A Conversation with my Mother

Last night I had decided to break the news to my mom that I am moving to New York. It did not go as planned.

ME (EARLENE): Mom, can we talk?

MOM: Can it wait until the end of "According to Jim"?

ME: This is pretty important.

MOM: Alright, poodle, what is it?

ME: There's something I have to tell you. I've known for a while, but I didn't really want to tell you, because I wasn't sure how you'd react. But I hope you'll understand what I'm about to tell you, and I hope you'll continue to be the supportive parent you've.....sometimes been to me. So, yeah, this is really hard for me, but. Mom, I'm g(oing)---

MOM: GAY.

ME: What?

MOM: You're GAY.

ME: What?

MOM: A lesbian. Sweetie. It's ok.

ME: What?

MOM: I've known for a while, now.

ME: What?

MOM: Well, you've never had a boyfriend. When I tried to set you up with Trey and it didn't work out, I started to worry that you would never find love, but then I realized that maybe you weren't interested in love WITH A MAN.

ME: Mom---no. 

MOM: You always talk about this Bradney guy but he's never come over to the house. Sweetie, does Bradney even exist?

ME: Yes!

MOM: You can tell me if you made him up, Early. Momma doesn't judge.

ME: He's real. And I'm not a lesbian.

MOM: When did you stop feeling like you could come to me with your problems?

ME: At birth?

MOM: Violent video games. Your aversion to the Clinique counter. Your hair.

ME: What's wrong with my hair?

MOM: Alright sweetie. If you're not ready to talk about it...

ME: I have a boyfriend.

MOM: Yes. "Carl".....or is it Carla!

ME: *lets out a low groan*

MOM: Carly?

ME: *stops out of the room*

MOM: Was there something else you wanted to talk about?

ME: *slams door*

cannot. wait. to. get. out. of. here.

Heterosexually,

Earlene Watts