DEAR CARL

I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS.

MY INTERNET BROKE.

THAT IS WHY I CANNOT SKYPE VIDEO CHAT WTIH YOU TONIGHT.

I AM NOT DEAD.

I AM NOT ON A DATE WITH A MORE HANDSOME AND LESS QUIVERFUL MAN.

I AM MERELY STUCK AT HOME WITH MY MOTHER, WHO IS FORCING ME TO SPEND "QUALITY TIME" WITH HER WHILE THE INTERNET IS DOWN.

"QUALITY TIME"=PAINTING HER TOE NAILS AND DECORATING THE CHRISTMAS TREE WITH "PRECIOUS MOMENTS" ORNAMENTS.

SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL.

I LOVE YOU.

(YES, I SAID IT.)

YOURS,
EARLY