OMG YOU GUYS I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!

....................just kidding, no I didn't.

ANYWAY.

The vote is on. If I get 16 (sixteen) followers, I will either

A) Show up at Bradney's office with flowers and ask him to be my valentine. And film it.

B) Go to Bradney's HOUSE and re-create the scene from Love Actually where that cute guy uses poster board to tell Keira Knightley he will love her until she looks like an egyptian mummy. And film it.

C) Kidnap Bradney. Force him to go on a romantic Gondola Ride in Long Beach. And Film it.

D) Show up at Bradney's house with another BOY to make Bradney jealous. Film it.

THE VOTE IS YOURS, PEOPLE!!!!!!

But, just to be clear, I am totally over Bradney. I am honestly just doing this for the sake of the blog. Soooooooo over Bradney, I mean, come on. Looks and great personality aren't everything, you know.

So over him,

Earlene

Reading is fun for when your xbox is broken!

So, a friend pointed me in the direction of www.goodreads.com, which is sort of like myspace for people who read.  (It is a well-known fact that the vast majority of myspace readers are illiterate.)

Apparently it is a good way to meet men: you just upload your favorite books, and it will show you similarly minded people. Hopefully, once I start chatting up some guys, I can ask them to be my valentine.

Here are the books I added:

BOOKS I ADDED

1. He's Just Not That Into You, by Greg  Behrendt

2. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, By Judy Blume

3. Make Every Man Want You, by Marie Foliero

4. Living with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, by Helen Shapiro

5.  In My Own Words, by Christopher Plummer

6. Rick Steves' Guide to Arizona

7. Days Of Thunder 2: Cole's Reckoning

So as soon as the website finds suitable men who like the same books as me, I'll be all set for Valentine's Day! Yay!

Still compiling suggestions for the poll on what I should film myself doing. Check back later in the day.

Literature-ally,

Earlene

Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly, Lavender Green

So, Swati Hingorani, from Bombay, was kind enough to leave a comment informing me that those arranged marriage sites are borderline racist, which obviously won't do, because I will accept ANY shade of Indian. So, Swati, do you know anyone you could set me up with for Valentine's Day?

And Jennifer pointed out that Bradney has a blog now, anniedontwearnopanties.blogspot.com, which was nice of her but also naive, because obviously I have been carefully monitoring all of Bradney's activities. Even though I am over him. Totally. Although, the blog makes no mention of HIM having a date for Valentine's day...

Anyway, Bradney's blog has this thing where if he and his roommate get 15 people to follow his blog, they will film themselves donating blood. Which, is sort of like saying "if you read your blog I will give money to orphans--but if not, I won't."

Still, I think it's a good idea, and would like to implement it. I have FIVE followers right now. If I get 16 followers, I will.......

Well, that's the problem. What would you like to see me do? Donate blood? Eat a sandwich?  Show up at Bradney's office with flowers and ask him to be my Valentine?

I would like to hear your suggestions. And then I will compile the best ones and make a POLL, because we haven't done one in a while. 

And then if I get 16 followers, I will film myself doing whatever it is you guys want me to do.

But keep it PG. If I didn't go to third base with a class of life Figure drawers, do you think I will do it for the whole internet? 

Chastely,

Earlene

P.S. Paul...I tried Craigslist.....it did not end well.

Some Math

So, I am trying not to be too discouraged by the fact that despite the fact that over 40 people read my blog today, NO ONE either

A) volunteered to Date Me.

or

B) knew someone in all of their acquaintances who would date me.

Now, the average person has at least 164 friends on facebook. 

40x164= 6,560. (No, I did not do that in my head, what am I, a GENIUS?!)

Let's say about half of those people are boys, so 6,560/2 is 3,280. (Yes, still used a calculator.)

That's 3,280 people who wouldn't date me.

Well, good, we're off to a great start with this Valentine's Mission.

So, you know there are a bunch of websites dedicated to arranged marriages? Like Baharatmatrimony.com, or shaadi.com. 

It's pretty simple: your parents submit a profile for you, based on religious preferences and caste, and the website sends you potential matches.

I can already hear you skeptics: I KNOW I've had bad luck with internet dating in the past. But this is different because it is run and aimed at Indian people, and everyone knows that Indian people are generally more serious and efficient than, for instance, white people. I am sure that shaadi.com is run by a team of Indian mothers and grandmothers who know what they are doing. I definitely trust them more than that creepy  old doctor who made up eharmony.

I did a little search, just to see what would happen, and there were so many exciting matches! Like Harshdeep, a Sikh Computer Professional from USA, or Rajiv83, a Punjabi Marketing Professional from USA. 

So, I'm THINKING about submitting a fake profile and arranging a "marriage" with one of them, just to break the ice. Of course once we meet in person I will simply let them know that I am not interested in marriage yet, but we could probably go to Extraordinary Desserts on Valentine's Day.

Predestined,

Earlene

Racing, and pacing, and plotting the course....

Please, just, don't ask me how my modeling gig went. Let's just say, as a girl who is still waiting for her first kiss, I was not about to go to third base with an entire class of Figure Drawing Students.

So you won this one, Tressica, but that doesn't prove anything. I bet more people read MY blog than hers! And I bet once I move to New York and get a job, then MY job will be cooler than hers! And I bet that once I have been working at my job long enough to get an apartment, my APARTMENT will be cooler than hers! And if she's a Sex and the City Samantha, then I'm totally a MIRANADA, and Miranda is better! And once I move out of the convent I will have a TON of boyfriends! And I'll be too busy to read her blog! But then one day I will stumble upon it, and it will say "Boo Hoo, I broke up with Carl!"! And I will be like "Wait...Carl, carl...that sounds familiar....nope, nope, can't place it."! Or, I'll be like "Yeah you DID break up with carl because I am dating him!" Or I'll be like "Oh, Zac Effron, you missed a spot." and i wont CARE!

So even if you don't know you're IN this competition, Tressica....prepare to be DOMINATED. There is just an endless list of things I can think of in which to beat you. I am very creative.

In other news:

Mark your calendars.

FEBRUARY 18th, I am moving to New York City. I

but more importantly:

FEBRUARY 14th.

I must find a date for Valentine's Day.

I am willing to be set up on a blind date, as long as he isn't looking for anything serious. (I am leaving, after all.)

Suggestions? Volunteers?

Under Pressure,

Earlene

America's Next Top UGLY Model.

OMG you guys! Tressica's, like, gonna be a model! Because she's, like, SO PRETTY!

HA! Everyone knows that REAL top models are actually really ugly, and only get booked because they have "interesting" or "unique" aka HIDEOUS faces.

Also, I am sure that once I arrive in New York and start taking the subway regularly, I too will be approached to model. It's not THAT big of a deal. It happens to everyone, and it will happen to me, too, especially if it's a hair model thing, because once after going to the Clinique counter I asked my mom to honestly tell me what my best facial feature was and she said I have nice hair. (Actually, she said I have nice hair when I "bother to run a comb through it", which means I have nice hair at LEAST once a week.)

Once I asked Carl if he would ever break up with me, and he said "No", and then after a minute he was like "well, maybe for a MODEL or something."

Well that is completely ridiculous because models cannot possibly be fun to date. You would never want to swap plates at a restaurant because they would probably only order, like, celery stalk. You would take your girlfriend home to your parents, knowing that if your parents read magazines or or billboards they've already seen your girlfriend in her underwear. And you would probably untag every picture of you two together on facebook because you would inevitably just look like a ridiculous gnome next to her.

But, if Carl is determined to have a model, I can be a model. It's honestly not that hard.

All I had to do was google search "Modeling Opportunities" "Los Angeles", make a few calls, and bada bing bada bang, The Los Feliz Figure Drawing Group is paying me $20 an hour to model for them this weekend.

Not difficult, Tressica, not difficult at all. Now all I have to do is plan my outfit!

Triumphantly,

Earlene

Wait.

Did Tressica just INSULT ME??

If so, you can BET i'm going to retaliate! Somehow!

www.tresstrysts.blogspot.com

Vengeful,

E.

A Haiku, a Complaint, and a Picture

A HAIKU IN SYMPATHY FOR SASHA AND MALIA

The Jonas Brothers:

Such a second rate surprise.

Should have been a Dog.

A COMPLAINT

I've sent out a billion cover letters for jobs in New York, and haven't heard back from a single one. Why doesn't anyone want a girl with Beach Cleanup experience, HMMMMM?? If stupid TRESSICA can get a STUPID job as a STUPID receptionist, why can't I get hired as an investigator for the NYPD, or an architect???

A PICTURE

Pretty good, huh? I suppose I should go blonde.

Listlessly,

Early

MEN, some great, some small.

So, I've been carefully monitoring Tressica's blog all day, and I came upon something pretty disturbing....

Someone left the following comment: "You definitely won't be having sex with Carl. Been there, didn't do that, BOOOOORING".

Uhm.

I did not leave that comment. (Although I DID leave the one before it)

This begets the question:

HOW MANY GIRLFRIENDS HAS CARL HAD?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

Also, at least I don't sign my posts "TA!". And, (I've said this before, but it bears repeating:) AT LEAST MY NAME ISN'T TRESSICA!!!!!

Anyway. I was supposed to go to the gym today, but then I remembered the inauguration is on tv, so of course I had to watch all day because I LOVE charles gibson.

Here are some facts about Charles Gibson:

• He is affable.
• He went to the same school as Sasha and Malia Obama. It is fun to imagine a 10 year old Charlie Gibson with a quill in hand.
• His father grew up in Schenectady, NY.
• He moderated a debate between Bush and Kerry in 2004.
• Actually there is surprisingly little interesting information about him on wikipedia. 

But still, he is great, and I am drawn to his charming banter and animal magneticsm, so I was glued to my tv set all day, and instead of going to the gym....

I ate an inauguration cupcake.

God Bless America,

Earlene Watts

I HAAAAATE HER

Carl's girlfriend has a blog. A BLOG. I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her. She's so stupid. 

Her name is Tressica.

.....HER NAME

.....IS

....TRESSICA.

THAT IS NOT A NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh, if you feel like going and throwing up a whole bunch, please visit www.tresstrysts.blogspot.com, and be sure to leave her a comment telling her how TERRIBLE she is. 

It's definitely time to up my game in terms of getting Carl back. Do you guys have suggestions? PLEASE? I am thinking about taking a series of provocative pictures of myself. 

I practiced a "Come Hither" look today. 

If I approached you in a bar, you'd buy me a virgin Pina Colada drink, yes?

Irresistably,

Earlene

P.S. www.tresstrysts.blogspot.com if you love reading about BITCHES.

What I would say......

...if I actually WERE on Inside the Actor's Studio.

(Since so many of you asked.)

(....that basically means you, t.scroggins)

INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO QUESTIONS

1. What is your favorite word? 

 OWL

2. What is your least favorite word? 

VEGGIES

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? 

  Anything with talking animals. Xeroxing things. Going into hotel lobbys to check to see if they have free coffee.

4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

 When people misuse things, like using sharpies to take detailed notes instead of using them to label boxes or sign autographs. Or when people make Neopets solely so they can have a pet and name it after their boyfriend and pick outfits for it, instead of going on a NEOPETS QUEST. Or when people take used milk cartons and put birdseed in it or something. Or when people make boats and hats out of newspaper instead of reading it. Basically anything that will make me shout at someone "THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S FOR!!!!!"

5.What sound or noise do you love?

 The sound the spoon makes when you stick it into a huge pot of refrigerated/congealed macaroni and cheese. It's no secret that I love Mac N'Cheese, but COLD Mac'N'Cheese is the BEST, and the sucking noise the spoon makes as you dish it out is what I believe angels sound like.

6. What sound or noise do you hate?

The sound of my mother forcing herself to laugh hysterically at all the teen movies she constantly gets on NetFlix, in a (desperate.) (vain.) (fruitless.) attempt to stay young. 

(Regina George: "Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen!"

         My Mom:   AHHHHH HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!)

7. What is your favorite curse word?

Penis

8. What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?

British.

9. What profession would you not like to do?

Ghost hunter.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like God to say to you when you arrive at the pearly gates?

"Oh, hey Earlene. International Buffet of Italian Foods is THAT way, Zac Effron is THAT way, and here's a copy of "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened" by Lizzie Borden. Have fun. Oh---and I love your blog."

Who knows, maybe one day I will be famous enough to say all those answers on television.

What would YOU guys answer? I'm curious.

Back to my endless cover letters.....

Earlene

Always Be Prepared

Always Be Prepared, is a pretty good motto. You never know what life may throw at you. I was NOT prepared to be dumped by Carl for another woman even though he is quiverful. This was, perhaps, a bit naive on my part, given the fact that he lived in New York City, and his name was not Jim Bob. 

However, this does not mean I go about my life completely unprepared for whatever may happen next. Here are three things I think you should always be prepared for.

1. A Visit From Grandma

Much like a nuclear holocaust, a visit from Grandma can take you completely by surprise, and the after-math can be deadly. Even if you survive the initial blast of her visit, the toxic remnants of her "cleaning your room" (throwing away all your comic books) and "re-organizing the pantry" (stocking it with Slimfast Shakes) can be deadly.

The best way to be prepared for a visit is to go through the house and make sure certain safety measures are in order. Give yourself a little checklist:

• Is the gin locked away?
• Have the waste baskets been emptied of all twinkie rappers?
• Have you hidden Mom's romance novels and Sue Grafton mystery books away from her nightstand, and replaced them with "No One Helps You Until You Help Yourself" and "Men: Who Needs Em?"
• Have you removed any dangerous objects from the house, such as tape measures, scales, and pictures from the vacation you didn't tell her you went on?
• Have you boogy-trapped the living room with decoys such as a yoga ball, a German Language Tape Set, and a bookmarked biography of Katherine Hepburn?

These simple steps will serve to greatly minimize the impact of a visit from grandma.

2. GEESE

You never know when your plane will accidentally suck in a geese in its engine, and be forced to make an irksome emergency landing in the frigid Hudson River. Therefore, you should always dress warmly for a flight, expecting hypothermia at any moment. (Also, a coat will protect you from the sun and give you shelter if your plane sucks in a few Geese over the Gobi Desert or something.) In addition, you will always want to, as my mother says wear makeup and do your hair before a flight, because if you survive the plane crash there will be ample opportunity to be interviewed on television and you don't want to look like the goose got sucked into the engine and then plopped itself onto your head.

And another thing....if you don't happen to survive the plane crash, having your hair and makeup already done will save your family a few hundred bucks on having to get that done post-mortem. Morbid, but practical in this economy.

3. Inside The Actor's Studio

Even if you are not an actor, and don't plan to pursue acting, you cannot tell me that if someone walked up to you at Coco's and offered you a lead role in the next Amanda Bynes flick, you wouldn't take it. So even if you think acting isn't your thing, you should always be prepared to be catapulted into international superstardom. And the big right of passage for a serious actor is to be interviewed by the bald guy on Inside the Actor's Studio, and then hopefully parodied on SNL.

Inside the Actor's Studio is, like, the easiest interview ever, because you spend the first part just talking about movies you've ALREADY DONE, so you know all the answers. And the second part, the guy asks you a series of questions, but, insiders know, THEY ARE THE EXACT SAME QUESTIONS FOR EVERY INTERVIEW. 

So you really, really don't want to look like a total novice and mess up the questions that every single other actor in the history of time has managed to answer.

Of course, I have had all my answers ready for YEARS.

With great foresight,

Earlene

How do you solve a problem like Earleee-eeene? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

Editorial Note: Some readers gave me some, Ahem, Constructive Criticism about my post yesterday. I am told it was perhaps a little difficult to figure out what I was talking about? Ok, fair enough. I know that my writing is very sophisticated, nuanced, and peppered with complex metaphors that the average reader of, say, Perez Hilton or The Huffington Post would be unaccustomed to. So let me clarify: 

I AM MOVING INTO A CONVENT IN NEW YORK CITY. BUT YOU HAVE TO APPLY FIRST. SO THAT WAS MY PERSONAL STATEMENT. 

At first I was afraid that living in a convent might be a little weird, but after carefully reviewing The Sound of Music, I am excited about all the singing I will surely be doing, and can't wait to hear what song the nuns will make up about ME, Earlene. Also, if they feel the need to pimp me out to babysit cute little children who like schnitzle with noodles, which I understand is the Austrian version of Mac N'Cheese with hotdogs, that would be fine by me. 

Moving on.

Tonight I went to see Dog Millionaire, which it turns out has a "Slum" in front of it and is not the Animated Sequel to "All Dogs Go To Heaven".  Before the movie I naturally went to the Concessions stand to get an Icee, the CUTEST GUY I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE was working the register. Seriously, he looked like Paul from the Wonder Years. In the last season, when he got hot. 

Paul, the Early Years.

Our conversation went like this:

NOT ACTUALLY PAUL FROM THE WONDER YEARS: Can I help you?

EARLENE: A coke Icee.

NOT PAUL: We're out of Coke flavor.

EARLENE: HAMINA??

NOT PAUL: Uh. We have Blue Raspberry. Would you like that instead?

EARLENE: Yes.

-Not Paul goes to get the Blue Raspberry Icee-

NOT PAUL: $4.25

EARLENE: What are they gonna think of next? Purple Orange?

NOT PAUL: What?

EARLENE: Get it?

NOT PAUL: No...

EARLENE: Blue Raspberry? BLUE? Raspberries are RED!

NOT PAUL: Oh. Right.

EARLENE: It's SILLY! Am I right? Am I right??

NOT PAUL: That'll still be $4.25, please.

Sigh. I'm gonna be seeing a LOT more movies, now that I know I can get a MAN along with my nachos.

Fliberdigibbetly,

Earlene

Application--Personal Statement

My name is Earlene Watts, and I live in Torrance, California, at 3322 Wawona Avenue, down the street from my former elementary school, three blocks over from my former high school, and a two minute car ride from the Galleria, where I worked at Wetzel's Pretzels after school from 2003-2006. 

I've slept in the same twin bed my whole life, except for when my parents took me to the Grand Canyon (and then I slept on a fold-out cot at the Quality Inn), and then again at the Sheraton in New York City, where I slept on a full. Often, I still sleep in the same Babysitter's Club Flannel Sheets I got for Christmas in 1993. I am not one for material possessions.

I have always slept alone (Note: I wouldn't normally write this in an application, but I figure in this case you would appreciate that fact.) The point is, neither the prospect of a twin bed, nor the prospect of being its only occupant, is daunting to me.

I don't have many friends, and can't remember the last time I had someone over. I like to play video games, and usually by myself. I am never out past midnight, and though I do stay up until very late at night, I am always silent.

I do like to eat food a lot, but have been strongly advised to go on a diet. So a kitchen that closes at 9:00 pm with no exceptions might be a BLESSING in disguise. (Note: Though not Catholic, I do believe in blessings. Like when my mom wouldn't buy me Apoluxor because it was too violent was actually a BLESSING because when I finally bought the next year they had come out with a better version with more realistic blood.) 

I am a very neat person, and never leave my clothes crumpled on the floor. And when putting up my CSI:Miami and Zac Effron posters, I promise to use that sticky putty stuff, even if it means having to re-hang the posters every time someone opens or closes a door, because I know that tape leaves unsightly marks on the walls.

I don't have a job yet, but I have enough money saved up to afford rent until I GET a job. I just need a quiet, safe place to stay for a while, because even though I would never admit it to my overbearing mother, I am a little bit scared of homeless people and taxi drivers and pigeons, and will probably be missing her a lot.

But mostly, I just want to live someplace that isn't  down the street from my former elementary school, three blocks over from my former high school, and a 2 minute car-ride from Wetzel's Pretzels.

I am sure that I would be a great addition to your convent. Pax Christi.

What do you guys think??? Is the Pax Christi a bit much? I just want to make sure the nuns know that as a Jew, I still respect their religion. I really need them to let me live with them!!!!

Piously,

Earlene

At least my cat loves.....loveD me...

Paul was not happy after his bath today.

How to win a guy over an undisclosed period of time

Step One: Customize your facebook profile for ultimate jealousity.

I hope you guys can see that. Basically, it helps to put up really subtly suggestive statuses ("Earlene is SO MANY DATES SO LITTLE TIME") and get someone to write things on your wall to make your ex jealous ("Early did I just see you in US Weekly with two of the Jonas Brothers? MAKING OUT??").

Also, if possible, send yourself some FACEBOOK gifts so that your ex thinks someone is sending you little cutesy messages not for public consumption.

NOTE: Be sure to make the gift "From Private" or annonymous, to avoid embarrassing Newsfeed items such as this:

Be sure to add a nice and complimentary note, to further arouse your ex boyfriend's suspicions:

Finally, you're gonna wanna RSVP to as many Facebook events as possible, so as to trick your ex into thinking you have a brimming social life. 

Don't have any Facebook Invitations? Not a problem. You can click on "Friend's Events", and RSVP to any event that they might have forgotten to include you on!

Helpful Hint: I don't quite understand why so many people have parties when they lose their cellphones or need your number, but these events are frequent and almost always have an open guest list.

Hope this helps!

Earlene

Yeah, I don't have a boyfriend....SO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Omg you guys, I am soooooooo much happier now that I am not dating Carl. Like, seriously, my ashram made me realize that I am like, WAY better off without him.

 Do you know how much free time I have now that I don't have to spend 24 hours a day in my room waiting for him to come online?

Do you know how tired I was of watching "Full House" i.e. The Only Show That Carl Thought Was Morally Sound Enough To Watch On Television? (And even then, he advised me to change the channel during some of the more suggestive D.J./Steve scenes...)

Do you know how EXHAUSTING it is advertising on craigslist and taking pictures of yourself around town so that your weirdly suspicious boyfriend thinks you have FRIENDS?

Do you know how many fewer PAPERCUTS I have now that I'm not constantly making COLLAGES and INSPIRATION BOARDS for a future wedding??

Do you know how ANNOYING it was to have to don a TURTLENECK and a MASK everytime we video chatted, because Carl didn't want any DISTRACTIONS?

So. Totally. Better. Off.

And, in Completely Unrelated News, Here is a list of  people who probably shouldn't have boyfriends/girlfriends, but still do:

1. Kelly Osbourne

2. Donatella Versace

3. The Half-Ton Man

4. Carrot Top

5. My Grandma

Single And Fabulous,

Earlene Watts

Back from my Ashram.

Hi, guys.

Sorry for the lack of posts. I decided to go on an Ashram to the Desert. An Ashram is where you go to live in peace and tranquility in nature. I really needed some peace and tranquility after my breakup with Carl (his breakup with me???), especially since I had so many huge life decisions to make.

I WANTED to go all the way to the desert in India, except I was afraid of the gastrointestinal ramifications of such a voyage.

So instead I went to IndiO, which in a desert two hours from LA.

I stayed at a Motel Six and it was very tranquil, except for one disturbing altercation that took place in the parking lot at 4 am. 

During the day, I would go out into the desert and find a nice spot without any beer cans or bullet shells on the ground, and meditate/read O Magazine about My Best Life.

It was very soothing.

AAAAAANYWAY.

Now I'm back, and I've made a very important decision:

I am GOING TO NEW YORK ANYWAY! 

I am going to New York, and I'm going to get a FABULOUS job, and make friends with WHITNEY and OLIVIA PALERMO (As one commenter presciently suggested), and I'll start dating someone named WALTER BOBBY, and then one day I will run into Carl and he'll be like "Wow, Earlene, your life is so much better than mine because since we broke up I lost my job and my hair and four toes from my right foot..." and I'll be like "Whoa, THAT sucks...." and then turn back to Walter Bobby and start making out furiously.

A stupid, quiverful GUY should never stand between a girl and her DREAM.

Resolutely,

E. Watts