Always Be Prepared

Always Be Prepared, is a pretty good motto. You never know what life may throw at you. I was NOT prepared to be dumped by Carl for another woman even though he is quiverful. This was, perhaps, a bit naive on my part, given the fact that he lived in New York City, and his name was not Jim Bob. 

However, this does not mean I go about my life completely unprepared for whatever may happen next. Here are three things I think you should always be prepared for.

1. A Visit From Grandma

Much like a nuclear holocaust, a visit from Grandma can take you completely by surprise, and the after-math can be deadly. Even if you survive the initial blast of her visit, the toxic remnants of her "cleaning your room" (throwing away all your comic books) and "re-organizing the pantry" (stocking it with Slimfast Shakes) can be deadly.

The best way to be prepared for a visit is to go through the house and make sure certain safety measures are in order. Give yourself a little checklist:

• Is the gin locked away?
• Have the waste baskets been emptied of all twinkie rappers?
• Have you hidden Mom's romance novels and Sue Grafton mystery books away from her nightstand, and replaced them with "No One Helps You Until You Help Yourself" and "Men: Who Needs Em?"
• Have you removed any dangerous objects from the house, such as tape measures, scales, and pictures from the vacation you didn't tell her you went on?
• Have you boogy-trapped the living room with decoys such as a yoga ball, a German Language Tape Set, and a bookmarked biography of Katherine Hepburn?

These simple steps will serve to greatly minimize the impact of a visit from grandma.

2. GEESE

You never know when your plane will accidentally suck in a geese in its engine, and be forced to make an irksome emergency landing in the frigid Hudson River. Therefore, you should always dress warmly for a flight, expecting hypothermia at any moment. (Also, a coat will protect you from the sun and give you shelter if your plane sucks in a few Geese over the Gobi Desert or something.) In addition, you will always want to, as my mother says wear makeup and do your hair before a flight, because if you survive the plane crash there will be ample opportunity to be interviewed on television and you don't want to look like the goose got sucked into the engine and then plopped itself onto your head.

And another thing....if you don't happen to survive the plane crash, having your hair and makeup already done will save your family a few hundred bucks on having to get that done post-mortem. Morbid, but practical in this economy.

3. Inside The Actor's Studio

Even if you are not an actor, and don't plan to pursue acting, you cannot tell me that if someone walked up to you at Coco's and offered you a lead role in the next Amanda Bynes flick, you wouldn't take it. So even if you think acting isn't your thing, you should always be prepared to be catapulted into international superstardom. And the big right of passage for a serious actor is to be interviewed by the bald guy on Inside the Actor's Studio, and then hopefully parodied on SNL.

Inside the Actor's Studio is, like, the easiest interview ever, because you spend the first part just talking about movies you've ALREADY DONE, so you know all the answers. And the second part, the guy asks you a series of questions, but, insiders know, THEY ARE THE EXACT SAME QUESTIONS FOR EVERY INTERVIEW. 

So you really, really don't want to look like a total novice and mess up the questions that every single other actor in the history of time has managed to answer.

Of course, I have had all my answers ready for YEARS.

With great foresight,

Earlene