Another Very Helpful Guide

Some people are just naturally good at being  depressed. They don't have to try hard or think about it too much because it just comes so easily to them. 

I am one of those people: being depressed is a God-given talent of mine. And, because depression is so inherent in my nature, I am only too aware of the flaws in other people's depression.

The other day, while I was being shuffled around from After-Christmas Sale to After-Christmas Sale by my mother, I overheard the following conversation:

 Girl: I hate the holidays. I've been so depressed.

Other Girl: Well, shopping should make you feel better.

Girl: Yeah. And I think I might go for a run after this. That should help, too.

A run?!?!?!    

Oh honey, please.

Clearly, the world needs this:

Earlene's Guide to Dressing, Talking, and Living Like the Depressed Girl You Are Inside

• Watch Bridget Jones's Diary incessantly. But never watch past the part where Hugh Grant dumps her, and she's sitting alone in her bath tub crying. That is the real end of the movie: the rest is just Hollywood Dribble.

• Don't start anything that might be construed as productive, such as new fitness plans, new creative projects, or new friendships. You know you will fail at this anyway.

• If you were recently dumped, the worst thing you could do is to eat a lot of ice cream and dye your hair. Instead, you should call your ex-boyfriend repeatedly, and with steadily increasing frequency. It is helpful to leave a lot of voice mails ("WHYYYYYYYYY??!! WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!") and sometimes vaguely threatening letters. Only when he has threatened to take out a restraining order and told you that he never really even loved you will you be TRULY ready to be properly depressed.

• If you happened to have been dumped for another woman, a good Depressed Girl move is to frequently check her myspace and facebook profile to compare yourself to her. (You might have to make fake accounts and friend her under a pseudonym before you'll have full access to her pictures.) Take heart in the fact that even though she is prettier, skinnier, has a joint degree from Juilliard and Columbia, was in the Peace Corps, was awarded "Best Sense of Humor" in high school, and is much, much, much more Quiverful than you are, she will never, ever beat your World of War Craft score.

• Dig through your closet. Find the ugly orange class t-shirt you were forced to wear as a sophomore in High School which you forgot to order on time so the only size left was an XXX-L. Wear it. Constantly.

• If your pants do not have an elastic waist, then you are not a Real Depressed girl.

• Watch the Sound of Music. But stop watching at the part where they are in the graveyard hiding from the Nazis. Imagine alternate depressing endings.

• Go into the bathroom and put on no less then 10 coats of mascara. DO NOT TAKE IT OFF FOR AT LEAST FIVE DAYS. Pretty soon, the mascara will smudge all around and your eyes will look like black holes, creating a corporeal allusion to the black hole in your heart.

• Go to the Olive Garden (or any other restaurant you ate at with your ex). Imagine him there with the new girlfriend, as she gently wipes the alfredo sauce from his chin. Cry into your macaroni and cheese. Cry harder when the waiter comes over to gently tell you that you're making the other customers uncomfortable.

• Stay in bed for at least 36 hours. Put your head under the covers. Sleep restlessly. Wake up. Hazily remember the sad sad state of your life. Moan. Repeat.

• Watch "Love Actually". But stop at the Funeral Scene (about 8 minutes into the movie). 

• Entertain yourself with elaborate fantasies about moving to a new city and starting a brand new and exciting life and meeting Zac Effron and getting married and being known as "ZacEarl"in the media and running into Carl or Bradney or Trey and being like "Hey" and them being like "Damn, Earlene???? You look GOOD, girl!". Then realize that this will never, ever, ever, ever, ever happen to you. Go back to bed.

• Walk up to a pregnant lady, touch her belly, look at her sadly and say "Poor thing. So blissfully unaware of the misery that awaits him." Walk away.

• Look up "Funeral Dirge" on itunes. Buy them all. Listen constantly.

Honestly, guys, I could go on, and on, and on.

Mournfully,

Earlene

P.S.

Carl,

Dumping someone on Christmas? Not. Very. Quiverful.