BOYCOTT THANKSGIVING

Thanksgiving is a completely immoral Holiday. It's all about celebrating togetherness, and being thankful for what we have, while completely ignoring the fact that MILLIONS suffered a terrible fate so that we can eat our Thanksgiving meals all across America.

That's right, I'm talking about TURKEYS.

The Turkey is a noble and magnificent creature. Here are some facts about TURKEYS:

• The top of its beak is called a SNOOD
• Large domesticated turkeys are unable to fly. Because they are so fat because people want to EAT them.
• Benjamin Franklin thought a Turkey should be our Nation's symbol instead of an eagle, because a turkey is COURAGEOUS.
• The Turkey makes a cuddly and loyal pet: Tad Lincoln kept one in the White House while his dad was president.

The way Turkeys are treated in this country in this day and age is SHAMEFUL.

So, please, readers, before you bite into your turkey this Thanksgiving, remember THIS image:

Be a good American, and have some Kung Pao Chicken instead!!!!

Emphatically,

Earlene Watts

The Official Carl Baseball Metaphor Of Hooking Up

FIRST BASE: A handshake lasting 3 seconds or less.

SECOND BASE: A handshake lasting more than three seconds, with lingering eye contact.

Extra points: THUMB ACTION, i.e. thumbs caressing

THIRD BASE: A standing hug, like on the street, saying hello or goodbye.

HOMERUN, i.e. ALL THE WAY, i.e. THE WHOLE NINE YARDS, i.e. GRAND SLAM: A SEATED hug. Like on a couch. Or bed.

That's about accurate, right?

-E-Rod

It's a many SPELNDORED THIING

11/21/08

TO: Earlene (Earleney@gmail.com)

FROM: Carl (Redacted)

SUBJECT: Just a little something to brighten your day....

E,

I saw this and thought of you.....

Yours truly,

Carl

Siiiiiiiigh. Isn't Carl sweet? He is the perfect boyfriend. I miss him so much. Even though I have only met him once. I also really want to kiss him. Even though that is against his religion. 

Here is something I have been grappling with:

Carl doesn't kiss, right? And he definitely doesn't do other things, right? But after our date, he gave me a firm handshake, right? So, technically, in Carl-terms, I've gotten to like, third base, right?

I must develop a Carl Baseball Metaphor Scale ASAP.

Industriously,

Earlene

My date with CARL

Well you guys were really no help at all in determining whether I should go to Olive Garden or Rockerfeller Center. I went to The Center before meeting up with Carl to scope it out. It looked like fun, but not terribly romantic.

Also, New York is nothing if not the city of Billy Joel, and I know he would have wanted me to go to an Italian Restaurant.

So in the end, I told Carl to meet me at.....

THE OLIVE GARDEN!!!!

I was really nervous before my date. Blind dates are the WORST because you don't actually know if you will get along with the person, or if you will be attracted to them. Blind dates just usually never work out, which is especially frustrating because those are the only types of dates I've ever been on.

Luckily, I was immediately attracted to Carl.

Carl knew who I was immediately, because he had seen my Music Video on youtube. (He told me I look even better in person!!)

I asked Carl if he minded my choice of restaurants, but he said it was perfect because most restaurants in New York are really intimidating and the waiters get mad at you if you can't pronounce "bruschetta", but at The Olive Garden, you're family.

Carl just moved here from Tulsa, and he says that's the biggest adjustment to NYC: NOTHING is actually pronounced like you think it should be.  Examples:

• Houston Street is pronounced HOUSE-ton street.
• Au Bon Pain is "Oh bone pan", not "Ow!! Bone pain!!" (I thought it was an orthopedic clinic)
• Lexington is pronounced Lexington. That one is kind of the same...except one of the cab drivers I had kept saying it and I kept thinking he said "53rd and Mexican".

ANYWAY.

After our meal, (I had Mac'N'Cheese and breadsticks for me, plain pasta with no sauce for Carl), I wasn't ready to to call it a night. Luckily, neither was Carl, and he suggested we walk around Times Square.

Times Square is definitely the CRAZIEST place in the world, and we saw lots of exciting things. Like:

A Billboard for Madagascar 2!!!!

The Statue of Liberty!!

Toys'R'Us!

Times Square is also the theater capital of the world. There are so many great shows playing there. Carl said we should go to one the next time I am in New York.

Carl loves Clay Aiken

Harry Potter

Carl is really excited to see Liza At The Palace

Another cool thing that we saw in Times Square was a Two Headed Goat.

You can't tell from this picture that it is a two headed goat. But it was.

After a while, it was getting really cold in Times Square, so we decided to call it a night. I was a little nervous about saying goodbye: would Carl go in for a good night kiss?! And what if I was not a good kisser? I really liked Carl, and didn't want to scare him off with a horrible kiss.

I needn't have worried. Carl seemed to be able to read my thoughts, (also, he may have noticed that my eyes were closed and my lips puckered) because he explained to me that he is Quiverfull-Minded, which means he does not believe in kissing before marriage. This is a little disappointing, but nothing we can't work on.

Carl gave me a firm handshake goodbye, and we promised to email each other. It was definitely my best date ever.

Later that night I looked up "Quiverfull" on wikipedia. I am not sure I am ready to have 19 children, so I guess it is good that Carl lives in New York. Besides that, it is a huge bummer, because we have something special.

I guess we'll just try to keep in touch long distance and see how things go....

A little bit in love,

Earlene

Carl Talk

CARL IS TALL

I AM NOT.

Meet Carl.

This is Carl. We are toasting hot dogs. (As in "Cheers". Not as in sitting around a campfire, literally toasting them.)

Facts About Carl

• He is tall
• He likes everything
• Including me.

My date with Carl was really really fun. But I don't know if i should go into all the details...I don't want to annoy all my readers who haven't yet found love.

But....you know, if you WANT to hear more about him....I GUESS I could post some more pictures from our date...........

And one more:

Fact: New York City IS the most romantic city in the world. And dreams really do come true.

Some Trivia

FACT: It is hard to maintain a blog while on vacation.

FACT: "Scores" is not a sports bar. I learned that the hard way. Thanks, Annonymous Commentator, that was a VERY helpful date suggestion.

FACT: CATS, The Musical, is no longer playing on Broadway.

FACT: DUCK-BILLED PLATYPUSES, The Musical, is a really great idea for a musical.

FACT: Re-enacting John Lennon's assasination at the Dakota, even while meant as a tasteful and poignant tribute, is not generally appreciated.

FACT: New York Hotdogs are, in fact, delicious.

FACT: The NYPD does, in fact, take bomb threats seriously. (I tested this out to make sure.)

FACT: Even though you might be excited upon seeing a real-life Hipster, they often don't react well to being asked to take a picture with you.

I fly home tomorrow. Can't wait to update with pictures and finally tell you about the C-Man!!!

-Earlene

New York, I Love You But You're Getting My Hair Wet

I want to tell you about my date last night, but it is my penultimate day in N.Y.C. City, and I still have SO much to see. Like: Magnolia Cupcake Factory. Like: The Statue of Liberty. Like: Crumbs Cupcake Factory. Like: A Puerto Rican person. (I LOVE West Side Story.)

In the meantime, here are a few pictures of my trip so far:

A Hot Dog.

RockerFeller Centre

Central Park In Fall

or

In Which I Purchase Coffee In Order To Keep My Cheek Warm

Radio City Music Hall

(I told you my hair gets crazy in humidity.)

Signing out from The Big Apple,

E.Watts

what do I do what do i do??

My date is TOMORROW NIGHT and i still don't know where we should go!!!!!!

On the one hand, The Olive Garden is always romantic.

But on the other hand, I can go to an Olive Garden ANYWHERE.

But then again, last time I went ice skating I fell and ended up falling and hurting myself and sitting in the middle of the skating rink for like twenty minutes until they cleared the rink and came to pick me up on the Zamboni Machine. And I really want to make a good first impression!!


Also, I am nervous because of the weather. I am one of those girls who is lucky to have hair that pretty much always looks good.....unless it rains. If it rains, my hair goes crazy, and I really can't afford to look bad tomorrow.

In other news: I bought a bunch of "I (Heart) New York" clothing so that I would fit in while I'm here. But I've only seen one other person wearing a New York t-shirt. (See previous entry re:man falling asleep in his own vomit.)

Also, there is a Rice Pudding Bar here, and it is very very good. I've already been three times.

gahhhhh nervous about tomorrow!!!!!

-Early

omg a TIE?!?!

Way to be undecisive, guys. NOW where should I go on my date???

Take 2.

So last night I decided to do some exploring of New York City. Unfortunately, I got really really lost and spent the evening in the subway.

Despite what you may have heard in a song, taking the A Train is NOT the best way to find that Old New York is rather pretty. Also, I don't think that to "take your baby subway riding" is a very good idea, unless your baby likes sitting across from men who have fallen asleep in their own vomit.

Also, I did not see the Olsen Twins, OR Harry Potter on the subway.

Also, New York is the City that Never Sleeps....except for hot dog vendors. They go to bed early and bring their hotdogs with them.

Today I am staying out of the subway, even though it is raining. (My camera is out of batteries. I will recharge and then take pictures.)

Not totally discouraged yet,
Early

UPDATE

I am here. In New York.

My plane did not crash!!!!!!!!!

I watched "Man Vs.Wild" the entire time!!!!!!!

I now have the skillz to survive in the Saharan desert!!!!

I asked for extra snacks and the flight waitress gave it to me!!!!!!

Now, out to find some grub....

Stay tuned.....

Early

New poll!

I arrive in New York TODAY!!!!!!!!!

Where do you think I should go on my hot date? I have compiled a list of romantic New York locations. Please vote on the left.

Hope my plane doesn't crash!

--E

MOOOOOOOON RIVER!!!!!!

Ok so the exciting thing is that I have a DATE in New York this weekend. A real life earnest to goodness BLIND DATE that one of my readers set me up with. Here is the email:

FROM: (redacted)

TO: earleney@gmail.com

Dear Earlene,

I love your blog and read it every day. Your musings on the debates were the best part of the 2008 election, and your Halloween costume was the funniest thing I've ever seen, (besides the part of the music video when you steal that guy's chip). You really deserve a boyfriend who can appreciate your uniqueness. 

When I heard you were coming to New York I got really excited, because I have the PERFECT guy for you. His name is Carl, he is 23, and he just got out of a bad relationship (her only interests were complaining about immigrants and watching Gossip Girl).  I'd LOVE to set something up for you two while you're here!

If you don't want to, no hard feelings. Just let me know.

All my Earlove,

(Redacted)

So I wrote back:

Dear (Redacted),

Does he have a pulse? Does he like mac'n'cheese? If the answer to one or more of these questions is yes, then I would love to meet him.

Best,

Early

AHHHHHHH I HAVE A REAL LIFE EXCITING ROMANTIC NEW YORK DATE!!!! 

Guys, you don't UNDERSTAND. These things don't happen to Earlene Watts. I am so excited!

And now, 

A haiku

Pictures on Facebook

Like deer on a game reserve

Are there to be stalked.

-E

Cooking with Earlene!

My bad habit of eating Arby's three times a day (Lunch, Dinner, Snack) was getting expensive, and since I don't have a job yet (more on that later :-/) I decided to rely on what I think I can safely call my over-par cooking skills.

I realized that it would be really nice of me to share some of my Tipz with you guys, so you too can enjoy a delicious home cooked meal!

INGREDIENTS

A good cook can whip up a meal out of anything in their fridge. Here is what was in my fridge:

And
Meat.

STEP ONE

In a mixing bowl, mix together the ground meat products and ricotta cheese. Then put it in a pan. Place pan in the Microwave for 20 minutes. (Meaning COOK it for twenty minutes...don't just PLACE it there and expect something to happen)

STEP TWO

Take your concoction out of the microwave. 

STEP 3

There might be like, a bunch of watery stuff in the pan. Pour that out. It should look kind of like this.

STEP FOUR

Any chef knows that innovation and spontaneity is the key to a great dish. My meat/cheese thing would have been good left alone, but I decided to add something a little special.....

BACON!

STEP FIVE

Broil it until the Bacon is perfectly cooked.

 STEP SIX

ENJOY!!!!!!!!!

Warmly,

Earlene Batali

I can see paradiiiise by the DASH BOARD LIGHT!

5 Things that are Very Annoying about The Gym

1.  Often, I am the only one who sings along during Spin class. (I always try to sing along, even if it requires me to pedal consistently slower than the rest of the class for the sake of better breath support)

2. Often, all the elliptical machines are full of girls who are hardly even working out. So then I have to wait for some girl to finish reading her article about Zac Effron or whatever before I can use the machine. 

3. Often, said girls are really touchy and get mad, even if you are doing something as innocuous as politely and silently standing in front of their machine, watching them as I wait for them to finish.

4. Often, guys really don't like it if you go into the weight room and lie down on a free bench to take a little nap after working out so hard.

5. Often, people act like they've never seen a person bounce on the big plastic inflatable bouncy balls before. IT'S WHAT THEY'RE THERE FOR, PEOPLE!

ugh, are you proud of me for going to the gym, guys? Because I really hate it.

Bothered, but buffer,

Earlene

DUN dun da-da dun, DUN dun da-da dun....

Start spreading the news.............

I'm leaving next Thursday........

I wanna BE A PART OF IT! New York, New York!!!!

These New Balance shoooooes

Are longing to strayyyyyy

Right to the very heart of it! New York, New York!!!!

I am very very very very very excited to be going to New York next week. I have never been to New York before but I feel like it's my kind of town because there is a lot to do there and I like hot dogs.

I am already starting to work out my Itinerary. I arrive Thursday night. I am staying in Times Square, the cultural center of New York City. I am gonna try to make reservations for TGI Fridays that night.

My main goal in New York is to see famous people. Every time I open a magazine there are pictures of famous people walking around New York City. It is basically like a zoo for famous people. If I see a famous person I will ask to take a picture with them. 

Here are celebrities I could possibly see and take a picture with:

1. Donald Trump

2.Ashley Olsen, star of "When in Rome" and "Holiday in the Sun"

3. Harry Potter

4. Mary-Kate Olsen, star of "Winning London" and "Getting There"

5. Suri Cruise.

Who am I leaving out?

On the prowl,

Earlene 

Sweat.

Jen and Corey are awesome because they ran the New York Marathon. And also they are awesome because after running the New York Marathon, they took a picture to send to me to express their Earlove. 

I am flattered, and very impressed.  The New York Marathon is not easy, despite the fact that minor celebrities do it. Jen and Corey have inspired me to begin intense training so that I, too, can complete a marathon. 

I started today. I was a little nervous, because I haven't been to the gym since taking P.E. But as soon as I got onto the ellpitical I felt right at home.

Things got a little trickier once I turned the machine on.....

But I got the hang of it pretty quickly. Before I knew it, I was moving my arms and legs in ellpitical motions quicker than I ever thought possible. I really feel like I got an intense workout. I was totally wiped out afterwards.

My next goal is to make it on the elliptical for over 10 minutes.

But for now, I think I'll concentrate on strength training...

Out of Breath,

Earlene

P.S. I have some exciting news: I have a JOB INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! details to come!

Nov. 4th

I voted.

Yeah, I voted. JEALOUS?!?!

So, I wasn't really going to vote, until someone told me that you get a ton of FREE STUFF if you do, like from Starbucks and Ben and Jerry's, and best of all, KRISPY KREME DONUTS!!!!

So I decided that I should probably vote early, so that I don't have to waste a lot of time on Tuesday and can cover all the Starbucks, Ben and Jerry's, and Krispy Kreme Donuts in my area. (31 Locations, total, that I'm planning to cover. I will need to get an early start.)

Voting early was a big pain, and I totally deserve all 12 free donuts I plan to eat Tuesday, because I had to wait in line for SEVEN HOURS. (ok, four hours. but still.)

Standing in line for so long is kind of like being on a really long plane ride, because you are next to the same people for a really long period of time. Most people hate talking to people sitting next to them on a plane, but I think it's more awkward to not say anything, so I broke the awkward silence by using one of my favorite ice breaker questions.

ME: Do you like monkeys?

Guy Reading Book: Pardon?

ME: Do you like monkeys?

Guy Reading Book: Do I like monkeys?

*I nod expectantly*

Guy Reading Book: Is that what you're asking me, whether or not I like monkeys?

ME: Yeah.

Guy Reading Book: Yeah, I like monkeys, sure.

ME: Ok.

*Guy goes back to reading.*

ME: Do you like Ostriches?

And so on and so forth, until the guy remembered he had left his oven on and decided to vote on Tuesday after all.

I am not going to tell you who I voted for, because that is private, and I do not want to sway any voters who may be swayed by the commentary of me. 

But I think it's no secret that I am not a fan of Sharpie Diplomacy.

(As for all the propositions and stuff, I basically used the same strategy I used when filling out scantron forms on the SAT....create a pretty pattern of dots and stick with it.)

I wonder if GameStop is giving away discounts to people who voted? That would be GREAT.

Patriotically,

Earlene Watts