New Year's Resolutions

(Note: I'll go back to writing normal entries about my day-to-day existence when my life stops being so depressing. So, I'm thinking early 2011?)

Also, please note that, because my life is in complete and utter shambles, there are major resolutions that go without saying (i.e. get a job, an apartment, a Wii, and a boyfriend, in that order). 

That having been said, for my New Year's resolutions I am going to focus on smaller, more instantly achievable things.

The Resolutions of Early Watts

1. Make friends with a girl my age who is not a bitch.
2. Exact painful and humiliating revenge on Carl.
3. Find the best Mac N'Cheese in America.
4. Go to the gym at LEAST twice a month.
5. Put lots of cute facebook pictures up to make Carl jealous.
6. Prove to my mom that I am not a lesbian.
7. Conquer my phobia of Gerard Depardieu.
8. Dye my hair a different color and truly give myself a makeover.
9. Move to a New City.

And, possibly, depending on how I do with the first 9 items...

10. Find my father.

Chugging a cup of kindness,

Earlene

Another Very Helpful Guide

Some people are just naturally good at being  depressed. They don't have to try hard or think about it too much because it just comes so easily to them. 

I am one of those people: being depressed is a God-given talent of mine. And, because depression is so inherent in my nature, I am only too aware of the flaws in other people's depression.

The other day, while I was being shuffled around from After-Christmas Sale to After-Christmas Sale by my mother, I overheard the following conversation:

 Girl: I hate the holidays. I've been so depressed.

Other Girl: Well, shopping should make you feel better.

Girl: Yeah. And I think I might go for a run after this. That should help, too.

A run?!?!?!    

Oh honey, please.

Clearly, the world needs this:

Earlene's Guide to Dressing, Talking, and Living Like the Depressed Girl You Are Inside

• Watch Bridget Jones's Diary incessantly. But never watch past the part where Hugh Grant dumps her, and she's sitting alone in her bath tub crying. That is the real end of the movie: the rest is just Hollywood Dribble.

• Don't start anything that might be construed as productive, such as new fitness plans, new creative projects, or new friendships. You know you will fail at this anyway.

• If you were recently dumped, the worst thing you could do is to eat a lot of ice cream and dye your hair. Instead, you should call your ex-boyfriend repeatedly, and with steadily increasing frequency. It is helpful to leave a lot of voice mails ("WHYYYYYYYYY??!! WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!") and sometimes vaguely threatening letters. Only when he has threatened to take out a restraining order and told you that he never really even loved you will you be TRULY ready to be properly depressed.

• If you happened to have been dumped for another woman, a good Depressed Girl move is to frequently check her myspace and facebook profile to compare yourself to her. (You might have to make fake accounts and friend her under a pseudonym before you'll have full access to her pictures.) Take heart in the fact that even though she is prettier, skinnier, has a joint degree from Juilliard and Columbia, was in the Peace Corps, was awarded "Best Sense of Humor" in high school, and is much, much, much more Quiverful than you are, she will never, ever beat your World of War Craft score.

• Dig through your closet. Find the ugly orange class t-shirt you were forced to wear as a sophomore in High School which you forgot to order on time so the only size left was an XXX-L. Wear it. Constantly.

• If your pants do not have an elastic waist, then you are not a Real Depressed girl.

• Watch the Sound of Music. But stop watching at the part where they are in the graveyard hiding from the Nazis. Imagine alternate depressing endings.

• Go into the bathroom and put on no less then 10 coats of mascara. DO NOT TAKE IT OFF FOR AT LEAST FIVE DAYS. Pretty soon, the mascara will smudge all around and your eyes will look like black holes, creating a corporeal allusion to the black hole in your heart.

• Go to the Olive Garden (or any other restaurant you ate at with your ex). Imagine him there with the new girlfriend, as she gently wipes the alfredo sauce from his chin. Cry into your macaroni and cheese. Cry harder when the waiter comes over to gently tell you that you're making the other customers uncomfortable.

• Stay in bed for at least 36 hours. Put your head under the covers. Sleep restlessly. Wake up. Hazily remember the sad sad state of your life. Moan. Repeat.

• Watch "Love Actually". But stop at the Funeral Scene (about 8 minutes into the movie). 

• Entertain yourself with elaborate fantasies about moving to a new city and starting a brand new and exciting life and meeting Zac Effron and getting married and being known as "ZacEarl"in the media and running into Carl or Bradney or Trey and being like "Hey" and them being like "Damn, Earlene???? You look GOOD, girl!". Then realize that this will never, ever, ever, ever, ever happen to you. Go back to bed.

• Walk up to a pregnant lady, touch her belly, look at her sadly and say "Poor thing. So blissfully unaware of the misery that awaits him." Walk away.

• Look up "Funeral Dirge" on itunes. Buy them all. Listen constantly.

Honestly, guys, I could go on, and on, and on.

Mournfully,

Earlene

P.S.

Carl,

Dumping someone on Christmas? Not. Very. Quiverful.

Earlene's Guide to The Holidays

Dear Readers,

How many times a day are you accosted by cheery yet ultimately ignorant well-wishers, wishing you "Happy Holidays"? Innumerable, right? 

And how many times have you stood there, rooted to the spot, counting off in your head "Ok...there's Christmas....Hanukkah....Chrismukkah.....Kwanza....Kwanzukkah....WHAT ELSE?!"

Oh, there's a lot else, reader. A lot else. Luckily, as in so many occasions before, I will ENLIGHTEN YOU.

Earlene's Guide to The Holidays

Note: Every single one of these Holidays is real. Look it up.

NATIONAL ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD DAY*, December 3rd

• This is a day to celebrate not being homeless. It is usually celebrated by creating a meager shelter out of cardboard and newspaper, and then stomping all over it, because you have a house and therefore do not need to sleep there. I'm not sure what homeless people do to celebrate this holiday.

PUT ON YOUR OWN SHOES DAY, December 6th

• Sometimes, when pretending to be a British Archeologist, I put on a pair of my Dad's old work boots that he left here. They are great for excavating Egyptian tombs, and measuring distances. Obviously, on December 6th, I have to wear my own shoes, and obviously a British Archeologist doesn't wear New Balance footwear. This is not an especially good Holiday.

TAKE IT IN THE EAR DAY, December 8th

• I honestly don't know what this Holiday is about. I think it might be a sarcastic thing your supposed to say all day?

         Example:   CASHIER: Miss, do you want to take your receipt?

      EARLENE: Yeah, I'll take it......IN THE EAR! HAHAHAHHAHAH!

NATIONAL FLASHLIGHT DAY, December 21

• Oh guys, this one's soooooo good. You play with flashlights ALL DAY. Like, you go turn off the lights, and you put a flashlight under your chin, and you say "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society...". OR you erect a bedsheet and play SHADOW puppets. Which is pretty fun, except I only know how to make a bunny or a thumbs up sign. OR, you can shine a flashlight from your bedroom into OTHER PEOPLE's BEDROOMS, and they will get very creeped out, and quickly leave their rooms.

NATIONAL BICARBONATE OF SODA DAY, December 30th

• A whole day to celebrate baking soda, and believe you me, there is a lot to celebrate. Baking soda eliminates odors. Baking soda relieves itching from the Pox. Baking soda reduces flatulance when cooked in beans. Baking soda can be used as a meat tenderizer. The best way to celebrate National Bicarbonate of Soda Day is to make a HUGE "Volcano", with three entire boxes of baking soda and an entire bottle of vinegar....oh man, it's so, so, so fun. Also, the remnants of your volcano can be spread on crackers and eaten.

RUN UP THE FLAGPOLE AND SEE IF ANYONE SALUTES DAY, January 2

• I celebrate this every year. No one ever salutes.

OLD ROCK DAY, January 7th

• I usually spend all of January 7th in my driveway, which has a lot of old rocks in it. I celebrate by picking them up, inspecting them, admiring them, and generally being respectful of all the service they have provided for my driveway, despite their old age.

So now, the next time somebody says "Happy Holidays!", you can respond with "And a Happy Take It In The Ear Day to you, too!"

Jovially,

Earlene

My First (and Best) Christmas Present

Omg, you guys. Guess what I got in the mail from Reader Tara?

Dear Earlene,

I've been reading your blog for a while, and think you're great. I have to say, though, that I think you're giving sharpies a bad rap. Maybe they aren't good for taking notes at Presidential Debates, but they do have their uses. For instance, sharpies can be good for:

• Signing autographs
• coloring
• plastic surgery
• decorating the walls of a future New York apartment

I think that secretly, you're just upset that you don't have your own sharpies. So, in honor of your first time celebrating Christmas, I am sending you some.

Best,

Tara

Omg, you guys.

THEY HAVE MY NAME ON THEM. Can I just say I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love my sharpies?

Tara, that was the best Christmas present I have ever received. THANK YOU!

Discovering the meaning of Christmas,

Early

Some Updates

Since my move to the Big Apple is looming, I have started conditioning myself to life in New York in January.

Steps I Have Taken to Condition Myself to Life in New York in January

• Blast the air-conditioning in my room, turn on fans, and eat lots of popsicles to get used to the frigid temperatures.

Here I am, practicing being cold. Notice the winter coat.

• Practice using sarcasm, the universal language of New Yorkers.    ......NOT!

• (No, really, I am. That was just me being sarcastic)

• Practice dressing like a hipster.
• Yeah, I look soooooo bad in hipster clothing.*

*sarcasm

• Practice ordering Indian Takeout at 1 am. Except there isn't any Indian Takeout where I live, so I just drive to El Pollo Loco.

Practice not making eye-contact with anyone.

• Practice being really condescending whenever someone mentions they like Sex and the City, or Times Square.

(example: MOM: Early! Sex and the City is on! It's the episode where Miranda dates the--

  EARLENE: Wow, Mom, it's like, not 1999 anymore.)

So far, all my practice is going really, really, badly.*

*sarcasm.

What do you guys think? Am I missing anything crucial?

Sarcastically*,

Earlene 

*sarcasm. or like, backwards sarcasm, or something.

 

IIIIIIIIInteresting....

So most of you guys are voting for the nebulous "All My Lovin", but I *really* like the "California Care Package* idea that some of you posted in the comments. I will definitely be brain storming....

Anyway, I finally got around to posting for a model on craigslist.

If that is too small, here is the link http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/tlg/962370106.html

Hopefully I will get some good responses!!!!!!

Slyly,

Earlene Watts

And because I'm not a scrooge....

I do want to say thank you to the 4 of you who love me "So Much".

Hmmm....

Slightly disappointed with the lack of suggestions/comments/votes. Where are you, readers? What, do you all have JOBS or something? Ok, stop bragging.

Anyway.

Gift Ideas for Carl:

• Sascha (Earlene) Fierce. Suggested by Jarky. I actually really don't understand what this means. But it makes him want to play baseball? Which, I mean, I'm not sure is the goal of a Christmas Present, I'd rather one that would make him want to kiss me or something.

• An Electric Pencil Sharpener. Suggested by Annonymous. I think Carl would like this.

• An Ipod Shuffle, loaded with Romantic Songs. Suggested by Jennifer. (Romantic Songs like "You are the Wind Beneath my Wings", and "Achy Breaky Heart" and "You've Got to Pick A Pocket Or Two".

What do you all think?

Generously,

Earlene

P.S. working on a music video......

dreidel, oh dreidel, I made you out of play-dough, and then I ate you.

This is sort of my first "Christmas" season, since I am jewish. As a jew, I celebrate Hanukah. That means I get eight small presents on eight consecutive nights. 

This year, however, I will also sort of be celebrating Christmas, because Carl is Quiver-ful (Christian) and I want to be a good girlfriend. So even though we will be miles apart, I am still going to buy a small Christmas tree for my room, and put some little presents under the tree. (Probably for myself).

This begs the question: What should I get Carl for Christmas?

• A sweatshirt with my face on it, which I can have made at the drugstore?
• A calendar with my face on it, which I can have made at the drugstore?
• A mug with my face on it, which I can have made at the drugstore?
• A Clay Aiken C.D. (Do Clay Aiken c.d.s exist?)
• Other?

If you guys have any suggestions, write them in the comments. I will take the best reader suggestions, and then make a poll, and have you guys vote.

Oh. CARL, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE STOP READING MY BLOG FOR A FEW DAYS, OR YOU WILL NOT BE SURPRISED BY YOUR PRESENT. THANKS. I LOVE YOU. (YES, I SAID IT AGAIN....ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU DID?) -EARLY

anyway, once i finally told my mom i was moving to new york, she was NOT happy. she says it's crazy for me to go right now when we're about to enter a depression. She says I have no experience and won't possibly be able to compete with all the people who have been laid off and have like ten years of experience. She also says I have no life skills, which, ok, may be true, but on the other hand I've played "The Sims" more than anyone I know, and don't tell me that doesn't count for something.

Why is everyone so down on a girl following her heart?HMMMM, Cynical Readers??

Anyway. Looking forward to your gift ideas.

Piously,

Earlene Watts

Boy Troubles

I'm having some boy troubles, and by boy troubles, i really mean girl troubles, but I hesitate to say that because I don't need EVERYONE thinking I'm a lesbian, and really it's both boy AND girl troubles.

I'm having PEOPLE troubles.

Basically Carl has started asking me a lot of questions about why I want to video chat 24/7, and what I do for fun besides video chatting, and whether I ever leave my room when we aren't video chatting, or do I just sit in front of the computer and wait for him to come back and then commence video chatting again.

Basically, I need to convince him that I have a life, (even though, just between you and me, I don't.)

I think we can all agree that an easy way to judge someone's social life is to look at their facebook profile. The quality of one's social life is directly proportionate to the amount and frequency of "Photos Tagged by Others" on facebook.

I have seven pictures tagged on facebook. But I also took all the picture of myself with my computer camera, and tagged them in an album called "ME".  So they don't really give off the life-of-the-party impression that I'm going for.

I'm sure Carl doesn't want to see pictures of me doing shots, or 30 identical pictures of me and a drunk friend as we try to pose "sexy" which basically means just puckering lips and drooping your eyes til it looks like you have no eyeballs.  (He is, after all, full of quivers.)

Still, it would be nice to be able to subtly give him the impression that I do have SOME girl friends (not girlfriends!!!). I mean, he doesn't know that all girls my age are bitches.

So, I think I'm gonna put an ad on craigslist.

Meet a girl, take a few pictures around town, and prove to Carl I'm not some kind of a social outcast loser freak.

Socially,

Earlene

P.S.

Christmas time is (almost) here.

I would like to do a little thank you to my fans (all 23 of you!) for being so great this year.

I am poor.

I was thinking....I could do a little Christmas Music Video? For you?

yes?

A Conversation with my Mother

Last night I had decided to break the news to my mom that I am moving to New York. It did not go as planned.

ME (EARLENE): Mom, can we talk?

MOM: Can it wait until the end of "According to Jim"?

ME: This is pretty important.

MOM: Alright, poodle, what is it?

ME: There's something I have to tell you. I've known for a while, but I didn't really want to tell you, because I wasn't sure how you'd react. But I hope you'll understand what I'm about to tell you, and I hope you'll continue to be the supportive parent you've.....sometimes been to me. So, yeah, this is really hard for me, but. Mom, I'm g(oing)---

MOM: GAY.

ME: What?

MOM: You're GAY.

ME: What?

MOM: A lesbian. Sweetie. It's ok.

ME: What?

MOM: I've known for a while, now.

ME: What?

MOM: Well, you've never had a boyfriend. When I tried to set you up with Trey and it didn't work out, I started to worry that you would never find love, but then I realized that maybe you weren't interested in love WITH A MAN.

ME: Mom---no. 

MOM: You always talk about this Bradney guy but he's never come over to the house. Sweetie, does Bradney even exist?

ME: Yes!

MOM: You can tell me if you made him up, Early. Momma doesn't judge.

ME: He's real. And I'm not a lesbian.

MOM: When did you stop feeling like you could come to me with your problems?

ME: At birth?

MOM: Violent video games. Your aversion to the Clinique counter. Your hair.

ME: What's wrong with my hair?

MOM: Alright sweetie. If you're not ready to talk about it...

ME: I have a boyfriend.

MOM: Yes. "Carl".....or is it Carla!

ME: *lets out a low groan*

MOM: Carly?

ME: *stops out of the room*

MOM: Was there something else you wanted to talk about?

ME: *slams door*

cannot. wait. to. get. out. of. here.

Heterosexually,

Earlene Watts

DEAR CARL

I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS.

MY INTERNET BROKE.

THAT IS WHY I CANNOT SKYPE VIDEO CHAT WTIH YOU TONIGHT.

I AM NOT DEAD.

I AM NOT ON A DATE WITH A MORE HANDSOME AND LESS QUIVERFUL MAN.

I AM MERELY STUCK AT HOME WITH MY MOTHER, WHO IS FORCING ME TO SPEND "QUALITY TIME" WITH HER WHILE THE INTERNET IS DOWN.

"QUALITY TIME"=PAINTING HER TOE NAILS AND DECORATING THE CHRISTMAS TREE WITH "PRECIOUS MOMENTS" ORNAMENTS.

SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL.

I LOVE YOU.

(YES, I SAID IT.)

YOURS,
EARLY

I'm sorry, you guys.

I'm sorry, you guys.

I said some things I regret.

I don't think you all work at Merril-Lynch and eat peanut-butter sandwiches and jello cups for lunch.

I think you guys as a group are pretty smart. After all, it was you who helped me decide to take Carl to the Olive Garden, which was definitely the right decision.

I understand that you guys, collectively, have more life experience than I do, singularly.

I like to put polls up because I do genuinely respect your opinions.

Thank you, all.

But.

I don't want to be the type of person

Who lives her life

Based on

A blog.

New York City, here I come.

Defiantly,

Earlene Watts

Ok. Fine. You win.

I guess I'll stay here.

I guess I'll keep spending the majority of my days in my room, talking to Hiroko and Sven, who A) are about a million miles away, and B) not usually interested in talking about anything but WarCraft.

I guess I'll keep living with my mom, who has gotten to be pretty good at almost masking how disappointed she is in me.

I guess I'll keep pretending I don't see the girls who made fun of me in high school when they walk by me at the mall, pretending not to see me.

I guess I'll keep fruitlessly stalking Bradney, instead of going after the ONE guy who has ever liked me back.

You guys were right, New York isn't for me. You have to be pretty and ambitious to be successful in New York. You have to have stamina. You have be determined to make something out of yourself. You have to believe you're worth something to survive in a city that rough. It was stupid of me to think I'd even last a minute there.

Staying at home is much safer. At least I won't get hurt here, right?

I know you guys are only looking out for me. You want what's best for me. And staying home is best.

Defeated,

Earlene

So you can't vote twice...

but you can CHANGE your vote! Everyone needs to CHANGE their vote to GO TO NEW YORK.

ok.....

this is ridiculous. I am starting to suspect people are going back and voting No multiple times to be annoying.

Hmmph.

I am mad at you guys.

oh COME on!!!!!

Stay home is WINNING?!?!

I didn't know my readers were all so BORING!

You guys probably all work someplace really BORING, like MERRIL-LYNCH, or ALL STATE AUTOMOTIVE INSURANCE.

and you probably drink CHAMOMILE TEA.

and you probably eat LEAN CUISINES FOR DINNER, but NOT THE MAC'N'CHEESE one, the really lame SALISBURY STEAK one.

and you probably watch NOVA, or C-SPAN.

and you probably like talking about thinks such as PENCILS and THAT REALLY CRAZY DREAM YOU HAD LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE A GERBIL.

in fact, I bet you OWN A COUPLE GERBILS.

and your favorite book is THE DICTIONARY.

and you DEFINITELY don't understand what it's like to have a DREAM, what it's like to pack up and move to new york and GO FOR IT, do you, you nay-saying-stay-at-home-don't-go readers?

Disappointed,

Earlene

clarifications

of COURSE I wouldn't be moving in with Carl. Remember? He is quiverful?

But being in New York would mean Carl and I could go to The Olive Garden, or Outback Steakhouse, or even Red Lobster whenever we wanted.

Carl and I have been video chatting every night. It's sort of fun for the first few hours, but after a while we run out of things to say. So then we sort of stop talking but have the video chat thing on while we do other things, like play video games (me), listen to Celine Dion songs (Carl), and clip our fingernails (both of us, on separate occasions.)

If we lived in the same city, it would be nice to silently clip our fingernails in person.

And I do not know what I would do for a job. But i know a lot of people are getting laid off on Wall Street, so there should be a lot of positions opening up.

Confidently,

Earlene

A big decision

You know how in cinema, the main protagonist will often have an emotional breakdown that coincides with going home for a period of time? And spending time with family will prompt the to seriously re-evaluate their life, like in "13 Going on 30" when Jennifer Garner goes home to her Mom and Dad and scrutinizes the life choices that have led her to be rich and successful but ultimately empty on the inside?

I kind of had a moment like that.

Of course, I am not rich, or successful, and IMHO (that means In My Humble Opinion.) am very beautiful on the inside. Still, I had a similar bout of introspection while celebrating Thanksgiving at Grandmas. The food-induced coma that followed my four plates of stuffing and mashed potatoes (gotta carb-load if you're not eating turkey), I realized some hard truths about my life:

HARD TRUTHS ABOUT MY LIFE

• I do not have a job, and therefore not a lot of money to spend on things like video games and clothes and pie.
• And I did look for a job. But we live in hard times.
• (Just so you don't think I'm lazy or anything)
• Also, I have few social commitments here. Trey doesn't return my calls, and I don't think it's good for Bradney and I to see each other, as it would be too painful now that I have moved on. Which leave Paul, who is flexible.
• The best part of my life is Carl. Who is far away.
• My mom is secretly trying to ruin my life.

So I was complaining about all of this to Carl, and he said seven words that might just change my life:

"Well, why don't you just come here?"

And so I thought about it, and, really, what's stopping me from going to New York? There is nothing holding me here! 

I know it seems like it's too early to just up and move across the country to be with Carl. But...

don't you think it's about time I got a life?

I'm posting a new poll. Please vote, and leave any advice you have for me!

Hoping to make it after all,

Earlene

No Posts

Spilled gravy all over my computer while eating leftovers. I am such a MacGenuis.....NOT. (hahahahhhahaha LMAO ROFL)

Anyway.

New Post tonight, after my keyboard dries out.

(PS: No turkeys died during the making of this gravy. My mom used Chicken, don't worry)