Earlene's Guide to The Holidays

Dear Readers,

How many times a day are you accosted by cheery yet ultimately ignorant well-wishers, wishing you "Happy Holidays"? Innumerable, right? 

And how many times have you stood there, rooted to the spot, counting off in your head "Ok...there's Christmas....Hanukkah....Chrismukkah.....Kwanza....Kwanzukkah....WHAT ELSE?!"

Oh, there's a lot else, reader. A lot else. Luckily, as in so many occasions before, I will ENLIGHTEN YOU.

Earlene's Guide to The Holidays

Note: Every single one of these Holidays is real. Look it up.

NATIONAL ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD DAY*, December 3rd

• This is a day to celebrate not being homeless. It is usually celebrated by creating a meager shelter out of cardboard and newspaper, and then stomping all over it, because you have a house and therefore do not need to sleep there. I'm not sure what homeless people do to celebrate this holiday.

PUT ON YOUR OWN SHOES DAY, December 6th

• Sometimes, when pretending to be a British Archeologist, I put on a pair of my Dad's old work boots that he left here. They are great for excavating Egyptian tombs, and measuring distances. Obviously, on December 6th, I have to wear my own shoes, and obviously a British Archeologist doesn't wear New Balance footwear. This is not an especially good Holiday.

TAKE IT IN THE EAR DAY, December 8th

• I honestly don't know what this Holiday is about. I think it might be a sarcastic thing your supposed to say all day?

         Example:   CASHIER: Miss, do you want to take your receipt?

      EARLENE: Yeah, I'll take it......IN THE EAR! HAHAHAHHAHAH!

NATIONAL FLASHLIGHT DAY, December 21

• Oh guys, this one's soooooo good. You play with flashlights ALL DAY. Like, you go turn off the lights, and you put a flashlight under your chin, and you say "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society...". OR you erect a bedsheet and play SHADOW puppets. Which is pretty fun, except I only know how to make a bunny or a thumbs up sign. OR, you can shine a flashlight from your bedroom into OTHER PEOPLE's BEDROOMS, and they will get very creeped out, and quickly leave their rooms.

NATIONAL BICARBONATE OF SODA DAY, December 30th

• A whole day to celebrate baking soda, and believe you me, there is a lot to celebrate. Baking soda eliminates odors. Baking soda relieves itching from the Pox. Baking soda reduces flatulance when cooked in beans. Baking soda can be used as a meat tenderizer. The best way to celebrate National Bicarbonate of Soda Day is to make a HUGE "Volcano", with three entire boxes of baking soda and an entire bottle of vinegar....oh man, it's so, so, so fun. Also, the remnants of your volcano can be spread on crackers and eaten.

RUN UP THE FLAGPOLE AND SEE IF ANYONE SALUTES DAY, January 2

• I celebrate this every year. No one ever salutes.

OLD ROCK DAY, January 7th

• I usually spend all of January 7th in my driveway, which has a lot of old rocks in it. I celebrate by picking them up, inspecting them, admiring them, and generally being respectful of all the service they have provided for my driveway, despite their old age.

So now, the next time somebody says "Happy Holidays!", you can respond with "And a Happy Take It In The Ear Day to you, too!"

Jovially,

Earlene