New Year's Resolutions

(Note: I'll go back to writing normal entries about my day-to-day existence when my life stops being so depressing. So, I'm thinking early 2011?)

Also, please note that, because my life is in complete and utter shambles, there are major resolutions that go without saying (i.e. get a job, an apartment, a Wii, and a boyfriend, in that order). 

That having been said, for my New Year's resolutions I am going to focus on smaller, more instantly achievable things.

The Resolutions of Early Watts

1. Make friends with a girl my age who is not a bitch.
2. Exact painful and humiliating revenge on Carl.
3. Find the best Mac N'Cheese in America.
4. Go to the gym at LEAST twice a month.
5. Put lots of cute facebook pictures up to make Carl jealous.
6. Prove to my mom that I am not a lesbian.
7. Conquer my phobia of Gerard Depardieu.
8. Dye my hair a different color and truly give myself a makeover.
9. Move to a New City.

And, possibly, depending on how I do with the first 9 items...

10. Find my father.

Chugging a cup of kindness,

Earlene

Another Very Helpful Guide

Some people are just naturally good at being  depressed. They don't have to try hard or think about it too much because it just comes so easily to them. 

I am one of those people: being depressed is a God-given talent of mine. And, because depression is so inherent in my nature, I am only too aware of the flaws in other people's depression.

The other day, while I was being shuffled around from After-Christmas Sale to After-Christmas Sale by my mother, I overheard the following conversation:

 Girl: I hate the holidays. I've been so depressed.

Other Girl: Well, shopping should make you feel better.

Girl: Yeah. And I think I might go for a run after this. That should help, too.

A run?!?!?!    

Oh honey, please.

Clearly, the world needs this:

Earlene's Guide to Dressing, Talking, and Living Like the Depressed Girl You Are Inside

• Watch Bridget Jones's Diary incessantly. But never watch past the part where Hugh Grant dumps her, and she's sitting alone in her bath tub crying. That is the real end of the movie: the rest is just Hollywood Dribble.

• Don't start anything that might be construed as productive, such as new fitness plans, new creative projects, or new friendships. You know you will fail at this anyway.

• If you were recently dumped, the worst thing you could do is to eat a lot of ice cream and dye your hair. Instead, you should call your ex-boyfriend repeatedly, and with steadily increasing frequency. It is helpful to leave a lot of voice mails ("WHYYYYYYYYY??!! WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!") and sometimes vaguely threatening letters. Only when he has threatened to take out a restraining order and told you that he never really even loved you will you be TRULY ready to be properly depressed.

• If you happened to have been dumped for another woman, a good Depressed Girl move is to frequently check her myspace and facebook profile to compare yourself to her. (You might have to make fake accounts and friend her under a pseudonym before you'll have full access to her pictures.) Take heart in the fact that even though she is prettier, skinnier, has a joint degree from Juilliard and Columbia, was in the Peace Corps, was awarded "Best Sense of Humor" in high school, and is much, much, much more Quiverful than you are, she will never, ever beat your World of War Craft score.

• Dig through your closet. Find the ugly orange class t-shirt you were forced to wear as a sophomore in High School which you forgot to order on time so the only size left was an XXX-L. Wear it. Constantly.

• If your pants do not have an elastic waist, then you are not a Real Depressed girl.

• Watch the Sound of Music. But stop watching at the part where they are in the graveyard hiding from the Nazis. Imagine alternate depressing endings.

• Go into the bathroom and put on no less then 10 coats of mascara. DO NOT TAKE IT OFF FOR AT LEAST FIVE DAYS. Pretty soon, the mascara will smudge all around and your eyes will look like black holes, creating a corporeal allusion to the black hole in your heart.

• Go to the Olive Garden (or any other restaurant you ate at with your ex). Imagine him there with the new girlfriend, as she gently wipes the alfredo sauce from his chin. Cry into your macaroni and cheese. Cry harder when the waiter comes over to gently tell you that you're making the other customers uncomfortable.

• Stay in bed for at least 36 hours. Put your head under the covers. Sleep restlessly. Wake up. Hazily remember the sad sad state of your life. Moan. Repeat.

• Watch "Love Actually". But stop at the Funeral Scene (about 8 minutes into the movie). 

• Entertain yourself with elaborate fantasies about moving to a new city and starting a brand new and exciting life and meeting Zac Effron and getting married and being known as "ZacEarl"in the media and running into Carl or Bradney or Trey and being like "Hey" and them being like "Damn, Earlene???? You look GOOD, girl!". Then realize that this will never, ever, ever, ever, ever happen to you. Go back to bed.

• Walk up to a pregnant lady, touch her belly, look at her sadly and say "Poor thing. So blissfully unaware of the misery that awaits him." Walk away.

• Look up "Funeral Dirge" on itunes. Buy them all. Listen constantly.

Honestly, guys, I could go on, and on, and on.

Mournfully,

Earlene

P.S.

Carl,

Dumping someone on Christmas? Not. Very. Quiverful.

Earlene's Guide to The Holidays

Dear Readers,

How many times a day are you accosted by cheery yet ultimately ignorant well-wishers, wishing you "Happy Holidays"? Innumerable, right? 

And how many times have you stood there, rooted to the spot, counting off in your head "Ok...there's Christmas....Hanukkah....Chrismukkah.....Kwanza....Kwanzukkah....WHAT ELSE?!"

Oh, there's a lot else, reader. A lot else. Luckily, as in so many occasions before, I will ENLIGHTEN YOU.

Earlene's Guide to The Holidays

Note: Every single one of these Holidays is real. Look it up.

NATIONAL ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD DAY*, December 3rd

• This is a day to celebrate not being homeless. It is usually celebrated by creating a meager shelter out of cardboard and newspaper, and then stomping all over it, because you have a house and therefore do not need to sleep there. I'm not sure what homeless people do to celebrate this holiday.

PUT ON YOUR OWN SHOES DAY, December 6th

• Sometimes, when pretending to be a British Archeologist, I put on a pair of my Dad's old work boots that he left here. They are great for excavating Egyptian tombs, and measuring distances. Obviously, on December 6th, I have to wear my own shoes, and obviously a British Archeologist doesn't wear New Balance footwear. This is not an especially good Holiday.

TAKE IT IN THE EAR DAY, December 8th

• I honestly don't know what this Holiday is about. I think it might be a sarcastic thing your supposed to say all day?

         Example:   CASHIER: Miss, do you want to take your receipt?

      EARLENE: Yeah, I'll take it......IN THE EAR! HAHAHAHHAHAH!

NATIONAL FLASHLIGHT DAY, December 21

• Oh guys, this one's soooooo good. You play with flashlights ALL DAY. Like, you go turn off the lights, and you put a flashlight under your chin, and you say "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society...". OR you erect a bedsheet and play SHADOW puppets. Which is pretty fun, except I only know how to make a bunny or a thumbs up sign. OR, you can shine a flashlight from your bedroom into OTHER PEOPLE's BEDROOMS, and they will get very creeped out, and quickly leave their rooms.

NATIONAL BICARBONATE OF SODA DAY, December 30th

• A whole day to celebrate baking soda, and believe you me, there is a lot to celebrate. Baking soda eliminates odors. Baking soda relieves itching from the Pox. Baking soda reduces flatulance when cooked in beans. Baking soda can be used as a meat tenderizer. The best way to celebrate National Bicarbonate of Soda Day is to make a HUGE "Volcano", with three entire boxes of baking soda and an entire bottle of vinegar....oh man, it's so, so, so fun. Also, the remnants of your volcano can be spread on crackers and eaten.

RUN UP THE FLAGPOLE AND SEE IF ANYONE SALUTES DAY, January 2

• I celebrate this every year. No one ever salutes.

OLD ROCK DAY, January 7th

• I usually spend all of January 7th in my driveway, which has a lot of old rocks in it. I celebrate by picking them up, inspecting them, admiring them, and generally being respectful of all the service they have provided for my driveway, despite their old age.

So now, the next time somebody says "Happy Holidays!", you can respond with "And a Happy Take It In The Ear Day to you, too!"

Jovially,

Earlene

My First (and Best) Christmas Present

Omg, you guys. Guess what I got in the mail from Reader Tara?

Dear Earlene,

I've been reading your blog for a while, and think you're great. I have to say, though, that I think you're giving sharpies a bad rap. Maybe they aren't good for taking notes at Presidential Debates, but they do have their uses. For instance, sharpies can be good for:

• Signing autographs
• coloring
• plastic surgery
• decorating the walls of a future New York apartment

I think that secretly, you're just upset that you don't have your own sharpies. So, in honor of your first time celebrating Christmas, I am sending you some.

Best,

Tara

Omg, you guys.

THEY HAVE MY NAME ON THEM. Can I just say I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love my sharpies?

Tara, that was the best Christmas present I have ever received. THANK YOU!

Discovering the meaning of Christmas,

Early

Some Updates

Since my move to the Big Apple is looming, I have started conditioning myself to life in New York in January.

Steps I Have Taken to Condition Myself to Life in New York in January

• Blast the air-conditioning in my room, turn on fans, and eat lots of popsicles to get used to the frigid temperatures.

Here I am, practicing being cold. Notice the winter coat.

• Practice using sarcasm, the universal language of New Yorkers.    ......NOT!

• (No, really, I am. That was just me being sarcastic)

• Practice dressing like a hipster.
• Yeah, I look soooooo bad in hipster clothing.*

*sarcasm

• Practice ordering Indian Takeout at 1 am. Except there isn't any Indian Takeout where I live, so I just drive to El Pollo Loco.

Practice not making eye-contact with anyone.

• Practice being really condescending whenever someone mentions they like Sex and the City, or Times Square.

(example: MOM: Early! Sex and the City is on! It's the episode where Miranda dates the--

  EARLENE: Wow, Mom, it's like, not 1999 anymore.)

So far, all my practice is going really, really, badly.*

*sarcasm.

What do you guys think? Am I missing anything crucial?

Sarcastically*,

Earlene 

*sarcasm. or like, backwards sarcasm, or something.

 

IIIIIIIIInteresting....

So most of you guys are voting for the nebulous "All My Lovin", but I *really* like the "California Care Package* idea that some of you posted in the comments. I will definitely be brain storming....

Anyway, I finally got around to posting for a model on craigslist.

If that is too small, here is the link http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/tlg/962370106.html

Hopefully I will get some good responses!!!!!!

Slyly,

Earlene Watts

And because I'm not a scrooge....

I do want to say thank you to the 4 of you who love me "So Much".

Hmmm....

Slightly disappointed with the lack of suggestions/comments/votes. Where are you, readers? What, do you all have JOBS or something? Ok, stop bragging.

Anyway.

Gift Ideas for Carl:

• Sascha (Earlene) Fierce. Suggested by Jarky. I actually really don't understand what this means. But it makes him want to play baseball? Which, I mean, I'm not sure is the goal of a Christmas Present, I'd rather one that would make him want to kiss me or something.

• An Electric Pencil Sharpener. Suggested by Annonymous. I think Carl would like this.

• An Ipod Shuffle, loaded with Romantic Songs. Suggested by Jennifer. (Romantic Songs like "You are the Wind Beneath my Wings", and "Achy Breaky Heart" and "You've Got to Pick A Pocket Or Two".

What do you all think?

Generously,

Earlene

P.S. working on a music video......

dreidel, oh dreidel, I made you out of play-dough, and then I ate you.

This is sort of my first "Christmas" season, since I am jewish. As a jew, I celebrate Hanukah. That means I get eight small presents on eight consecutive nights. 

This year, however, I will also sort of be celebrating Christmas, because Carl is Quiver-ful (Christian) and I want to be a good girlfriend. So even though we will be miles apart, I am still going to buy a small Christmas tree for my room, and put some little presents under the tree. (Probably for myself).

This begs the question: What should I get Carl for Christmas?

• A sweatshirt with my face on it, which I can have made at the drugstore?
• A calendar with my face on it, which I can have made at the drugstore?
• A mug with my face on it, which I can have made at the drugstore?
• A Clay Aiken C.D. (Do Clay Aiken c.d.s exist?)
• Other?

If you guys have any suggestions, write them in the comments. I will take the best reader suggestions, and then make a poll, and have you guys vote.

Oh. CARL, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE STOP READING MY BLOG FOR A FEW DAYS, OR YOU WILL NOT BE SURPRISED BY YOUR PRESENT. THANKS. I LOVE YOU. (YES, I SAID IT AGAIN....ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU DID?) -EARLY

anyway, once i finally told my mom i was moving to new york, she was NOT happy. she says it's crazy for me to go right now when we're about to enter a depression. She says I have no experience and won't possibly be able to compete with all the people who have been laid off and have like ten years of experience. She also says I have no life skills, which, ok, may be true, but on the other hand I've played "The Sims" more than anyone I know, and don't tell me that doesn't count for something.

Why is everyone so down on a girl following her heart?HMMMM, Cynical Readers??

Anyway. Looking forward to your gift ideas.

Piously,

Earlene Watts

Boy Troubles

I'm having some boy troubles, and by boy troubles, i really mean girl troubles, but I hesitate to say that because I don't need EVERYONE thinking I'm a lesbian, and really it's both boy AND girl troubles.

I'm having PEOPLE troubles.

Basically Carl has started asking me a lot of questions about why I want to video chat 24/7, and what I do for fun besides video chatting, and whether I ever leave my room when we aren't video chatting, or do I just sit in front of the computer and wait for him to come back and then commence video chatting again.

Basically, I need to convince him that I have a life, (even though, just between you and me, I don't.)

I think we can all agree that an easy way to judge someone's social life is to look at their facebook profile. The quality of one's social life is directly proportionate to the amount and frequency of "Photos Tagged by Others" on facebook.

I have seven pictures tagged on facebook. But I also took all the picture of myself with my computer camera, and tagged them in an album called "ME".  So they don't really give off the life-of-the-party impression that I'm going for.

I'm sure Carl doesn't want to see pictures of me doing shots, or 30 identical pictures of me and a drunk friend as we try to pose "sexy" which basically means just puckering lips and drooping your eyes til it looks like you have no eyeballs.  (He is, after all, full of quivers.)

Still, it would be nice to be able to subtly give him the impression that I do have SOME girl friends (not girlfriends!!!). I mean, he doesn't know that all girls my age are bitches.

So, I think I'm gonna put an ad on craigslist.

Meet a girl, take a few pictures around town, and prove to Carl I'm not some kind of a social outcast loser freak.

Socially,

Earlene

P.S.

Christmas time is (almost) here.

I would like to do a little thank you to my fans (all 23 of you!) for being so great this year.

I am poor.

I was thinking....I could do a little Christmas Music Video? For you?

yes?

A Conversation with my Mother

Last night I had decided to break the news to my mom that I am moving to New York. It did not go as planned.

ME (EARLENE): Mom, can we talk?

MOM: Can it wait until the end of "According to Jim"?

ME: This is pretty important.

MOM: Alright, poodle, what is it?

ME: There's something I have to tell you. I've known for a while, but I didn't really want to tell you, because I wasn't sure how you'd react. But I hope you'll understand what I'm about to tell you, and I hope you'll continue to be the supportive parent you've.....sometimes been to me. So, yeah, this is really hard for me, but. Mom, I'm g(oing)---

MOM: GAY.

ME: What?

MOM: You're GAY.

ME: What?

MOM: A lesbian. Sweetie. It's ok.

ME: What?

MOM: I've known for a while, now.

ME: What?

MOM: Well, you've never had a boyfriend. When I tried to set you up with Trey and it didn't work out, I started to worry that you would never find love, but then I realized that maybe you weren't interested in love WITH A MAN.

ME: Mom---no. 

MOM: You always talk about this Bradney guy but he's never come over to the house. Sweetie, does Bradney even exist?

ME: Yes!

MOM: You can tell me if you made him up, Early. Momma doesn't judge.

ME: He's real. And I'm not a lesbian.

MOM: When did you stop feeling like you could come to me with your problems?

ME: At birth?

MOM: Violent video games. Your aversion to the Clinique counter. Your hair.

ME: What's wrong with my hair?

MOM: Alright sweetie. If you're not ready to talk about it...

ME: I have a boyfriend.

MOM: Yes. "Carl".....or is it Carla!

ME: *lets out a low groan*

MOM: Carly?

ME: *stops out of the room*

MOM: Was there something else you wanted to talk about?

ME: *slams door*

cannot. wait. to. get. out. of. here.

Heterosexually,

Earlene Watts

DEAR CARL

I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS.

MY INTERNET BROKE.

THAT IS WHY I CANNOT SKYPE VIDEO CHAT WTIH YOU TONIGHT.

I AM NOT DEAD.

I AM NOT ON A DATE WITH A MORE HANDSOME AND LESS QUIVERFUL MAN.

I AM MERELY STUCK AT HOME WITH MY MOTHER, WHO IS FORCING ME TO SPEND "QUALITY TIME" WITH HER WHILE THE INTERNET IS DOWN.

"QUALITY TIME"=PAINTING HER TOE NAILS AND DECORATING THE CHRISTMAS TREE WITH "PRECIOUS MOMENTS" ORNAMENTS.

SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL.

I LOVE YOU.

(YES, I SAID IT.)

YOURS,
EARLY

I'm sorry, you guys.

I'm sorry, you guys.

I said some things I regret.

I don't think you all work at Merril-Lynch and eat peanut-butter sandwiches and jello cups for lunch.

I think you guys as a group are pretty smart. After all, it was you who helped me decide to take Carl to the Olive Garden, which was definitely the right decision.

I understand that you guys, collectively, have more life experience than I do, singularly.

I like to put polls up because I do genuinely respect your opinions.

Thank you, all.

But.

I don't want to be the type of person

Who lives her life

Based on

A blog.

New York City, here I come.

Defiantly,

Earlene Watts

Ok. Fine. You win.

I guess I'll stay here.

I guess I'll keep spending the majority of my days in my room, talking to Hiroko and Sven, who A) are about a million miles away, and B) not usually interested in talking about anything but WarCraft.

I guess I'll keep living with my mom, who has gotten to be pretty good at almost masking how disappointed she is in me.

I guess I'll keep pretending I don't see the girls who made fun of me in high school when they walk by me at the mall, pretending not to see me.

I guess I'll keep fruitlessly stalking Bradney, instead of going after the ONE guy who has ever liked me back.

You guys were right, New York isn't for me. You have to be pretty and ambitious to be successful in New York. You have to have stamina. You have be determined to make something out of yourself. You have to believe you're worth something to survive in a city that rough. It was stupid of me to think I'd even last a minute there.

Staying at home is much safer. At least I won't get hurt here, right?

I know you guys are only looking out for me. You want what's best for me. And staying home is best.

Defeated,

Earlene

So you can't vote twice...

but you can CHANGE your vote! Everyone needs to CHANGE their vote to GO TO NEW YORK.

ok.....

this is ridiculous. I am starting to suspect people are going back and voting No multiple times to be annoying.

Hmmph.

I am mad at you guys.

oh COME on!!!!!

Stay home is WINNING?!?!

I didn't know my readers were all so BORING!

You guys probably all work someplace really BORING, like MERRIL-LYNCH, or ALL STATE AUTOMOTIVE INSURANCE.

and you probably drink CHAMOMILE TEA.

and you probably eat LEAN CUISINES FOR DINNER, but NOT THE MAC'N'CHEESE one, the really lame SALISBURY STEAK one.

and you probably watch NOVA, or C-SPAN.

and you probably like talking about thinks such as PENCILS and THAT REALLY CRAZY DREAM YOU HAD LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE A GERBIL.

in fact, I bet you OWN A COUPLE GERBILS.

and your favorite book is THE DICTIONARY.

and you DEFINITELY don't understand what it's like to have a DREAM, what it's like to pack up and move to new york and GO FOR IT, do you, you nay-saying-stay-at-home-don't-go readers?

Disappointed,

Earlene

clarifications

of COURSE I wouldn't be moving in with Carl. Remember? He is quiverful?

But being in New York would mean Carl and I could go to The Olive Garden, or Outback Steakhouse, or even Red Lobster whenever we wanted.

Carl and I have been video chatting every night. It's sort of fun for the first few hours, but after a while we run out of things to say. So then we sort of stop talking but have the video chat thing on while we do other things, like play video games (me), listen to Celine Dion songs (Carl), and clip our fingernails (both of us, on separate occasions.)

If we lived in the same city, it would be nice to silently clip our fingernails in person.

And I do not know what I would do for a job. But i know a lot of people are getting laid off on Wall Street, so there should be a lot of positions opening up.

Confidently,

Earlene

A big decision

You know how in cinema, the main protagonist will often have an emotional breakdown that coincides with going home for a period of time? And spending time with family will prompt the to seriously re-evaluate their life, like in "13 Going on 30" when Jennifer Garner goes home to her Mom and Dad and scrutinizes the life choices that have led her to be rich and successful but ultimately empty on the inside?

I kind of had a moment like that.

Of course, I am not rich, or successful, and IMHO (that means In My Humble Opinion.) am very beautiful on the inside. Still, I had a similar bout of introspection while celebrating Thanksgiving at Grandmas. The food-induced coma that followed my four plates of stuffing and mashed potatoes (gotta carb-load if you're not eating turkey), I realized some hard truths about my life:

HARD TRUTHS ABOUT MY LIFE

• I do not have a job, and therefore not a lot of money to spend on things like video games and clothes and pie.
• And I did look for a job. But we live in hard times.
• (Just so you don't think I'm lazy or anything)
• Also, I have few social commitments here. Trey doesn't return my calls, and I don't think it's good for Bradney and I to see each other, as it would be too painful now that I have moved on. Which leave Paul, who is flexible.
• The best part of my life is Carl. Who is far away.
• My mom is secretly trying to ruin my life.

So I was complaining about all of this to Carl, and he said seven words that might just change my life:

"Well, why don't you just come here?"

And so I thought about it, and, really, what's stopping me from going to New York? There is nothing holding me here! 

I know it seems like it's too early to just up and move across the country to be with Carl. But...

don't you think it's about time I got a life?

I'm posting a new poll. Please vote, and leave any advice you have for me!

Hoping to make it after all,

Earlene

No Posts

Spilled gravy all over my computer while eating leftovers. I am such a MacGenuis.....NOT. (hahahahhhahaha LMAO ROFL)

Anyway.

New Post tonight, after my keyboard dries out.

(PS: No turkeys died during the making of this gravy. My mom used Chicken, don't worry)

BOYCOTT THANKSGIVING

Thanksgiving is a completely immoral Holiday. It's all about celebrating togetherness, and being thankful for what we have, while completely ignoring the fact that MILLIONS suffered a terrible fate so that we can eat our Thanksgiving meals all across America.

That's right, I'm talking about TURKEYS.

The Turkey is a noble and magnificent creature. Here are some facts about TURKEYS:

• The top of its beak is called a SNOOD
• Large domesticated turkeys are unable to fly. Because they are so fat because people want to EAT them.
• Benjamin Franklin thought a Turkey should be our Nation's symbol instead of an eagle, because a turkey is COURAGEOUS.
• The Turkey makes a cuddly and loyal pet: Tad Lincoln kept one in the White House while his dad was president.

The way Turkeys are treated in this country in this day and age is SHAMEFUL.

So, please, readers, before you bite into your turkey this Thanksgiving, remember THIS image:

Be a good American, and have some Kung Pao Chicken instead!!!!

Emphatically,

Earlene Watts

The Official Carl Baseball Metaphor Of Hooking Up

FIRST BASE: A handshake lasting 3 seconds or less.

SECOND BASE: A handshake lasting more than three seconds, with lingering eye contact.

Extra points: THUMB ACTION, i.e. thumbs caressing

THIRD BASE: A standing hug, like on the street, saying hello or goodbye.

HOMERUN, i.e. ALL THE WAY, i.e. THE WHOLE NINE YARDS, i.e. GRAND SLAM: A SEATED hug. Like on a couch. Or bed.

That's about accurate, right?

-E-Rod

It's a many SPELNDORED THIING

11/21/08

TO: Earlene (Earleney@gmail.com)

FROM: Carl (Redacted)

SUBJECT: Just a little something to brighten your day....

E,

I saw this and thought of you.....

Yours truly,

Carl

Siiiiiiiigh. Isn't Carl sweet? He is the perfect boyfriend. I miss him so much. Even though I have only met him once. I also really want to kiss him. Even though that is against his religion. 

Here is something I have been grappling with:

Carl doesn't kiss, right? And he definitely doesn't do other things, right? But after our date, he gave me a firm handshake, right? So, technically, in Carl-terms, I've gotten to like, third base, right?

I must develop a Carl Baseball Metaphor Scale ASAP.

Industriously,

Earlene

My date with CARL

Well you guys were really no help at all in determining whether I should go to Olive Garden or Rockerfeller Center. I went to The Center before meeting up with Carl to scope it out. It looked like fun, but not terribly romantic.

Also, New York is nothing if not the city of Billy Joel, and I know he would have wanted me to go to an Italian Restaurant.

So in the end, I told Carl to meet me at.....

THE OLIVE GARDEN!!!!

I was really nervous before my date. Blind dates are the WORST because you don't actually know if you will get along with the person, or if you will be attracted to them. Blind dates just usually never work out, which is especially frustrating because those are the only types of dates I've ever been on.

Luckily, I was immediately attracted to Carl.

Carl knew who I was immediately, because he had seen my Music Video on youtube. (He told me I look even better in person!!)

I asked Carl if he minded my choice of restaurants, but he said it was perfect because most restaurants in New York are really intimidating and the waiters get mad at you if you can't pronounce "bruschetta", but at The Olive Garden, you're family.

Carl just moved here from Tulsa, and he says that's the biggest adjustment to NYC: NOTHING is actually pronounced like you think it should be.  Examples:

• Houston Street is pronounced HOUSE-ton street.
• Au Bon Pain is "Oh bone pan", not "Ow!! Bone pain!!" (I thought it was an orthopedic clinic)
• Lexington is pronounced Lexington. That one is kind of the same...except one of the cab drivers I had kept saying it and I kept thinking he said "53rd and Mexican".

ANYWAY.

After our meal, (I had Mac'N'Cheese and breadsticks for me, plain pasta with no sauce for Carl), I wasn't ready to to call it a night. Luckily, neither was Carl, and he suggested we walk around Times Square.

Times Square is definitely the CRAZIEST place in the world, and we saw lots of exciting things. Like:

A Billboard for Madagascar 2!!!!

The Statue of Liberty!!

Toys'R'Us!

Times Square is also the theater capital of the world. There are so many great shows playing there. Carl said we should go to one the next time I am in New York.

Carl loves Clay Aiken

Harry Potter

Carl is really excited to see Liza At The Palace

Another cool thing that we saw in Times Square was a Two Headed Goat.

You can't tell from this picture that it is a two headed goat. But it was.

After a while, it was getting really cold in Times Square, so we decided to call it a night. I was a little nervous about saying goodbye: would Carl go in for a good night kiss?! And what if I was not a good kisser? I really liked Carl, and didn't want to scare him off with a horrible kiss.

I needn't have worried. Carl seemed to be able to read my thoughts, (also, he may have noticed that my eyes were closed and my lips puckered) because he explained to me that he is Quiverfull-Minded, which means he does not believe in kissing before marriage. This is a little disappointing, but nothing we can't work on.

Carl gave me a firm handshake goodbye, and we promised to email each other. It was definitely my best date ever.

Later that night I looked up "Quiverfull" on wikipedia. I am not sure I am ready to have 19 children, so I guess it is good that Carl lives in New York. Besides that, it is a huge bummer, because we have something special.

I guess we'll just try to keep in touch long distance and see how things go....

A little bit in love,

Earlene

Carl Talk

CARL IS TALL

I AM NOT.

Meet Carl.

This is Carl. We are toasting hot dogs. (As in "Cheers". Not as in sitting around a campfire, literally toasting them.)

Facts About Carl

• He is tall
• He likes everything
• Including me.

My date with Carl was really really fun. But I don't know if i should go into all the details...I don't want to annoy all my readers who haven't yet found love.

But....you know, if you WANT to hear more about him....I GUESS I could post some more pictures from our date...........

And one more:

Fact: New York City IS the most romantic city in the world. And dreams really do come true.

Some Trivia

FACT: It is hard to maintain a blog while on vacation.

FACT: "Scores" is not a sports bar. I learned that the hard way. Thanks, Annonymous Commentator, that was a VERY helpful date suggestion.

FACT: CATS, The Musical, is no longer playing on Broadway.

FACT: DUCK-BILLED PLATYPUSES, The Musical, is a really great idea for a musical.

FACT: Re-enacting John Lennon's assasination at the Dakota, even while meant as a tasteful and poignant tribute, is not generally appreciated.

FACT: New York Hotdogs are, in fact, delicious.

FACT: The NYPD does, in fact, take bomb threats seriously. (I tested this out to make sure.)

FACT: Even though you might be excited upon seeing a real-life Hipster, they often don't react well to being asked to take a picture with you.

I fly home tomorrow. Can't wait to update with pictures and finally tell you about the C-Man!!!

-Earlene

New York, I Love You But You're Getting My Hair Wet

I want to tell you about my date last night, but it is my penultimate day in N.Y.C. City, and I still have SO much to see. Like: Magnolia Cupcake Factory. Like: The Statue of Liberty. Like: Crumbs Cupcake Factory. Like: A Puerto Rican person. (I LOVE West Side Story.)

In the meantime, here are a few pictures of my trip so far:

A Hot Dog.

RockerFeller Centre

Central Park In Fall

or

In Which I Purchase Coffee In Order To Keep My Cheek Warm

Radio City Music Hall

(I told you my hair gets crazy in humidity.)

Signing out from The Big Apple,

E.Watts

what do I do what do i do??

My date is TOMORROW NIGHT and i still don't know where we should go!!!!!!

On the one hand, The Olive Garden is always romantic.

But on the other hand, I can go to an Olive Garden ANYWHERE.

But then again, last time I went ice skating I fell and ended up falling and hurting myself and sitting in the middle of the skating rink for like twenty minutes until they cleared the rink and came to pick me up on the Zamboni Machine. And I really want to make a good first impression!!


Also, I am nervous because of the weather. I am one of those girls who is lucky to have hair that pretty much always looks good.....unless it rains. If it rains, my hair goes crazy, and I really can't afford to look bad tomorrow.

In other news: I bought a bunch of "I (Heart) New York" clothing so that I would fit in while I'm here. But I've only seen one other person wearing a New York t-shirt. (See previous entry re:man falling asleep in his own vomit.)

Also, there is a Rice Pudding Bar here, and it is very very good. I've already been three times.

gahhhhh nervous about tomorrow!!!!!

-Early

omg a TIE?!?!

Way to be undecisive, guys. NOW where should I go on my date???

Take 2.

So last night I decided to do some exploring of New York City. Unfortunately, I got really really lost and spent the evening in the subway.

Despite what you may have heard in a song, taking the A Train is NOT the best way to find that Old New York is rather pretty. Also, I don't think that to "take your baby subway riding" is a very good idea, unless your baby likes sitting across from men who have fallen asleep in their own vomit.

Also, I did not see the Olsen Twins, OR Harry Potter on the subway.

Also, New York is the City that Never Sleeps....except for hot dog vendors. They go to bed early and bring their hotdogs with them.

Today I am staying out of the subway, even though it is raining. (My camera is out of batteries. I will recharge and then take pictures.)

Not totally discouraged yet,
Early

UPDATE

I am here. In New York.

My plane did not crash!!!!!!!!!

I watched "Man Vs.Wild" the entire time!!!!!!!

I now have the skillz to survive in the Saharan desert!!!!

I asked for extra snacks and the flight waitress gave it to me!!!!!!

Now, out to find some grub....

Stay tuned.....

Early

New poll!

I arrive in New York TODAY!!!!!!!!!

Where do you think I should go on my hot date? I have compiled a list of romantic New York locations. Please vote on the left.

Hope my plane doesn't crash!

--E

MOOOOOOOON RIVER!!!!!!

Ok so the exciting thing is that I have a DATE in New York this weekend. A real life earnest to goodness BLIND DATE that one of my readers set me up with. Here is the email:

FROM: (redacted)

TO: earleney@gmail.com

Dear Earlene,

I love your blog and read it every day. Your musings on the debates were the best part of the 2008 election, and your Halloween costume was the funniest thing I've ever seen, (besides the part of the music video when you steal that guy's chip). You really deserve a boyfriend who can appreciate your uniqueness. 

When I heard you were coming to New York I got really excited, because I have the PERFECT guy for you. His name is Carl, he is 23, and he just got out of a bad relationship (her only interests were complaining about immigrants and watching Gossip Girl).  I'd LOVE to set something up for you two while you're here!

If you don't want to, no hard feelings. Just let me know.

All my Earlove,

(Redacted)

So I wrote back:

Dear (Redacted),

Does he have a pulse? Does he like mac'n'cheese? If the answer to one or more of these questions is yes, then I would love to meet him.

Best,

Early

AHHHHHHH I HAVE A REAL LIFE EXCITING ROMANTIC NEW YORK DATE!!!! 

Guys, you don't UNDERSTAND. These things don't happen to Earlene Watts. I am so excited!

And now, 

A haiku

Pictures on Facebook

Like deer on a game reserve

Are there to be stalked.

-E

Cooking with Earlene!

My bad habit of eating Arby's three times a day (Lunch, Dinner, Snack) was getting expensive, and since I don't have a job yet (more on that later :-/) I decided to rely on what I think I can safely call my over-par cooking skills.

I realized that it would be really nice of me to share some of my Tipz with you guys, so you too can enjoy a delicious home cooked meal!

INGREDIENTS

A good cook can whip up a meal out of anything in their fridge. Here is what was in my fridge:

And
Meat.

STEP ONE

In a mixing bowl, mix together the ground meat products and ricotta cheese. Then put it in a pan. Place pan in the Microwave for 20 minutes. (Meaning COOK it for twenty minutes...don't just PLACE it there and expect something to happen)

STEP TWO

Take your concoction out of the microwave. 

STEP 3

There might be like, a bunch of watery stuff in the pan. Pour that out. It should look kind of like this.

STEP FOUR

Any chef knows that innovation and spontaneity is the key to a great dish. My meat/cheese thing would have been good left alone, but I decided to add something a little special.....

BACON!

STEP FIVE

Broil it until the Bacon is perfectly cooked.

 STEP SIX

ENJOY!!!!!!!!!

Warmly,

Earlene Batali

I can see paradiiiise by the DASH BOARD LIGHT!

5 Things that are Very Annoying about The Gym

1.  Often, I am the only one who sings along during Spin class. (I always try to sing along, even if it requires me to pedal consistently slower than the rest of the class for the sake of better breath support)

2. Often, all the elliptical machines are full of girls who are hardly even working out. So then I have to wait for some girl to finish reading her article about Zac Effron or whatever before I can use the machine. 

3. Often, said girls are really touchy and get mad, even if you are doing something as innocuous as politely and silently standing in front of their machine, watching them as I wait for them to finish.

4. Often, guys really don't like it if you go into the weight room and lie down on a free bench to take a little nap after working out so hard.

5. Often, people act like they've never seen a person bounce on the big plastic inflatable bouncy balls before. IT'S WHAT THEY'RE THERE FOR, PEOPLE!

ugh, are you proud of me for going to the gym, guys? Because I really hate it.

Bothered, but buffer,

Earlene

DUN dun da-da dun, DUN dun da-da dun....

Start spreading the news.............

I'm leaving next Thursday........

I wanna BE A PART OF IT! New York, New York!!!!

These New Balance shoooooes

Are longing to strayyyyyy

Right to the very heart of it! New York, New York!!!!

I am very very very very very excited to be going to New York next week. I have never been to New York before but I feel like it's my kind of town because there is a lot to do there and I like hot dogs.

I am already starting to work out my Itinerary. I arrive Thursday night. I am staying in Times Square, the cultural center of New York City. I am gonna try to make reservations for TGI Fridays that night.

My main goal in New York is to see famous people. Every time I open a magazine there are pictures of famous people walking around New York City. It is basically like a zoo for famous people. If I see a famous person I will ask to take a picture with them. 

Here are celebrities I could possibly see and take a picture with:

1. Donald Trump

2.Ashley Olsen, star of "When in Rome" and "Holiday in the Sun"

3. Harry Potter

4. Mary-Kate Olsen, star of "Winning London" and "Getting There"

5. Suri Cruise.

Who am I leaving out?

On the prowl,

Earlene 

Sweat.

Jen and Corey are awesome because they ran the New York Marathon. And also they are awesome because after running the New York Marathon, they took a picture to send to me to express their Earlove. 

I am flattered, and very impressed.  The New York Marathon is not easy, despite the fact that minor celebrities do it. Jen and Corey have inspired me to begin intense training so that I, too, can complete a marathon. 

I started today. I was a little nervous, because I haven't been to the gym since taking P.E. But as soon as I got onto the ellpitical I felt right at home.

Things got a little trickier once I turned the machine on.....

But I got the hang of it pretty quickly. Before I knew it, I was moving my arms and legs in ellpitical motions quicker than I ever thought possible. I really feel like I got an intense workout. I was totally wiped out afterwards.

My next goal is to make it on the elliptical for over 10 minutes.

But for now, I think I'll concentrate on strength training...

Out of Breath,

Earlene

P.S. I have some exciting news: I have a JOB INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! details to come!

Nov. 4th

I voted.

Yeah, I voted. JEALOUS?!?!

So, I wasn't really going to vote, until someone told me that you get a ton of FREE STUFF if you do, like from Starbucks and Ben and Jerry's, and best of all, KRISPY KREME DONUTS!!!!

So I decided that I should probably vote early, so that I don't have to waste a lot of time on Tuesday and can cover all the Starbucks, Ben and Jerry's, and Krispy Kreme Donuts in my area. (31 Locations, total, that I'm planning to cover. I will need to get an early start.)

Voting early was a big pain, and I totally deserve all 12 free donuts I plan to eat Tuesday, because I had to wait in line for SEVEN HOURS. (ok, four hours. but still.)

Standing in line for so long is kind of like being on a really long plane ride, because you are next to the same people for a really long period of time. Most people hate talking to people sitting next to them on a plane, but I think it's more awkward to not say anything, so I broke the awkward silence by using one of my favorite ice breaker questions.

ME: Do you like monkeys?

Guy Reading Book: Pardon?

ME: Do you like monkeys?

Guy Reading Book: Do I like monkeys?

*I nod expectantly*

Guy Reading Book: Is that what you're asking me, whether or not I like monkeys?

ME: Yeah.

Guy Reading Book: Yeah, I like monkeys, sure.

ME: Ok.

*Guy goes back to reading.*

ME: Do you like Ostriches?

And so on and so forth, until the guy remembered he had left his oven on and decided to vote on Tuesday after all.

I am not going to tell you who I voted for, because that is private, and I do not want to sway any voters who may be swayed by the commentary of me. 

But I think it's no secret that I am not a fan of Sharpie Diplomacy.

(As for all the propositions and stuff, I basically used the same strategy I used when filling out scantron forms on the SAT....create a pretty pattern of dots and stick with it.)

I wonder if GameStop is giving away discounts to people who voted? That would be GREAT.

Patriotically,

Earlene Watts

My Halloween Costume!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Despite all the polling, I wasn't too happy with my Halloween costume options. I did a couple prototype Platypus costumes (with leotards, flipper, etc....), but it didn't really look like anything. I knew I could come up with something better.

At first I was thinking that I should be Frankenstein, cause that's pretty Halloween-y. But then I realized that there is a much, much cooler  -Stein, and that if I was going to be any -Stein at all, I should be.........

(Drumroll.....)

EINSTEIN!!!!!!

Here are some interesting facts I learned about Einstein on Wikipedia:

1. He married his first wife, even though she was thought to be too old and physically defective.

2. They had a daughter, Lieserl, born in 1902. Her fate is unknown...

3.He divorced his first wife and married his maternal first cousin, Elsa.

4.He died of internal bleeding caused by an aortic aneurysm.

5. He was a famous scientist.

Here is a video of me as Albert Einstein!!!!!!!!!!!:

I call it EARLSTEIN, THE MOVIE.

I have loved EINSTEIN ever since i can remember, because he is smart, he was really good in that Meg Ryan movie I.Q., and he clearly has a great sense of humor, as evidenced in this picture:

Yes, Albert Einstein is basically the best, and I am definitely going to enjoy being him this Halloween.

So here's to you, Albert Einstein! I will eat a few The Three Muskateers Bars in your honor!

In-GENIUS-ly yours,

Earlstein Watts

What Should Paul be for Halloween?

Any suggestions?

Right now, i'm thinking it would be fun to make him an elephant, but i'm not sure he'd keep the snout on for very long. 

My Mom beefed up my resume :-/

When I told her I don't actually have any pet care experience. She told me Neopets count.

:-/

A Haiku (BITE ME, annonymous haiku hating commentor!)

Reached a conclusion, guys.

A Haiku

If you want a job

Or if you want a boyfriend

Don't look on Craigslist.

Resigned,

E.E. Watts

They Earlove me! They really Earlove me!

Guess what I got in the mail today?!?!?!

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it. I love love love love LOVE it. Even though it is pink. (my favorite hue is Burnt Sienna, which is a lovely mix of my two favorite colors, orange and brown.)

I especially love that Bradney was also included in the collage. Although I suppose somebody besides him added that thought bubble. (but just in case he actually thought that: you can have my earlovin anytime, B) 

It is nice to know that even though I don't have many friends where I live (four, if you count Ish, My Mom, Trey, and my cat Paul), I have friends out there in the cyber world.

Warmed,

Early

P.S. this was really great guys....anyone else want to send me their picture? I'll post it!