IT.)

YOURS,
EARLY

I'm sorry, you guys.

2008-12-08T00:59:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, you guys.

I said some things I regret.

I don't think you all work at Merril-Lynch and eat peanut-butter sandwiches and jello cups for lunch.

I think you guys as a group are pretty smart. After all, it was you who helped me decide to take Carl to the Olive Garden, which was definitely the right decision.

I understand that you guys, collectively, have more life experience than I do, singularly.

I like to put polls up because I do genuinely respect your opinions.

Thank you, all.

But.

I don't want to be the type of person

Who lives her life

Based on

A blog.

New York City, here I come.

Defiantly,

Earlene Watts

Ok. Fine. You win.

2008-12-04T23:50:00.001-08:00

I guess I'll stay here.

I guess I'll keep spending the majority of my days in my room, talking to Hiroko and Sven, who A) are about a million miles away, and B) not usually interested in talking about anything but WarCraft.

I guess I'll keep living with my mom, who has gotten to be pretty good at almost masking how disappointed she is in me.

I guess I'll keep pretending I don't see the girls who made fun of me in high school when they walk by me at the mall, pretending not to see me.

I guess I'll keep fruitlessly stalking Bradney, instead of going after the ONE guy who has ever liked me back.

You guys were right, New York isn't for me. You have to be pretty and ambitious to be successful in New York. You have to have stamina. You have be determined to make something out of yourself. You have to believe you're worth something to survive in a city that rough. It was stupid of me to think I'd even last a minute there.

Staying at home is much safer. At least I won't get hurt here, right?

I know you guys are only looking out for me. You want what's best for me. And staying home is best.

Defeated,

Earlene

So you can't vote twice...

2008-12-04T15:06:00.000-08:00

but you can CHANGE your vote! Everyone needs to CHANGE their vote to GO TO NEW YORK.

ok.....

2008-12-04T12:03:00.000-08:00

this is ridiculous. I am starting to suspect people are going back and voting No multiple times to be annoying.

Hmmph.

2008-12-04T00:49:00.000-08:00

I am mad at you guys.

oh COME on!!!!!

2008-12-03T10:20:00.000-08:00

Stay home is WINNING?!?!

I didn't know my readers were all so BORING!

You guys probably all work someplace really BORING, like MERRIL-LYNCH, or ALL STATE AUTOMOTIVE INSURANCE.

and you probably drink CHAMOMILE TEA.

and you probably eat LEAN CUISINES FOR DINNER, but NOT THE MAC'N'CHEESE one, the really lame SALISBURY STEAK one.

and you probably watch NOVA, or C-SPAN.

and you probably like talking about thinks such as PENCILS and THAT REALLY CRAZY DREAM YOU HAD LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE A GERBIL.

in fact, I bet you OWN A COUPLE GERBILS.

and your favorite book is THE DICTIONARY.

and you DEFINITELY don't understand what it's like to have a DREAM, what it's like to pack up and move to new york and GO FOR IT, do you, you nay-saying-stay-at-home-don't-go readers?

Disappointed,

Earlene

clarifications

2008-12-03T00:54:00.000-08:00

of COURSE I wouldn't be moving in with Carl. Remember? He is quiverful?

But being in New York would mean Carl and I could go to The Olive Garden, or Outback Steakhouse, or even Red Lobster whenever we wanted.

Carl and I have been video chatting every night. It's sort of fun for the first few hours, but after a while we run out of things to say. So then we sort of stop talking but have the video chat thing on while we do other things, like play video games (me), listen to Celine Dion songs (Carl), and clip our fingernails (both of us, on separate occasions.)

If we lived in the same city, it would be nice to silently clip our fingernails in person.

And I do not know what I would do for a job. But i know a lot of people are getting laid off on Wall Street, so there should be a lot of positions opening up.

Confidently,

Earlene

A big decision

2008-12-01T22:24:00.000-08:00

You know how in cinema, the main protagonist will often have an emotional breakdown that coincides with going home for a period of time? And spending time with family will prompt the to seriously re-evaluate their life, like in "13 Going on 30" when Jennifer Garner goes home to her Mom and Dad and scrutinizes the life choices that have led her to be rich and successful but ultimately empty on the inside?

I kind of had a moment like that.

Of course, I am not rich, or successful, and IMHO (that means In My Humble Opinion.) am very beautiful on the inside. Still, I had a similar bout of introspection while celebrating Thanksgiving at Grandmas. The food-induced coma that followed my four plates of stuffing and mashed potatoes (gotta carb-load if you're not eating turkey), I realized some hard truths about my life:

HARD TRUTHS ABOUT MY LIFE

I do not have a job, and therefore not a lot of money to spend on things like video games and clothes and pie.
And I did look for a job. But we live in hard times.
(Just so you don't think I'm lazy or anything)
Also, I have few social commitments here. Trey doesn't return my calls, and I don't think it's good for Bradney and I to see each other, as it would be too painful now that I have moved on. Which leave Paul, who is flexible.
The best part of my life is Carl. Who is far away.
My mom is secretly trying to ruin my life.

So I was complaining about all of this to Carl, and he said seven words that might just change my life:

"Well, why don't you just come here?"

And so I thought about it, and, really, what's stopping me from going to New York? There is nothing holding me here!

I know it seems like it's too early to just up and move across the country to be with Carl. But...

don't you think it's about time I got a life?

I'm posting a new poll. Please vote, and leave any advice you have for me!

Hoping to make it after all,

Earlene

No Posts

2008-12-01T06:54:00.000-08:00

Spilled gravy all over my computer while eating leftovers. I am such a MacGenuis.....NOT. (hahahahhhahaha LMAO ROFL)

Anyway.

New Post tonight, after my keyboard dries out.

(PS: No turkeys died during the making of this gravy. My mom used Chicken, don't worry)

BOYCOTT THANKSGIVING

2008-11-26T22:48:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is a completely immoral Holiday. It's all about celebrating togetherness, and being thankful for what we have, while completely ignoring the fact that MILLIONS suffered a terrible fate so that we can eat our Thanksgiving meals all across America.

That's right, I'm talking about TURKEYS.

The Turkey is a noble and magnificent creature. Here are some facts about TURKEYS:

The top of its beak is called a SNOOD
Large domesticated turkeys are unable to fly. Because they are so fat because people want to EAT them.
Benjamin Franklin thought a Turkey should be our Nation's symbol instead of an eagle, because a turkey is COURAGEOUS.
The Turkey makes a cuddly and loyal pet: Tad Lincoln kept one in the White House while his dad was president.

The way Turkeys are treated in this country in this day and age is SHAMEFUL.

So, please, readers, before you bite into your turkey this Thanksgiving, remember THIS image:

Be a good American, and have some Kung Pao Chicken instead!!!!

Emphatically,

Earlene Watts

The Official Carl Baseball Metaphor Of Hooking Up

2008-11-24T22:53:00.000-08:00

FIRST BASE: A handshake lasting 3 seconds or less.

SECOND BASE: A handshake lasting more than three seconds, with lingering eye contact.

Extra points: THUMB ACTION, i.e. thumbs caressing

THIRD BASE: A standing hug, like on the street, saying hello or goodbye.

HOMERUN, i.e. ALL THE WAY, i.e. THE WHOLE NINE YARDS, i.e. GRAND SLAM: A SEATED hug. Like on a couch. Or bed.

That's about accurate, right?

-E-Rod

It's a many SPELNDORED THIING

2008-11-23T22:59:00.000-08:00

11/21/08

TO: Earlene (Earleney@gmail.com)

FROM: Carl (Redacted)

SUBJECT: Just a little something to brighten your day....

I saw this and thought of you.....

Yours truly,

Carl

Siiiiiiiigh. Isn't Carl sweet? He is the perfect boyfriend. I miss him so much. Even though I have only met him once. I also really want to kiss him. Even though that is against his religion.

Here is something I have been grappling with:

Carl doesn't kiss, right? And he definitely doesn't do other things, right? But after our date, he gave me a firm handshake, right? So, technically, in Carl-terms, I've gotten to like, third base, right?

I must develop a Carl Baseball Metaphor Scale ASAP.

Industriously,

Earlene

My date with CARL

2008-11-20T20:03:00.001-08:00

Well you guys were really no help at all in determining whether I should go to Olive Garden or Rockerfeller Center. I went to The Center before meeting up with Carl to scope it out. It looked like fun, but not terribly romantic.

Also, New York is nothing if not the city of Billy Joel, and I know he would have wanted me to go to an Italian Restaurant.

So in the end, I told Carl to meet me at.....

THE OLIVE GARDEN!!!!

I was really nervous before my date. Blind dates are the WORST because you don't actually know if you will get along with the person, or if you will be attracted to them. Blind dates just usually never work out, which is especially frustrating because those are the only types of dates I've ever been on.

Luckily, I was immediately attracted to Carl.

Carl knew who I was immediately, because he had seen my Music Video on youtube. (He told me I look even better in person!!)

I asked Carl if he minded my choice of restaurants, but he said it was perfect because most restaurants in New York are really intimidating and the waiters get mad at you if you can't pronounce "bruschetta", but at The Olive Garden, you're family.

Carl just moved here from Tulsa, and he says that's the biggest adjustment to NYC: NOTHING is actually pronounced like you think it should be. Examples:

Houston Street is pronounced HOUSE-ton street.
Au Bon Pain is "Oh bone pan", not "Ow!! Bone pain!!" (I thought it was an orthopedic clinic)
Lexington is pronounced Lexington. That one is kind of the same...except one of the cab drivers I had kept saying it and I kept thinking he said "53rd and Mexican".

ANYWAY.

After our meal, (I had Mac'N'Cheese and breadsticks for me, plain pasta with no sauce for Carl), I wasn't ready to to call it a night. Luckily, neither was Carl, and he suggested we walk around Times Square.

Times Square is definitely the CRAZIEST place in the world, and we saw lots of exciting things. Like:

A Billboard for Madagascar 2!!!!

The Statue of Liberty!!

Toys'R'Us!

Times Square is also the theater capital of the world. There are so many great shows playing there. Carl said we should go to one the next time I am in New York.

Carl loves Clay Aiken

Harry Potter

Carl is really excited to see Liza At The Palace

Another cool thing that we saw in Times Square was a Two Headed Goat.

You can't tell from this picture that it is a two headed goat. But it was.

After a while, it was getting really cold in Times Square, so we decided to call it a night. I was a little nervous about saying goodbye: would Carl go in for a good night kiss?! And what if I was not a good kisser? I really liked Carl, and didn't want to scare him off with a horrible kiss.

I needn't have worried. Carl seemed to be able to read my thoughts, (also, he may have noticed that my eyes were closed and my lips puckered) because he explained to me that he is Quiverfull-Minded, which means he does not believe in kissing before marriage. This is a little disappointing, but nothing we can't work on.

Carl gave me a firm handshake goodbye, and we promised to email each other. It was definitely my best date ever.

Later that night I looked up "Quiverfull" on wikipedia. I am not sure I am ready to have 19 children, so I guess it is good that Carl lives in New York. Besides that, it is a huge bummer, because we have something special.

I guess we'll just try to keep in touch long distance and see how things go....

A little bit in love,

Earlene

Carl Talk

2008-11-19T22:18:00.001-08:00

CARL IS TALL

I AM NOT.

Meet Carl.

2008-11-19T16:39:00.000-08:00

This is Carl. We are toasting hot dogs. (As in "Cheers". Not as in sitting around a campfire, literally toasting them.)

Facts About Carl

He is tall
He likes everything
Including me.

My date with Carl was really really fun. But I don't know if i should go into all the details...I don't want to annoy all my readers who haven't yet found love.

But....you know, if you WANT to hear more about him....I GUESS I could post some more pictures from our date...........

And one more:

2008-11-18T16:39:00.000-08:00

Fact: New York City IS the most romantic city in the world. And dreams really do come true.

Some Trivia

2008-11-18T16:26:00.000-08:00

FACT: It is hard to maintain a blog while on vacation.

FACT: "Scores" is not a sports bar. I learned that the hard way. Thanks, Annonymous Commentator, that was a VERY helpful date suggestion.

FACT: CATS, The Musical, is no longer playing on Broadway.

FACT: DUCK-BILLED PLATYPUSES, The Musical, is a really great idea for a musical.

FACT: Re-enacting John Lennon's assasination at the Dakota, even while meant as a tasteful and poignant tribute, is not generally appreciated.

FACT: New York Hotdogs are, in fact, delicious.

FACT: The NYPD does, in fact, take bomb threats seriously. (I tested this out to make sure.)

FACT: Even though you might be excited upon seeing a real-life Hipster, they often don't react well to being asked to take a picture with you.

I fly home tomorrow. Can't wait to update with pictures and finally tell you about the C-Man!!!

-Earlene

New York, I Love You But You're Getting My Hair Wet

2008-11-17T05:07:00.001-08:00

I want to tell you about my date last night, but it is my penultimate day in N.Y.C. City, and I still have SO much to see. Like: Magnolia Cupcake Factory. Like: The Statue of Liberty. Like: Crumbs Cupcake Factory. Like: A Puerto Rican person. (I LOVE West Side Story.)

In the meantime, here are a few pictures of my trip so far:

A Hot Dog.

RockerFeller Centre

Central Park In Fall

In Which I Purchase Coffee In Order To Keep My Cheek Warm

Radio City Music Hall

(I told you my hair gets crazy in humidity.)

Signing out from The Big Apple,

E.Watts

what do I do what do i do??

2008-11-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

My date is TOMORROW NIGHT and i still don't know where we should go!!!!!!

On the one hand, The Olive Garden is always romantic.

But on the other hand, I can go to an Olive Garden ANYWHERE.

But then again, last time I went ice skating I fell and ended up falling and hurting myself and sitting in the middle of the skating rink for like twenty minutes until they cleared the rink and came to pick me up on the Zamboni Machine. And I really want to make a good first impression!!

Also, I am nervous because of the weather. I am one of those girls who is lucky to have hair that pretty much always looks good.....unless it rains. If it rains, my hair goes crazy, and I really can't afford to look bad tomorrow.

In other news: I bought a bunch of "I (Heart) New York" clothing so that I would fit in while I'm here. But I've only seen one other person wearing a New York t-shirt. (See previous entry re:man falling asleep in his own vomit.)

Also, there is a Rice Pudding Bar here, and it is very very good. I've already been three times.

gahhhhh nervous about tomorrow!!!!!

-Early

omg a TIE?!?!

2008-11-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

Way to be undecisive, guys. NOW where should I go on my date???

Take 2.

2008-11-14T08:12:00.000-08:00

So last night I decided to do some exploring of New York City. Unfortunately, I got really really lost and spent the evening in the subway.

Despite what you may have heard in a song, taking the A Train is NOT the best way to find that Old New York is rather pretty. Also, I don't think that to "take your baby subway riding" is a very good idea, unless your baby likes sitting across from men who have fallen asleep in their own vomit.

Also, I did not see the Olsen Twins, OR Harry Potter on the subway.

Also, New York is the City that Never Sleeps....except for hot dog vendors. They go to bed early and bring their hotdogs with them.

Today I am staying out of the subway, even though it is raining. (My camera is out of batteries. I will recharge and then take pictures.)

Not totally discouraged yet,
Early

UPDATE

2008-11-13T16:05:00.000-08:00

I am here. In New York.

My plane did not crash!!!!!!!!!

I watched "Man Vs.Wild" the entire time!!!!!!!

I now have the skillz to survive in the Saharan desert!!!!

I asked for extra snacks and the flight waitress gave it to me!!!!!!

Now, out to find some grub....

Stay tuned.....

Early

New poll!

2008-11-12T23:56:00.001-08:00

I arrive in New York TODAY!!!!!!!!!

Where do you think I should go on my hot date? I have compiled a list of romantic New York locations. Please vote on the left.

Hope my plane doesn't crash!

--E

MOOOOOOOON RIVER!!!!!!

2008-11-11T23:22:00.000-08:00

Ok so the exciting thing is that I have a DATE in New York this weekend. A real life earnest to goodness BLIND DATE that one of my readers set me up with. Here is the email:

FROM: (redacted)

TO: earleney@gmail.com

Dear Earlene,

I love your blog and read it every day. Your musings on the debates were the best part of the 2008 election, and your Halloween costume was the funniest thing I've ever seen, (besides the part of the music video when you steal that guy's chip). You really deserve a boyfriend who can appreciate your uniqueness.

When I heard you were coming to New York I got really excited, because I have the PERFECT guy for you. His name is Carl, he is 23, and he just got out of a bad relationship (her only interests were complaining about immigrants and watching Gossip Girl). I'd LOVE to set something up for you two while you're here!

If you don't want to, no hard feelings. Just let me know.

All my Earlove,

(Redacted)

So I wrote back:

Dear (Redacted),

Does he have a pulse? Does he like mac'n'cheese? If the answer to one or more of these questions is yes, then I would love to meet him.

Best,

Early

AHHHHHHH I HAVE A REAL LIFE EXCITING ROMANTIC NEW YORK DATE!!!!

Guys, you don't UNDERSTAND. These things don't happen to Earlene Watts. I am so excited!

And now,

A haiku

Pictures on Facebook

Like deer on a game reserve

Are there to be stalked.

-E

Cooking with Earlene!

2008-11-10T21:26:00.001-08:00

My bad habit of eating Arby's three times a day (Lunch, Dinner, Snack) was getting expensive, and since I don't have a job yet (more on that later :-/) I decided to rely on what I think I can safely call my over-par cooking skills.

I realized that it would be really nice of me to share some of my Tipz with you guys, so you too can enjoy a delicious home cooked meal!

INGREDIENTS

A good cook can whip up a meal out of anything in their fridge. Here is what was in my fridge:

And
Meat.

STEP ONE

In a mixing bowl, mix together the ground meat products and ricotta cheese. Then put it in a pan. Place pan in the Microwave for 20 minutes. (Meaning COOK it for twenty minutes...don't just PLACE it there and expect something to happen)

STEP TWO

Take your concoction out of the microwave.

STEP 3

There might be like, a bunch of watery stuff in the pan. Pour that out. It should look kind of like this.

STEP FOUR

Any chef knows that innovation and spontaneity is the key to a great dish. My meat/cheese thing would have been good left alone, but I decided to add something a little special.....

BACON!

STEP FIVE

Broil it until the Bacon is perfectly cooked.

STEP SIX

ENJOY!!!!!!!!!

Warmly,

Earlene Batali

I can see paradiiiise by the DASH BOARD LIGHT!

2008-11-10T01:26:00.000-08:00

5 Things that are Very Annoying about The Gym

1. Often, I am the only one who sings along during Spin class. (I always try to sing along, even if it requires me to pedal consistently slower than the rest of the class for the sake of better breath support)

2. Often, all the elliptical machines are full of girls who are hardly even working out. So then I have to wait for some girl to finish reading her article about Zac Effron or whatever before I can use the machine.

3. Often, said girls are really touchy and get mad, even if you are doing something as innocuous as politely and silently standing in front of their machine, watching them as I wait for them to finish.

4. Often, guys really don't like it if you go into the weight room and lie down on a free bench to take a little nap after working out so hard.

5. Often, people act like they've never seen a person bounce on the big plastic inflatable bouncy balls before. IT'S WHAT THEY'RE THERE FOR, PEOPLE!

ugh, are you proud of me for going to the gym, guys? Because I really hate it.

Bothered, but buffer,

Earlene

DUN dun da-da dun, DUN dun da-da dun....

2008-11-06T23:44:00.000-08:00

Start spreading the news.............

I'm leaving next Thursday........

I wanna BE A PART OF IT! New York, New York!!!!

These New Balance shoooooes

Are longing to strayyyyyy

Right to the very heart of it! New York, New York!!!!

I am very very very very very excited to be going to New York next week. I have never been to New York before but I feel like it's my kind of town because there is a lot to do there and I like hot dogs.

I am already starting to work out my Itinerary. I arrive Thursday night. I am staying in Times Square, the cultural center of New York City. I am gonna try to make reservations for TGI Fridays that night.

My main goal in New York is to see famous people. Every time I open a magazine there are pictures of famous people walking around New York City. It is basically like a zoo for famous people. If I see a famous person I will ask to take a picture with them.

Here are celebrities I could possibly see and take a picture with:

1. Donald Trump

2.Ashley Olsen, star of "When in Rome" and "Holiday in the Sun"

3. Harry Potter

4. Mary-Kate Olsen, star of "Winning London" and "Getting There"

5. Suri Cruise.

Who am I leaving out?

On the prowl,

Earlene

Sweat.

2008-11-05T22:51:00.000-08:00

Jen and Corey are awesome because they ran the New York Marathon. And also they are awesome because after running the New York Marathon, they took a picture to send to me to express their Earlove.

I am flattered, and very impressed. The New York Marathon is not easy, despite the fact that minor celebrities do it. Jen and Corey have inspired me to begin intense training so that I, too, can complete a marathon.

I started today. I was a little nervous, because I haven't been to the gym since taking P.E. But as soon as I got onto the ellpitical I felt right at home.

Things got a little trickier once I turned the machine on.....

But I got the hang of it pretty quickly. Before I knew it, I was moving my arms and legs in ellpitical motions quicker than I ever thought possible. I really feel like I got an intense workout. I was totally wiped out afterwards.

My next goal is to make it on the elliptical for over 10 minutes.

But for now, I think I'll concentrate on strength training...

Out of Breath,

Earlene

P.S. I have some exciting news: I have a JOB INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! details to come!

Nov. 4th

2008-11-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

I voted.

Yeah, I voted. JEALOUS?!?!

2008-11-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

So, I wasn't really going to vote, until someone told me that you get a ton of FREE STUFF if you do, like from Starbucks and Ben and Jerry's, and best of all, KRISPY KREME DONUTS!!!!

So I decided that I should probably vote early, so that I don't have to waste a lot of time on Tuesday and can cover all the Starbucks, Ben and Jerry's, and Krispy Kreme Donuts in my area. (31 Locations, total, that I'm planning to cover. I will need to get an early start.)

Voting early was a big pain, and I totally deserve all 12 free donuts I plan to eat Tuesday, because I had to wait in line for SEVEN HOURS. (ok, four hours. but still.)

Standing in line for so long is kind of like being on a really long plane ride, because you are next to the same people for a really long period of time. Most people hate talking to people sitting next to them on a plane, but I think it's more awkward to not say anything, so I broke the awkward silence by using one of my favorite ice breaker questions.

ME: Do you like monkeys?

Guy Reading Book: Pardon?

ME: Do you like monkeys?

Guy Reading Book: Do I like monkeys?

*I nod expectantly*

Guy Reading Book: Is that what you're asking me, whether or not I like monkeys?

ME: Yeah.

Guy Reading Book: Yeah, I like monkeys, sure.

ME: Ok.

*Guy goes back to reading.*

ME: Do you like Ostriches?

And so on and so forth, until the guy remembered he had left his oven on and decided to vote on Tuesday after all.

I am not going to tell you who I voted for, because that is private, and I do not want to sway any voters who may be swayed by the commentary of me.

But I think it's no secret that I am not a fan of Sharpie Diplomacy.

(As for all the propositions and stuff, I basically used the same strategy I used when filling out scantron forms on the SAT....create a pretty pattern of dots and stick with it.)

I wonder if GameStop is giving away discounts to people who voted? That would be GREAT.

Patriotically,

Earlene Watts

My Halloween Costume!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-30T23:56:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Despite all the polling, I wasn't too happy with my Halloween costume options. I did a couple prototype Platypus costumes (with leotards, flipper, etc....), but it didn't really look like anything. I knew I could come up with something better.

At first I was thinking that I should be Frankenstein, cause that's pretty Halloween-y. But then I realized that there is a much, much cooler -Stein, and that if I was going to be any -Stein at all, I should be.........

(Drumroll.....)

EINSTEIN!!!!!!

Here are some interesting facts I learned about Einstein on Wikipedia:

1. He married his first wife, even though she was thought to be too old and physically defective.

2. They had a daughter, Lieserl, born in 1902. Her fate is unknown...

3.He divorced his first wife and married his maternal first cousin, Elsa.

4.He died of internal bleeding caused by an aortic aneurysm.

5. He was a famous scientist.

Here is a video of me as Albert Einstein!!!!!!!!!!!:

I call it EARLSTEIN, THE MOVIE.

I have loved EINSTEIN ever since i can remember, because he is smart, he was really good in that Meg Ryan movie I.Q., and he clearly has a great sense of humor, as evidenced in this picture:

Yes, Albert Einstein is basically the best, and I am definitely going to enjoy being him this Halloween.

So here's to you, Albert Einstein! I will eat a few The Three Muskateers Bars in your honor!

In-GENIUS-ly yours,

Earlstein Watts

What Should Paul be for Halloween?

2008-10-30T12:28:00.001-07:00

Any suggestions?

Right now, i'm thinking it would be fun to make him an elephant, but i'm not sure he'd keep the snout on for very long.

My Mom beefed up my resume :-/

2008-10-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

When I told her I don't actually have any pet care experience. She told me Neopets count.

:-/

A Haiku (BITE ME, annonymous haiku hating commentor!)

2008-10-30T00:46:00.001-07:00

Reached a conclusion, guys.

A Haiku

If you want a job

Or if you want a boyfriend

Don't look on Craigslist.

Resigned,

E.E. Watts

They Earlove me! They really Earlove me!

2008-10-29T18:35:00.001-07:00

Guess what I got in the mail today?!?!?!

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it. I love love love love LOVE it. Even though it is pink. (my favorite hue is Burnt Sienna, which is a lovely mix of my two favorite colors, orange and brown.)

I especially love that Bradney was also included in the collage. Although I suppose somebody besides him added that thought bubble. (but just in case he actually thought that: you can have my earlovin anytime, B)

It is nice to know that even though I don't have many friends where I live (four, if you count Ish, My Mom, Trey, and my cat Paul), I have friends out there in the cyber world.

Warmed,

Early

P.S. this was really great guys....anyone else want to send me their picture? I'll post it!

Have you ever considered the exciting world of secretarial administration?

2008-10-29T00:14:00.000-07:00

....yeah. me neither.

My mom made an appointment for me to see a Career Counselor. The career counselor said to make up a list of career goals. I told her i didn't have any. She told me to write down the things I wanted to be when I grew up, and that she would help me develop those interests into a fulfilling career path.

FIVE THINGS I WANTED TO BE WHEN I GREW UP

1. A ballerina, because the arches of my feet have abnormal hypersupination, meaning i wouldn't even need pointe shoes.

2. An aquanaut

3. The President of the United States (this one i'm actually still considering.)

4. Mrs.Guggandler my next door neighbor from when I was seven until I was thirteen but only before she tripped on the stairs going up to her porch and hit her head on the birdfeeder.

5. An ear, nose and throat doctor so i could self-diagnose better.

So yeah, I'll be very interested to see what this Career Counselor comes up with for me.

Skeptically,

Earlene

This is harder than I thought.

2008-10-27T23:18:00.000-07:00

DID YOU KNOW.....

That there are actually few jobs on craigslist for the inexperienced young worker in her early 20s, besides being an egg donor for a "loving couple"?

Ugh, today has been rough, guys, it's been really rough. First of all, Mom woke me up at 10:30 am (!!!!!!!!) to remind me to work on my resume. So I did, and twenty minutes later, I had this:

Can you guys read that? Is it too small? Well, whatever, you get the gist.

I spent the rest of my day sending my resume out to jobs that seemed appropriate, including being a companion for an elderly woman in a nursery home, and dog walking. Though I'm not feeling too confident about either of those options, because old people tend to hate me, and I tend to hate dogs.

The ONE really COOL COOL COOL job that I came across on craigslist was a job to be a PLAINCLOTHES STORE DETECTIVE, NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY, WILL TRAIN. Doesn't that sound great? Imagine me, Earlene Watts, working undercover at Wet Seal or something and catching all the robbers! Do you think I would get a badge? What about a gun?

Anyway I really hope that comes through for me.

Otherwise, I wonder if mom would let being a surrogate count as having a job....

Pensively,

Earlene

I can't even believe it.

2008-10-26T23:22:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of posts this weekend.

My mom, out of nowhere, bursts into my room and tells me that I have to get a job. And I think "no big deal, she's said that before."

But then she said that if I don't have a job, or at least the prospect of a job by the end of the week SHE IS KICKING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.

what?!?!?!

She says it's "out of love" that she is doing this. Uh-huh. Right. When I tell her she's dressing much too young for a woman of her age, now that, that is out of love. This is just heartless.

I don't even think she'd actually go through with it. She would totally never go through with it.

asdlghalsdgjadklghakdsjglhaskdjghaksdjghsakdjghksjdaghdkljahgksljhdgaksldghaklsgahsd.

Doesn't she know that our economy is failing? That people who actually went to business school are now working at Hot Dog on a stick?

The only place that I would possibly ever want to work is Game Stop, and they aren't hiring.

Mom suggested I apply at Ann Taylor Loft. Bite me.

whatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoido.

blerrrghhhhhhhhh i'm going to have to make a resume.

This is the absolute worst thing that has ever, EVER happened to me.

P.S.

2008-10-23T23:49:00.000-07:00

One more thing....

It really irks me when John McCain goes ON and ON about how he isn't President Bush, how he has no intention of continuing George Bush's policies, how he doesn't want to be associated with him.

And yet.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2006/09/17/bush-gives-personalized-_n_29648.html

GEORGE BUSH ALSO IRRATIONALLY USES SHARPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even worse, in what can only be described as a dicatorial and oppressive maneuver, he gives PERSONALIZED SHARPIES to his staff as gift, a practice one can only assume John McCain will continue.

Let's END this unfortunate era in American Penmanship!

Patriotically,

Earlene

So funny, I forgot to Laugh.

2008-10-23T23:23:00.001-07:00

Ish sent me a link to a video today. He said it was soooooooooooooooo hilarious.

ISHMAN95: Also, you should record yourself watching it with your computer camera.

QUEENEARLENE: no.

QUEENEARLENE: y wud I?

ISHMAN95: Just do it.

QUEENEARLENE: ok

Needless to say, I didn't find it that funny.

Disgruntled,

Earlene

No, I'm sorry, unless you're a government, you don't get a LAW

2008-10-22T23:25:00.001-07:00

I am a pretty easy going chick. Calm. Rational. It isn't easy to upset me. But the things that upset me make me REALLY angry.

And one thing that that really bothers me, even more than the fact that John McCain is seemingly incapable of writing with something other than what is essentially a marker, is MAN LAW.

Have you guys seen this, or heard of this? Ugh! Ish has gotten really into this lately. Like at Sunday Dinner, he let out this disgusting belch. And when my aunt yelled at him, he leaned back in his chair and said "A Burp is a Compliment to the Chef. MAN LAW." Shove it, Ish, unless you call it "unattractive pre-pubescent boy law", it doesn't really apply to you!

Anyway.

If MEN can have annoying LAWS in order to rationalize all their erratic, rude, selfish, disgusting behavior, then SO CAN I!

presenting

EARLENE LAW

1. If you do not SPECIFICALLY CLAIM YOUR FOOD, by saying "This sandwich on my plate is mine, and I intend to eat it." then it is FAIR GAME for other people to eat. EARLENE LAW.

2. If you are careless with your home address, and put it on facebook, then it is fair game to look up this address on google map and go to street view and memorize what your house looks like and imagine you in it. EARLENE LAW.

3. If you go to an All-You-Can-Eat Brunch Buffet, such as Souplantation or Country Town Home Cooking Buffet or something, you might as well stay as long as possible and get two meals out of it. EARLENE LAW.

4. If we have ANY facebook friends in common whatsoever, then we should probably be facebook friends. EARLENE LAW.

5. If a guy invites you to meet him at an appointed time to see a movie or eat dinner, it is a date. If you just "happen" to run into him at a movie or while he's eating dinner or at his work, it is still a date. EARLENE LAW.

Any other Earlene laws I should add?

Yours,

Early

Destiny? Yes!

2008-10-21T23:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I wrote on Bradney's facebook wall:

Afterwards, in a flash of self-doubt, I worried that Bradney might find that creepy. So imagine my intense joy and relief when he wrote back:

That is the single nicest thing that Bradney has ever, ever said to me. I felt giddy for the rest of the day. There is absolutely NO BETTER FEELING IN THE WORLD than when your crush totally gets you, and says as much. I mean, he didn't have to say anything so sweet, you know? He could have just ignored the wall-post like he usually does. I'm so happy that I randomly saw that quote on a website yesterday. I didn't even know it was from the band Phish!!!! I've never actually heard any of their songs, BUT!

But.

Phish food (Phish Phood?) is totally my favorite ice cream flavor. Which means that Bradney and I are soul mates.

So happy,

Earlene

(PS Happy Birthday Nathalie. I will eat a few cupcakes in your honor.)