My Halloween Costume!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Despite all the polling, I wasn't too happy with my Halloween costume options. I did a couple prototype Platypus costumes (with leotards, flipper, etc....), but it didn't really look like anything. I knew I could come up with something better.

At first I was thinking that I should be Frankenstein, cause that's pretty Halloween-y. But then I realized that there is a much, much cooler  -Stein, and that if I was going to be any -Stein at all, I should be.........

(Drumroll.....)

EINSTEIN!!!!!!

Here are some interesting facts I learned about Einstein on Wikipedia:

1. He married his first wife, even though she was thought to be too old and physically defective.

2. They had a daughter, Lieserl, born in 1902. Her fate is unknown...

3.He divorced his first wife and married his maternal first cousin, Elsa.

4.He died of internal bleeding caused by an aortic aneurysm.

5. He was a famous scientist.

Here is a video of me as Albert Einstein!!!!!!!!!!!:

I call it EARLSTEIN, THE MOVIE.

I have loved EINSTEIN ever since i can remember, because he is smart, he was really good in that Meg Ryan movie I.Q., and he clearly has a great sense of humor, as evidenced in this picture:

Yes, Albert Einstein is basically the best, and I am definitely going to enjoy being him this Halloween.

So here's to you, Albert Einstein! I will eat a few The Three Muskateers Bars in your honor!

In-GENIUS-ly yours,

Earlstein Watts

What Should Paul be for Halloween?

Any suggestions?

Right now, i'm thinking it would be fun to make him an elephant, but i'm not sure he'd keep the snout on for very long. 

My Mom beefed up my resume :-/

When I told her I don't actually have any pet care experience. She told me Neopets count.

:-/

A Haiku (BITE ME, annonymous haiku hating commentor!)

Reached a conclusion, guys.

A Haiku

If you want a job

Or if you want a boyfriend

Don't look on Craigslist.

Resigned,

E.E. Watts

They Earlove me! They really Earlove me!

Guess what I got in the mail today?!?!?!

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it. I love love love love LOVE it. Even though it is pink. (my favorite hue is Burnt Sienna, which is a lovely mix of my two favorite colors, orange and brown.)

I especially love that Bradney was also included in the collage. Although I suppose somebody besides him added that thought bubble. (but just in case he actually thought that: you can have my earlovin anytime, B) 

It is nice to know that even though I don't have many friends where I live (four, if you count Ish, My Mom, Trey, and my cat Paul), I have friends out there in the cyber world.

Warmed,

Early

P.S. this was really great guys....anyone else want to send me their picture? I'll post it!

Have you ever considered the exciting world of secretarial administration?

....yeah. me neither. 

My mom made an appointment for me to see a Career Counselor. The career counselor said to make up a list of career goals. I told her i didn't have any. She told me to write down the things I wanted to be when I grew up, and that she would help me develop those interests into a fulfilling career path.

FIVE THINGS I WANTED TO BE WHEN I GREW UP

1. A ballerina, because the arches of my feet have abnormal hypersupination, meaning i wouldn't even need pointe shoes.

2. An aquanaut 

3. The President of the United States (this one i'm actually still considering.)

4. Mrs.Guggandler my next door neighbor from when I was seven until I was thirteen but only before she tripped on the stairs going up to her porch and hit her head on the birdfeeder.

5. An ear, nose and throat doctor so i could self-diagnose better.

So yeah, I'll be very interested to see what this Career Counselor comes up with for me. 

Skeptically,

Earlene

This is harder than I thought.

DID YOU KNOW.....

                         That there are actually few jobs on craigslist for the inexperienced young worker in her early 20s, besides being an egg donor for a "loving couple"?

Ugh, today has been rough, guys, it's been really rough. First of all, Mom woke me up at 10:30 am (!!!!!!!!) to remind me to work on my resume. So I did, and twenty minutes later, I had this:

Can you guys read that? Is it too small? Well, whatever, you get the gist.

I spent the rest of my day sending my resume out to jobs that seemed appropriate, including being a companion for an elderly woman in a nursery home, and dog walking. Though I'm not feeling too confident about either of those options, because old people tend to hate me, and I tend to hate dogs.

The ONE really COOL COOL COOL job that I came across on craigslist was a job to be a PLAINCLOTHES STORE DETECTIVE, NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY, WILL TRAIN. Doesn't that sound great? Imagine me, Earlene Watts, working undercover at Wet Seal or something and catching all the robbers! Do you think I would get a badge? What about a gun?

Anyway I really hope that comes through for me.

Otherwise, I wonder if mom would let being a surrogate count as having a job....

Pensively,

Earlene 

I can't even believe it.

Sorry for the lack of posts this weekend.

My mom, out of nowhere, bursts into my room and tells me that I have to get a job. And I think "no big deal, she's said that before."

But then she said that if I don't have a job, or at least the prospect of a job by the end of the week  SHE IS KICKING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.

what?!?!?!

She says it's "out of love" that she is doing this. Uh-huh. Right. When I tell her she's dressing much too young for a woman of her age, now that, that is out of love. This is just heartless.

I don't even think she'd actually go through with it. She would totally never go through with it.

asdlghalsdgjadklghakdsjglhaskdjghaksdjghsakdjghksjdaghdkljahgksljhdgaksldghaklsgahsd.

Doesn't she know that our economy is failing? That people who actually went to business school are now working at Hot Dog on a stick? 

The only place that I would possibly ever want to work is Game Stop, and they aren't hiring. 

Mom suggested I apply at Ann Taylor Loft.         Bite me. 

whatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoido.

blerrrghhhhhhhhh i'm going to have to make a resume.

This is the absolute worst thing that has ever, EVER happened to me.

P.S.

One more thing....

It really irks me when John McCain goes ON and ON about how he isn't President Bush, how he has no intention of continuing George Bush's policies, how he doesn't want to be associated with him.

And yet.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2006/09/17/bush-gives-personalized-_n_29648.html

GEORGE BUSH ALSO IRRATIONALLY USES SHARPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even worse, in what can only be described as a dicatorial and oppressive maneuver, he gives PERSONALIZED SHARPIES to his staff as gift, a practice one can only assume John McCain will continue.

Let's END this unfortunate era in American Penmanship!

Patriotically,

Earlene

So funny, I forgot to Laugh.

Ish sent me a link to a video today. He said it was soooooooooooooooo hilarious. 

ISHMAN95: Also, you should record yourself watching it with your computer camera.

QUEENEARLENE: no.

QUEENEARLENE: y wud I?

ISHMAN95: Just do it.

QUEENEARLENE: ok

Needless to say, I didn't find it that funny.

Disgruntled,

Earlene

No, I'm sorry, unless you're a government, you don't get a LAW

I am a pretty easy going chick. Calm. Rational. It isn't easy to upset me. But the things that upset me make me REALLY angry.

And one thing that that really bothers me, even more than the fact that John McCain is seemingly incapable of writing with something other than what is essentially a marker, is MAN LAW.

Have you guys seen this, or heard of this? Ugh! Ish has gotten really into this lately. Like at Sunday Dinner, he let out this disgusting belch. And when my aunt yelled at him, he leaned back in his chair and said "A Burp is a Compliment to the Chef. MAN LAW." Shove it, Ish, unless you call it "unattractive pre-pubescent boy law", it doesn't really apply to you!

Anyway.

If MEN can have annoying LAWS in order to rationalize all their erratic, rude, selfish, disgusting behavior, then SO CAN I!

presenting

EARLENE LAW

1.  If you do not SPECIFICALLY CLAIM YOUR FOOD, by saying "This sandwich on my plate is mine, and I intend to eat it." then it is FAIR GAME for other people to eat. EARLENE LAW. 

2. If you are careless with your home address, and put it on facebook, then it is fair game to look up this address on google map and go to street view and memorize what your house looks like and imagine you in it. EARLENE LAW.

3. If you go to an All-You-Can-Eat Brunch Buffet, such as Souplantation or Country Town Home Cooking Buffet or something, you might as well stay as long as possible and get two meals out of it. EARLENE LAW.

4. If we have ANY facebook friends in common whatsoever, then we should probably be facebook friends. EARLENE LAW.

5. If a guy invites you to meet him at an appointed time to see a movie or eat dinner, it is a date. If you just "happen" to run into him at a movie or while he's eating dinner or at his work, it is still a date. EARLENE LAW.

Any other Earlene laws I should add?

Yours,

Early

Destiny? Yes!

Yesterday, I wrote on Bradney's facebook wall:

Afterwards, in a flash of self-doubt, I worried that Bradney might find that creepy. So imagine my intense joy and relief when he wrote back:

That is the single nicest thing that Bradney has ever, ever said to me. I felt giddy for the rest of the day. There is absolutely NO BETTER FEELING IN THE WORLD than when your crush totally gets you, and says as much. I mean, he didn't have to say anything so sweet, you know? He could have just ignored the wall-post like he usually does. I'm so happy that I randomly saw that quote on a website yesterday. I didn't even know it was from the band Phish!!!! I've never actually heard any of their songs, BUT!

But.

Phish food (Phish Phood?) is totally my favorite ice cream flavor. Which means that Bradney and I are soul mates.

So happy,

Earlene

(PS Happy Birthday Nathalie. I will eat a few cupcakes in your honor.)

HALLO-WEEN

5 Reasons Why Halloween Is The Best Holiday of the Year Except for Christmas or Your Birthday Even Though Birthdays Aren't Really Holidays:

1. If your mom makes you donate your trick-or-treat pillowcase to starving children in Tibet, you can give her a decoy filled with Raisinets, Smarties, and toothbrushes and bury the actual pillowcase(s) in the backyard for later.

2. Two words: Candy. Corn.

3. Because carving Jack-O-Lanterns into faces that resemble people you know is not creepy, it is a compliment. Also, it is a compliment to carve "SOMEONE LOVES YOU" into a pumpkin and leae it on their porch. Also, it is an even bigger compliment to carve "SOMEONE LOVES YOU" into twenty three pumpkins  and line them up to spell out "BRADNEY" on their porch.

4. I am really. Really. Really. Good. At bobbing for apples.

5. If you plan ahead, you can change into a different costume and make the trick or treating rounds again for double candy. Also you can do this more than once. My record is seven, so GOOD LUCK.

-Earlene

Cookie Dough Is My Kryptonite

My mom had book club tonight, which meant I had the house to myself.  An empty house is always a mixed bag of emotions. At first you're all excited because it means you can do all the fun things your mom doesn't like you to do when she's home, like walk around the house pretending to be a British Archeologist ("I don't like when you do that, Earlene! It makes me nervous! Stop talking like that! Stop it right now!"), or watch Ren and Stimpy DVDs ("Distasteful.") But after a while it's just kind of boring. And then eventually you get a little panicky and wonder if maybe there was an apocolypse and you didn't even notice and maybe you're the last woman on earth and why is the street so quiet and maybe you had better go on cnn.com just to make sure the world didn't end while you were pretending to brush off ancient pottery fragments with a toothbrush.

When my mom leaves for Book Club (Or Bunko, or to a Botox Free Informational Meeting), she always leaves dinner on the table for me. When I was little, dinner would often consist of Mac N'Cheese (duh.) or three of those frozen Kid Cuisine meals (one was never enough).

Lately though, Mom's dinner for me usually consists of: A stalk of broccoli. A wedge of Jicama. Bark. And a Carrot for dessert. 

As soon as Mom left, I put my dinner in my cat, Paul's dinner bowl (he was displeased) and took out the package of cookie dough I bought earlier in the afternoon.

Have you ever had cookie dough for dinner? Best. Thing. Ever. Especially now that it comes in pre-cut squares. So it's easy to divide up into a meal. 3 squares as an appetizer. 7 squares for dinner. And two for dessert.

Best dinner ever.

Cordially,

Cyril Alistair Mitford, Archeologist

(AKA Earlene Watts)

Debate Night

Oh my god, you guys, it's 3 am, and I'm exhausted after an extra long tourney with Sven, who finally beat me. All I want to do is crawl into bed, but then I realized that a lot of you are probably waiting for this entry. Some of you might even need my Lexicon in order to fully participate in the "tough vigorous debates around issues" that are sure to occur in the office tomorrow morning.

Well, have no fear.

Earlene's Fourth (and Final) Guide to Complicated Political Jargon

Joe Wurtzleberger: Okay. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, while admittedly quaint, are at least believable names. THERE IS NO WAY THAT "JOE WURTZLEBERGER" AKA "JOE THE PLUMBER" IS A REAL PERSON!!!!!!! Don't be fooled, America! 

Hatchet: A large, blunt blade attached to a short wooden stick. Lizzie Borden picked up her hatchet and slashed her mother's face off.

Scalpel:  A small, but extremely sharp knife, used for anatomical dissection, and sometimes arts and crafts. Having finished his thorough dissection of the cadaver, Dr.Frankenstein washed off his scalpel and eagerly set to work on his macaroni christmas ornaments.

Editors Note: I am not really sure how either the Hatchet or the Scalpel will be helpful in solving the economic crisis.

Overhead Projector:  See Previous Edition.

Scranton, PA: See Previous Edition

Watch Dog Organization: I didn't know this existed, but I guess I'm not surprised. Everyone's unionized these days.

Tit for Tat: This is pretty vulgar. Let's just say, sometimes girls don't have enough cash to pay for their tattoos, so they strike up some other deal. Just another example of how seriously skeezy Washington has gotten lately.

Bresh of Freth Air: Pig-Latin dialect for "Breath of Fresh Air". 

Cockamamie: Old man-speak for "crazy", or "silly". Jedidiah didn't quite trust the Prospector's cockamamie scheme to get gold, so he hitched a ride on the next Wells Fargo Wagon out of town.

Climate Change: Any long-term significant change in the weather a specific region experiences.

Climate Control: Air conditioning. 

Closing Thoughts on the Presidential Debates of 2008:

Seriously, John McCain....

IT'S CALLED A "PEN".  MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET ONE SOMEDAY.

**##!*^@$!!!!!!!!

Carmen Electra is hot, but I have other nice qualities.

If you thought that maybe with the change of the seasons comes a change in the ferocity of my mom's obsession with my (lack of) exercise regime, you would be wrong. She is CONSTANTLY harping on me to go for a run, but things are still awkward with Charlie at the cafe, and I don't like being lapped by groups of 70 year old power walkers. So today, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

MOM: Early! Look how nice it is outside! Why don't you go for a nice run?
ME: It's cold.
MOM: It's BRISK! There's a difference!
ME: I don't feel like running today.
MOM: Yes and I'm sure the Pope doesn't feel like giving mass today, but such is life. You need the exercise.
ME: What if I told you I could exercise in the house?
MOM: Early. We've talked about this. Taking your neopet for a walk around Neopia DOES NOT COUNT AS EXERCISE.
ME: What if I bought a workout video?
MOM: You mean like buns of steel?
ME: Erhm. Maybe not THAT one. But yes.
MOM: I guess that would be ok.....

So I went to Target to buy a workout video. There was quite a huge selection, but I ended up with the perfect option for my lifestyle:
It's an entire exercise video of exersizes I can do WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO GET OUT OF BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm actually really excited about working out now. The thing is, I HATE to work out. It makes me miserable. And I know that if I ran every time my mom told me to, I'd probably look more like Carmen Electra than I do now. But I figure that looking like Carmen Electra just doesn't come with the package of Being Earlene Watts. And maybe Carmen Electra really hates gaming. So she doesn't do it. And that's fine. Because I guess being as good of a gamer as Earlene Watts just doesn't come with the package of Being Carmen Electra.

Unexpected Compliment

Today, somebody at Arby's told me I looked like the main character from The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. I haven't seen the movie, but you can bet I google imaged it as soon as I got home.

I can definitely see the resemblence, especially around the lips and chin. Obviously the main difference is that I am a brunette.


Anyway, I also came across this disturbing image from the film...


I don't know what happened to that poor guy, but he looks BUSTED.

It's My Blog And I Can Call It A Haiku If I Want To

A HAIKU
Thank you, Grandmother
For my metabolism
And my Excema

Halloween

As Pocahontas would say, Halloween is "Just around the Riverbend!" (Actually she would say it more like "just around the riverbeeeeeeeeeeend!" while rowing a canoe with a racoon in it on her way to see her grandmother who is, incidentally, a tree.)

I really need a good costume for trick or treating this year. Preferably one that disguises my face, because the neighbors always get annoyed when I ring their doorbells and grumpily tell me to "leave some candy for the kids!"

My Ideas So Far:

- A Sexy Pimento Olive.

-A Sexy Duck Billed Platypus

-A Sexy Box of Kraft Mac N' Cheese (this might be a little difficult....)

-A Sexy Raisin

-A Witch.

I really cannot decide, so I made a poll! Please vote for your favorite halloween costume on the side bar thing. Or if you have better ideas, let me know!!!!!!!

This is gonna be the best halloween ever, I'm gonna get MAD candy, y'all.

My Birthday

Hi Guys,

I'm glad so many of you liked the music video!!! Mariah has always been an inspiration to me, and I enjoyed the filming process. Also, today I went to The Bank Formerly Known as Washington Mutual to cash a birthday check from grandma, and "Always Be My Baby" was playing. I think that is a sign. Of something.

However, in my next video I definitely think I'll go edgier. Show everyone a totally new side of me....ideas?

My birthday was ok. Hiroko and Sven (international friends I met through gaming) both sent me sweet ecards, and a couple people wrote on my facebook wall, which was really sweet.

Mom got me a gift certificate to GameStop (yes!!!!) and a membership to Curves for Women. (thanks?)

Didn't hear from my dad, but, that's ok.

-Early

for your information

It is also on youtube.

MY MUSIC VIDEO

In honor of my birthday!!!!!!!!

Hope you like it!!!!!

Surprise, Surprise....

So my mom talked to her friend who is friends with the person who is friends with Trey's mom, and heard that Trey has decided to move here permanently. So she invited Trey over for dinner. And I guess Trey's mom made him say yes.

Except, in typical mom fashion, she conviniently forgot a very important "meeting" so she left us money for pizza and took off. Also she kept winking.

Once my mom left, Trey seemed really pissed off. 

ME: So, Trey....do you want to be in my music video?

TREY: Do I want to be in your....?

ME: Music Video.

TREY: Music Video. Really.

ME: Yes.

*silence*

ME: ...so do you want to be in my Music Video?

TREY: No. I do not.

So we watched tv instead, for about twenty minutes, until Trey told me he had better get going.

ME: But what about the pizza?

TREY: I'm actually not hungry. You go ahead and eat it.

So I did.

And that's about the end of that.

Except, remember when Trey said he didn't want to be in my Music Video?

WE DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT, TREY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Earlene's Guide to the Second Debate (Yes....THAT one)

I had just fixed myself an Elvis Sandwich (Grilled peanut butter, banana, honey, bacon) and settled down to watch the debate, when I discovered, to my HORROR, that my mother had somehow messed with the tivo (something she is expressly forbidden to do) and recorded "Dancing with the Stars" instead, which meant I had to wait for them to re-air it, which is why this is so late.

Anyway.

Earlene's Third Guide to Complicated Political Jargon

Golden Parachutes: When millionaires fly on their private jets, they have golden colored parachutes instead of normal khaki ones. Sort of like that iphone application that costs $1,000 that doesn't actually do anything except add an "I'm Rich" icon to your phone.

Warren Buffet: An American investor, banker, and philanthropist.  Also wrote the song "Margaritaville".

crone-y-ism: The noun form of being an old crone. John McCain wants to get rid of the crone-y-ism in Washington D.C., i.e. all the mean old women. Earlene did not feel her love of cats was an omen of her future crone-y-ism.

Pork Barrel Ear Marks: I think this is like, when you get your ears pierced at the mall instead of someplace like the doctor's. And the needles aren't kosher or something. 

Reaching Across the Table: Usually done in order to grab a side dish that is far away, like corn. Also known as a "boarding house reach". It is important that senators do this so that everyone has equal amounts of corn and stuffing and potatoes. Like at Thanksgiving. Which is a predominately American holiday.

Reaching Across the Aisle: Like at a wedding when you don't know the person across the aisle but the ceremony is really boring so you sort of make eye contact and roll your eyes or something and then are friends. I imagine this happens a lot at the senate.

Buying An Overhead Projector For A Planetarium in Illinois: Just Political-Lingo for "The absolute GREEDIEST, most REVOLTINGLY MATERIALISTIC WASTE OF MONEY EVER". 

Date Certain: Personally, I had no idea that such a thing as a "date certain" aka "certain date" existed, but am now for the first time considering running for congress....

Wall Street Got Drunk: To be honest, I don't completely understand this metaphor, but if wall street's penchant for alcohol is what's behind all this economic mess, then wall street probably should have stuck with the mac'n'cheese.

Bail Out Vs. Rescue: Again, this actually does mean the same thing.

Closing Thought:

Dear John McCain,

A SHARPIE IS NOT A PEN. PLEASE BUY YOURSELF A BIC.

Fondly,

Earlene Watts

As a matter of fact, I DID shoot a music video...

Mom's been on my back for a while about finding a "Creative outlet".  I decided rather than wasting my breath trying to convince my mother that gaming IS an outlet for me, I might as well humor her to get her off my back faster.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what my creative outlet could be.

At first I thought I might try my hand at welding. Unfortunately, it isn't really easy to "try your hand" at welding these days because so few people weld.

Then I thought I might start getting really into reality tv, but mom objected by saying that it isn't really a creative outlet unless you are OUTPUTTING some kind of creative energy. 

Then Ish came over this weekend with a fancy new video camera that he bought for himself with his bar mitzvah money. he's decided he wants to go to film school, which is pretty appropriate for a poncy freak who sucks at math like him. anyway he was showing off his camera and the idea kind of dawned on me, like, really organically. Then we had the following conversation:

ME: Ish, let's shoot a music video with your new camera.

ISH: No.

ME: Starring me!

ISH: .....No?

ME: And we can have lots of different locations and wardrobe changes!

ISH: Seriously, no.

ME: I'll pay you.

ISH: How much.

ME: *whispers undisclosed amount, saved from years and years of Nana slipping me twenties and telling me to go buy something pretty*

ISH: You have 5 hours.

And we shook on it. It was actually a pretty good deal...5 hours of total creative freedom for me, and Ish had to do and film whatever I said, and wasn't allowed to complain about it being "morally suspect" or "creepy".

The whole shoot was really great. It was a really organic process. The video is basically about some of the men I've loved. I like to work really organically. Like, just do what feels right. Anything to get the shot. The dailies (daily?) looked amazing and it was totally cathartic for me.

Anyway, the video drops this Friday. Look for it on this blog.

I have always wanted to say that something "drops". If you hvae always wanted to say that too, then you should probably grab a camera and shoot a music video. I highly recommend it.

-Earlene

Weekend Report of What I Did This Weekend

Hey guys, it's me, Earlene.

This weekend was pretty fun. I went to Best Buy because I had a gift certificate left over from Christmas and I used it to buy The Complete First Season of Happy Days and a Sprite. It lasted me almost all weekend. The Happy Days DVDs, not the Sprite. The Sprite lasted no more than 21 minutes. 

Watching those dvds was pretty enjoyable because I have always found Ralph Malph to be attractive. They really don't make em like they used to. Except for Bradney..

My favorite character on Happy Days is probably Pinky Tuscadero.

Here are some interesting facts I found about the actress who played Pinky, Roz Kelly:

-After Happy Days, Roz was unable to find success in the Entertainment industry.

-Most of her roles emphasized her body and highly sexual demeanor.

-She was addicted to some (unspecified) substances.

-She was arrested for firing a 12-gauge shotgun into the living room window of a neighbor's house after a car alarm woke her up; she also shot the neighbor's car and another car near by.

-She is known as "Roxie" to her family and friends

Other things I did this weekend: Welcomed a new pet, Gorb, to my neopets.com family, cooked some chicken, shot a music video, and washed my mom's car.

Overall, a pretty good two days.

P.S. I am recovering pretty nicely from my apple orchard incident. I do not think it is going to scar.

The day I got into an accident.

 I was severely injured this afternoon.

No, no, don't worry. I am going be fine.

Right now, I'm in bed, eating popsicles and resting. 

I'm still pretty shaky but I guess I feel ok enough to talk about it.

Every year in October it is a tradition that me and my mom go pick apples at an apple orchard.

For those of you readers who have never been to an apple orchard, and are under the impression that this is an idyllic Johnny Appleside-eque romp, let me tell you, you are very very very wrong.

APPLE ORCHARD=Death.

It is a very very very stressful place. You get there, you grab your basket, or "scuttle" or whatever cutesy colonial name they've decided to call it this year and watch as your mother sets off on a brisk trot towards the trees, where there is intense competition to get the best apples before the thousands of other nostalgia starved parents get there first.

My mom usually doesn't want to ruin her manicure so she makes do most of the picking, and there is always a definite change in tone from the beginning of our apple picking trip to the end.

BEGINNING OF APPLE PICKING

"Oh, there's a nice one, honey! Right to your left! Great teamwork! High Five!"

END OF APPLE PICKING

"Your LEFT. LEFT! God damnit Earlene, reach! REACH! That big red one! A little exercise is not going to kill you!"

So there I was, perched precariously on a little sapling apple tree that wasn't exactly sturdy enough to hold my rounded figure, listening to my mother screaming at me to stop staring at her like a slightly retarded monkey and pick the damn apple.

So of course I fell.

Actually, more like the tree fell, with me in it.

Anyway, it was really painful, and really embarrassing, and my mom started crying, and I was crying because my head really hurt, and there was blood gushing.

I didn't go to the emergency room but I did lie down in the back of the car the entire way as my mom sped home.

The worst part is I have a nasty mark on my forehead now.

UPDATE: Mom just came into my room with the latest gaming magazines, ho-hos, Sunkist, and bandaids.

I'm not saying that this makes up for the accident or anything.

But it helps.

Debate Lexicon: VP Edition

You might think that because tonight's debate was merely a  VICE-Presidential debate, it would be a bit easier to follow. Not so, my fellow Americans. Back by popular demand, I am happy to present to you:

Earlene's Guide to Complicated Political Jargon, Volume 2

Joe Six-Pack: By frequently referencing "Joe Six-Pack", Palin is reaching out to a previously un-tapped voting demographic: Personal trainers, Body builders, and all around gym rats. "Joe Six-Pack" is severely affected by the recent economic crisis: protein shakes are very expensive. 

Maverick: A motherless calf. By repeatedly referring to John McCain as a maverick, Sarah Palin, a mother herself, is clearly going after the sympathy vote. Despite having promised herself not to adopt any more stray neopets, Earlene took pity on the maverick gnarlrod, and adopted him anyway.

Self-Regulation: (See also Deregulation, regulate, regulation, deregulate) Joe Biden stressed the importance of " regulation and letting the free market move." I think this has something to do with what Jamie Lee Curtis talks about in Activia commericals.

Scranton, Pennsylvania: Secretly THE MOST IMPORTANT TOWN IN AMERICA, as it is constantly mentioned in almost every single election event.

Bridge to Nowhere: A colloquialism that means "heading nowhere good". "You are on a bridge to nowhere using that attitude with me, young lady!" said Mrs. Watts.

Surge: Only the BEST SODA EVER!!! Similar to Mountain Dew. I was usually not allowed to have it, because it made me crazy.

Senator O'Biden: By calling Joe Biden "Senator O'Biden", Palin was merely giving a live demonstration of her diplomatic capabilities, for example, when discussing all the pressing issues between Ireland and the United States with Irish diplomats, she will know how to address them.

Home Depot: Important meeting spot where Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates chillax, buy some wood, and talk to fellow home-repair enthusiasts about the state of the nation.

Kitchen Table: Basically, a "situation room" for the modern American family. "Honey, our Verizon bill is two hundred dollars over, this month. And Fido has cancer. I need you at the Kitchen Table, stat."

Two-steak solution: Basically the only way to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine:  Take the President of Israel and the President of Palestine to Flemings, order two steaks and maybe a side of Mac'N'Cheese and let them work it out.

Online Tests are not great for my self-esteem.

I was bored this evening so I took a bunch of online quizzes, mainly to see if I was "Datable? Or Not?". (Result: I need to work on loving myself before a man can love me. This can be achieved by picking up a hobby such as croquet or flower arranging.)

But then the "Dateable? Or Not?" test had a link to The Ultimate Purity Test. At first I got a score of 96% sexually pure, 4% sexually corrupt, but that's because I misread a question as "Have you ever been messaged by a member of the opposite sex" when it was actually "Have you ever been massaged by a member of the opposite sex." So my actual score is 97% percent sexually pure.

Disconcertingly, The Ultimate Purity Test also provided the (in my mind superfluous) additional statistic of my "Weirdness Factor, (AKA Uniqueness Factor)", based on a comparison of my test results with 1,219,387 other people's results.  My "Weirdness Factor AKA Uniqueness" factor was 36%. I have no idea what that means.

Then I tried to take a test called "Purity Test for People With Large Vocabularies", but I didn't know any of the words, so I settled for the "The Dr.Seuss Purity Test". (No, I have not done it with a goat. Ditto on a boat.)

The last test I took was "Is Soda Making You Unhealthy?"

Yes, it is.